[Virginia AU] to unravel a torment you must begin somewhere

[nerves_of_ice]

I need to think, he'd told Sharon, and it's true all the way down to his bones. The problem is that he's having trouble doing it. After he spends the next half hour jumping at shadows, he considers going down into the tunnels for a while, but reluctantly decides against it. There's a five-kilometer trail on the grounds that he's run a couple of times. It'll do for a test, to see if the agents are going to have either a singular or a collective fit at his being out of the compound proper. Bucky goes straight from the garage's back exit to the nearest point, strips his jacket and leaves it on the ground, then settles into an easy lope.

By the third circuit, his mind's clear enough for him to start mulling over a few things, clear enough for him to look at the events of the last day or so in a new light. No wonder he'd had something like a - he doesn't even know how to describe it, the whirlwind of shock and fear and hurt and near-panic and desperation that he's been feeling. A spiral, maybe, but in the end the term doesn't matter, it's the reason, and when he really lets himself think about it, it doesn't take a genius or a scientist to be able to pinpoint it. All three of the people he's closest to in the world, the ones who know him best, had deceived him - or, to be fair, had let him deceive himself. And as a result, all three - Sharon more than the others, but Steve and Natasha as well - had taken harm or have been placed at still-great risk of harm, harm he's desperate to defend them from somehow. When he looks at it that way, it's really no wonder why he's reacting as he is. It's also obvious to him that he can't allow it to continue.

Bucky sets his jaw in tight, grim lines, and keeps running.

Three hours later, he makes his way back inside, absently mopping the sweat from his face and neck with the discarded jacket, and goes to find Hogan. "Windows," he tells him. Whether or not he'll leave them uncovered doesn't matter, not now. "Lots of windows. Somewhere high, not too near people. Furnished however you do as standard's fine for now. Okay?"

"I've got just the one," Hogan tells him. "I'll have it ready tomorrow. That soon enough?"

"Yes," Bucky assures him. "Thanks."

He stays with Steve again that night. Things are a little strained at first, until Bucky breaks the ice and apologizes for how he's been reacting. Steve doesn't want his apology, but his best friend listens while he tries to explain, and that's more than good enough.

Later that evening, he texts Natasha to suggest they catch up soon, and offers to bring cocoa, hoping the idea'll amuse her enough for her to realize he's not angry. Not any more. He texts Alyona a picture of Steve's bike, one of the ones he'd taken hanging upside-down, just to say hi, and texts Sharon a good-night wish.

He doesn't sleep much, due to the incessant nightmares, but at least he knows the reason for them. It helps.

The coffee's already made when Steve gets up, and conversation's a lot more relaxed. He's the first to ask about getting on the training schedule, and Steve's smile lights up the room.

By 8:57 AM, Bucky's waiting in the same conference room as the day before, a mug of black coffee at hand, and a blank notepad and pen on the table in front of him.

Comments

[marvel_npc]

Ingrid watches him with a coolly professional gaze.

"Did you expect some other answer?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He gives her a bland look. “Why should I? You, and the Deputy Commander, have been very clear.”

Which doesn’t mean he has to like it, but that’s not the point.

[marvel_npc]

"Oh, good," Riley says, looking relieved. "The last thing we want is miscommunication."

Ingrid has her own opinion on the last thing she wants but she keeps it to yourself. "Have the Avengers arranged a living space for you yet?" she asks him, turning her laptop back around to make notes.

[nerves_of_ice]

“I suppose so,” he tells Riley, before giving Nilsson a nod.

“Yes.” He takes another sip of coffee.

[marvel_npc]

"Good."

She makes another note and looks at him again. "Which apartment?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He shrugs. “I’ll find out when it’s ready.”

[marvel_npc]

"All right."

She types in TBD and turns her attention back to him. "Have you discussed next steps with Tony Stark? Or is the block the final stage that you know of?"

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky studies her. “What’s your understanding of how this works?”

[marvel_npc]

"How what works?"

Riley's sipping at his coffee, content to let her have some back and forth. "The block?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods, watching her.

[marvel_npc]

She purses her lips and calls up the reports from both Stark and Carter, along with her own notes.

"Tony Stark named the program after a hockey goalie," she begins. "Apt, because, as I understand it, the block acts something like a goalie. You hear the words, they register, but the final connection is shunted away before they can trigger the cascade of the Winter Soldier program. The reports provided by Agent Carter suggest you feel a sensation of pressure as the words are spoken, but that it drains away again over a short time once the sequence is stopped. The block allows you to maintain your individuality rather than succumbing to the programming."

Ingrid looks back up at him. "Is that accurate?"

[nerves_of_ice]

Sharon’s reports were clearly very detailed. More than he’d have hoped, but he can’t say she hadn’t been honest with him from the beginning.

He meets Nilsson’s eyes. “It’ll do.”

[marvel_npc]

She nods at him. "Is there anything else you think would be helpful for us to know?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“No.” Level and flat.

[marvel_npc]

She sincerely doubts that, but allows it to slide.

"In that case," she says, closing the reports away, "let me return to my original question. Are you and Tony Stark taking next steps to fully remove the program? And, if you are, would our presence during further procedures with Stark make you feel more comfortable?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Are you a scientist, Agent Nilsson?”

He keeps his voice level and his words steady.

[marvel_npc]

"No, Sergeant," she tells him, evenly. "My background is in languages."

[nerves_of_ice]

“Then I don’t see that my answer matters to you, does it?”

Just as steady as before.

[marvel_npc]

"And yet, it does," she says, dry. "After all, Agent Carter wasn't a scientist. Her purview was to ensure your safety during experiments and time with Tony Stark. Ours is the same. So, in point of fact, your answer does matter, Sergeant. I'm simply asking if our presence would be beneficial to you in during any ongoing experiments or procedures with Tony Stark."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky shakes his head. “The situation has changed. As you’re aware.”

[marvel_npc]

"Which is why I'm asking," she points out. "Instead of telling, as Agent Carter did. A simple yes or no will suffice, Sergeant."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky studies her. “And if I said no? If I said you have no reason to be here at all?”

[marvel_npc]

She studies him right back. "I'd say I think you'd prefer that to be true, but that doesn't actually make it so. The block is an excellent step forward, but you're still a fugitive wanted for multiple counts of terrorist activities. The US government wants a piece of you; so do a dozen others. And in the meantime, the Task Force has a duty to remain in contact and within observational proximity until any threat from the Winter Soldier program is removed."

Ingrid shrugs, slightly. "In terms of your meetings with Mr. Stark, obviously we'd recommend that one or both of us attend. But we won't push you for it, Sergeant."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I see,” he says, empty and flat. “So when I don’t answer your questions, you make up whatever you want that you think will get a rise out of me. When I do, you make it clear that what I say makes no difference.”

[marvel_npc]

"No," she says. "My question was whether or not it would be beneficial for us to join you when working with Mr. Stark. If your answer is no, we won't. If it's yes, we will. I don't see how, in this situation, what you say makes no difference."