[Virginia AU] to unravel a torment you must begin somewhere

[nerves_of_ice]

I need to think, he'd told Sharon, and it's true all the way down to his bones. The problem is that he's having trouble doing it. After he spends the next half hour jumping at shadows, he considers going down into the tunnels for a while, but reluctantly decides against it. There's a five-kilometer trail on the grounds that he's run a couple of times. It'll do for a test, to see if the agents are going to have either a singular or a collective fit at his being out of the compound proper. Bucky goes straight from the garage's back exit to the nearest point, strips his jacket and leaves it on the ground, then settles into an easy lope.

By the third circuit, his mind's clear enough for him to start mulling over a few things, clear enough for him to look at the events of the last day or so in a new light. No wonder he'd had something like a - he doesn't even know how to describe it, the whirlwind of shock and fear and hurt and near-panic and desperation that he's been feeling. A spiral, maybe, but in the end the term doesn't matter, it's the reason, and when he really lets himself think about it, it doesn't take a genius or a scientist to be able to pinpoint it. All three of the people he's closest to in the world, the ones who know him best, had deceived him - or, to be fair, had let him deceive himself. And as a result, all three - Sharon more than the others, but Steve and Natasha as well - had taken harm or have been placed at still-great risk of harm, harm he's desperate to defend them from somehow. When he looks at it that way, it's really no wonder why he's reacting as he is. It's also obvious to him that he can't allow it to continue.

Bucky sets his jaw in tight, grim lines, and keeps running.

Three hours later, he makes his way back inside, absently mopping the sweat from his face and neck with the discarded jacket, and goes to find Hogan. "Windows," he tells him. Whether or not he'll leave them uncovered doesn't matter, not now. "Lots of windows. Somewhere high, not too near people. Furnished however you do as standard's fine for now. Okay?"

"I've got just the one," Hogan tells him. "I'll have it ready tomorrow. That soon enough?"

"Yes," Bucky assures him. "Thanks."

He stays with Steve again that night. Things are a little strained at first, until Bucky breaks the ice and apologizes for how he's been reacting. Steve doesn't want his apology, but his best friend listens while he tries to explain, and that's more than good enough.

Later that evening, he texts Natasha to suggest they catch up soon, and offers to bring cocoa, hoping the idea'll amuse her enough for her to realize he's not angry. Not any more. He texts Alyona a picture of Steve's bike, one of the ones he'd taken hanging upside-down, just to say hi, and texts Sharon a good-night wish.

He doesn't sleep much, due to the incessant nightmares, but at least he knows the reason for them. It helps.

The coffee's already made when Steve gets up, and conversation's a lot more relaxed. He's the first to ask about getting on the training schedule, and Steve's smile lights up the room.

By 8:57 AM, Bucky's waiting in the same conference room as the day before, a mug of black coffee at hand, and a blank notepad and pen on the table in front of him.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

Sharon’s reports were clearly very detailed. More than he’d have hoped, but he can’t say she hadn’t been honest with him from the beginning.

He meets Nilsson’s eyes. “It’ll do.”

[marvel_npc]

She nods at him. "Is there anything else you think would be helpful for us to know?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“No.” Level and flat.

[marvel_npc]

She sincerely doubts that, but allows it to slide.

"In that case," she says, closing the reports away, "let me return to my original question. Are you and Tony Stark taking next steps to fully remove the program? And, if you are, would our presence during further procedures with Stark make you feel more comfortable?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Are you a scientist, Agent Nilsson?”

He keeps his voice level and his words steady.

[marvel_npc]

"No, Sergeant," she tells him, evenly. "My background is in languages."

[nerves_of_ice]

“Then I don’t see that my answer matters to you, does it?”

Just as steady as before.

[marvel_npc]

"And yet, it does," she says, dry. "After all, Agent Carter wasn't a scientist. Her purview was to ensure your safety during experiments and time with Tony Stark. Ours is the same. So, in point of fact, your answer does matter, Sergeant. I'm simply asking if our presence would be beneficial to you in during any ongoing experiments or procedures with Tony Stark."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky shakes his head. “The situation has changed. As you’re aware.”

[marvel_npc]

"Which is why I'm asking," she points out. "Instead of telling, as Agent Carter did. A simple yes or no will suffice, Sergeant."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky studies her. “And if I said no? If I said you have no reason to be here at all?”

[marvel_npc]

She studies him right back. "I'd say I think you'd prefer that to be true, but that doesn't actually make it so. The block is an excellent step forward, but you're still a fugitive wanted for multiple counts of terrorist activities. The US government wants a piece of you; so do a dozen others. And in the meantime, the Task Force has a duty to remain in contact and within observational proximity until any threat from the Winter Soldier program is removed."

Ingrid shrugs, slightly. "In terms of your meetings with Mr. Stark, obviously we'd recommend that one or both of us attend. But we won't push you for it, Sergeant."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I see,” he says, empty and flat. “So when I don’t answer your questions, you make up whatever you want that you think will get a rise out of me. When I do, you make it clear that what I say makes no difference.”

[marvel_npc]

"No," she says. "My question was whether or not it would be beneficial for us to join you when working with Mr. Stark. If your answer is no, we won't. If it's yes, we will. I don't see how, in this situation, what you say makes no difference."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky shakes his head. “I don’t believe you, Agent Nilsson. But to make it clear, the answer is no.”

[marvel_npc]

"Thank you, Sergeant."

She makes a note, her glance flicking back to him above her laptop screen, apparently unruffled by whether he believes her or not. "If you change your mind, all you need to do is let us know. Riley?"

He looks at her and she nods. His smile brightens and he turns back to the Sergeant. "That's all we had today, Sergeant," he says. "Unless there's anything you have for us. Thanks for giving us a few moments of your time."

[nerves_of_ice]

“One thing.” He reaches to take Nilsson’s computer.

“Your files.”

[marvel_npc]

"You may have access to any of our files and reports pertaining to you, Sergeant," she tells him, moving her laptop out of his reach. "But I can't give you unrestricted access to my laptop. Yours is not the only sensitive information in it."

[nerves_of_ice]

“You’re right here, aren’t you?” he points out. “Pull them up. Now.”

[marvel_npc]

Her eyebrows lift, very slightly, but she pulls up the pertinent files and reports, then shifts around the table to be able to see the screen as he peruses.

"Knock yourself out."

[nerves_of_ice]

He reads quickly, taking in every detail of information she has on him - or what she’s willing to let him see, anyway. He’s under no illusions that this is all of it.

[marvel_npc]

The files he's looking through are a series of reports from Carter and a few from Stark, documents from Stark's lawyers, and her notes along with Riley's. Her most recent notes, written after their truncated meeting the day before, state her analysis that he's likely to be reticent and unwilling to work cooperatively with them and that given his suggestion to Riley about a trip, it's more than possible that he'll simply vanish one day.

In her notes from this meeting, she'd recorded, among other notes, his preference for no Task Force accompaniment during experiments and that no decision had been reached in regards to his security system. Beneath, she'd dutifully logged her own recommendations, but noted where they hadn't been accepted.

[nerves_of_ice]

Well, she’s thorough enough, he’ll give her that. And no slouch, either.

Bucky finishes reading and looks up at them. “Interesting analysis.”

[marvel_npc]

She makes no move to take back her laptop until he's clearly finished. "My only concern is accuracy," she says, drily. "Interesting or boring. I expect it to evolve quite a bit."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Of course you do," he says, equally dry. Bucky studies them both: Nilsson, with her cool professionalism, and Riley, with his bright, inquisitive cheer that doesn't do a damn thing to negate his own hidden competence.

"Who else has access to this information?"