nerves_of_ice | Entries tagged with virginia au

A little over a week goes by, and as it does Bucky falls into a pattern, slow but sure. He wakes with Sharon in the mornings, shares coffee and something that suffices for breakfast, then works a little on searches and checking contacts and sources from other time zones and locations. Mid-morning finds him at the Task Force offices with Riley and his team. Early afternoon finds him meeting with Ross, if there's any reason to; mid-afternoon he checks in with Steve, with Tony, or with Natasha before he goes back to tracing rumors and hints.

Today's different, though. Today is Sharon's first day back at work after her suspension, and Bucky's determined not to do a single damn thing that might possibly make it difficult for her.

The nightmares are present, but at least they don’t jerk him out of sleep in any way that disturbs Sharon. When he does finally wake sometime shortly before dawn, he kisses her shoulder and her hair before sliding silently from the bed.

Bucky pulls his shorts back on, then pads into the kitchen and searches out the coffee. He sets it to brewing as quietly as he can and picks up his phone to send Alyona a text while he watches the sky lighten.

surprise - am in Berlin
hope all is going well

I need to think, he'd told Sharon, and it's true all the way down to his bones. The problem is that he's having trouble doing it. After he spends the next half hour jumping at shadows, he considers going down into the tunnels for a while, but reluctantly decides against it. There's a five-kilometer trail on the grounds that he's run a couple of times. It'll do for a test, to see if the agents are going to have either a singular or a collective fit at his being out of the compound proper. Bucky goes straight from the garage's back exit to the nearest point, strips his jacket and leaves it on the ground, then settles into an easy lope.

By the third circuit, his mind's clear enough for him to start mulling over a few things, clear enough for him to look at the events of the last day or so in a new light. No wonder he'd had something like a - he doesn't even know how to describe it, the whirlwind of shock and fear and hurt and near-panic and desperation that he's been feeling. A spiral, maybe, but in the end the term doesn't matter, it's the reason, and when he really lets himself think about it, it doesn't take a genius or a scientist to be able to pinpoint it. All three of the people he's closest to in the world, the ones who know him best, had deceived him - or, to be fair, had let him deceive himself. And as a result, all three - Sharon more than the others, but Steve and Natasha as well - had taken harm or have been placed at still-great risk of harm, harm he's desperate to defend them from somehow. When he looks at it that way, it's really no wonder why he's reacting as he is. It's also obvious to him that he can't allow it to continue.

Bucky sets his jaw in tight, grim lines, and keeps running.

Three hours later, he makes his way back inside, absently mopping the sweat from his face and neck with the discarded jacket, and goes to find Hogan. "Windows," he tells him. Whether or not he'll leave them uncovered doesn't matter, not now. "Lots of windows. Somewhere high, not too near people. Furnished however you do as standard's fine for now. Okay?"

"I've got just the one," Hogan tells him. "I'll have it ready tomorrow. That soon enough?"

"Yes," Bucky assures him. "Thanks."

He stays with Steve again that night. Things are a little strained at first, until Bucky breaks the ice and apologizes for how he's been reacting. Steve doesn't want his apology, but his best friend listens while he tries to explain, and that's more than good enough.

Later that evening, he texts Natasha to suggest they catch up soon, and offers to bring cocoa, hoping the idea'll amuse her enough for her to realize he's not angry. Not any more. He texts Alyona a picture of Steve's bike, one of the ones he'd taken hanging upside-down, just to say hi, and texts Sharon a good-night wish.

He doesn't sleep much, due to the incessant nightmares, but at least he knows the reason for them. It helps.

The coffee's already made when Steve gets up, and conversation's a lot more relaxed. He's the first to ask about getting on the training schedule, and Steve's smile lights up the room.

By 8:57 AM, Bucky's waiting in the same conference room as the day before, a mug of black coffee at hand, and a blank notepad and pen on the table in front of him.

The few days they'd spent in Virginia had brought a kind of peace he hasn't known in years. Eventually they'd had to come back to the compound, of course, but Bucky feels better about things when they do - or at least as though he's got a handle on how to start approaching everything.

Even if Tony never does anything else about the controls - which Bucky's not willing to lay a bet on in either direction, although he thinks he's getting a better grasp on the complicated kind of person the other man is at his heart - the existence of the block's enough, and so much more than he thought he'd ever have again. It lets him consider possibilities he'd refused to allow himself before.

He waits until Sharon moves all of her things back to the other apartment and it's just the two of them in Steve's place that night before he talks to his best friend. Bucky makes himself be as open and honest as possible about what he's trying to figure out and why he needs to. It's easier to do than he thought it'd be, somehow. It helps that Steve hears him out first without an argument, just listening with the bottomless compassion and kindness that's such a deep part of him ... although with the stubbornness that he knows so well clearly evident, too. Steve's never given up on him, and never will, so how can he give up on himself?

They agree that it'll be a good start for him to spend time back and forth between both places while he works on figuring out other things. Sharon agrees, too, which is a relief; Bucky honestly hadn't been sure what he'd do if she hadn't.

Tonight he's over at Sharon's, with no bigger question ahead of him than what they should do for dinner and which movie to watch. It's a good evening, the pleasant end to a good day, Bucky thinks.

In the wake of his success creating the block, Pepper manages to coax Tony into coming back down to the city for what Tony says'll be 'a few days, maybe a week.' Bucky wonders how successful she'll be at keeping him there, given that part of the reason he'd moved fully into the compound to begin with was evidently the strain between them, but decides it's not really his business.

In Tony's absence, Steve doesn't think it's a good idea for him to be too far out of reach, just in case something comes up that needs the Avengers. Bucky finds this out when he broaches the idea of going back to Virginia for a day or two, if they can figure out a plausible excuse. He encourages Bucky to go with Sharon anyway, though, and to have fun.

Bucky's not sure if they can get away with it, but there's no question that it'll be easier without Pepper and Tony around to ask awkward questions. Still, he tries not to get his hopes up too high when he comes to find Sharon in the office after Steve heads down for a training session with the team.

He raps on the door with his right hand, and waits for her to answer.

Sharon had agreed to come back with him to Steve's apartment after their nap, and he's privately glad. The more comfortable she feels there, the better.

He puts coffee on and takes up a spot at the kitchen table while she goes into Steve's office. He's pretty sure she's sending Ross an update about him having agreed to give intel on Rumlow, and makes a silent bet with himself that she'll find several other things that need attention as well. It just means that he's got time to connect his phone to the laptop and see how the latest images turned out.

Fifteen minutes later, he's absorbed in the files, and isn't even aware of just how often he has to shove his hair back from his face as he leans over the screen with intent focus.

He'd thought about it for a while after talking with Vision, and had finally reached the conclusion that it doesn't make things any worse than they already are. And if there's a chance it could make it better, doesn't he have to take it? For all of their sakes?

Bucky waits until morning, over coffee, before he tells Sharon and Steve that he's decided to give Tony the program book - or a copy of it, at least. He's pretty sure that with all the tech around there's a way to do that in short order, and it turns out he's right.

In retrospect, they all should have realized what was likely to happen next. Tony throws himself into the work with manic intensity. Natasha and Steve and Vision take turns being available for oversight, although Bucky's pretty sure if Tony wanted to try to find a way around them he would. (He'd taken that into account before making the decision.) Sharon gets regular reports; Pepper Potts makes sure Tony takes regular breaks.

But the questions keep coming.

It's clear that Tony's trying, he thinks. He doesn't want to push Bucky too much - afraid of going too far, maybe afraid of what'll happen if he does - and it doesn't matter, because the scientist's need to know drives him. At first it's all fairly innocuous, things like "what did they mean by this," things Natasha answers for them... as much as she can. But even Natasha doesn't know everything. When it comes down to it, there's only one person around who does - and that's Bucky.

It's obvious where it's all leading, and he doesn't know what he'll do when it gets there. Bucky'd woken up long before dawn thinking about it. Once the nightmare releases him from its grip, he rises and dresses silently in the dark, and slips out to the living room to watch the eastern sky for the first signs of light.

He's leaning against the railing above the training gym - one of them - watching Sam and Steve and Wanda below, having declined the offer to join in. He's still pretty sure that'd be a bad idea for more than one reason, but Steve hadn't pushed it.

It gives him time to be alone with his thoughts, anyway, which is what he needs right now. Sharon's back in the apartment working on another report for Ross, or maybe catching up with Natasha, or both. Tony's probably in his apartment working, too, which is the thing he's trying not to think about.

Bucky stretches, lowering his head to rest on the rail between his hands for a moment, and swears quietly to himself.

He wakes in the darkness of early dawn. Bucky lies still, trying to see what's disturbed him, and eventually concludes that it's nothing more than time and habit. He'd slept deep, he realizes, against all odds. Maybe it was some lingering effect of Wanda's peace.

Beside him, Sharon's still asleep, a small frown creasing her forehead. He wants to smooth it away, but is afraid to disturb her - and afraid also that she might recoil from him, if he startles her awake before she has a chance to steel her nerves again as he knows she's been doing since he - since yesterday afternoon. She'd be upset, he knows, but it wouldn't change anything.

Carefully, silently, he slips from the bed and dresses in the dark. He leaves the door cracked open when he ghosts through it and down the hall into the kitchen. Bucky puts on another pot of coffee and stands by the window to wait, watching as the stars fade under the relentless assault of light.

The day's been quiet so far. Bucky can't say that he minds, not really, although it's a little odd for there to be so few people around. Steve, Natasha, Wanda, and Sam are off on a mission in Lagos; Rhodes is back with the Air Force, probably catching up on a ton of stuff that built up while he was in Europe; and Sharon's gone to the SHIELD helicarrier to interrogate Zemo since Natasha's not available.

That just leaves Vision and Tony Stark, and although he wouldn't mind running into one of those two, Bucky's decided that it's a much better idea to bring the book he's borrowed back from the compound's library to the apartment and read it there.

He's settled in on the couch, deep in the story of another world, when there's a knock at the door.

He can feel the walls closing in. It doesn’t matter how big the compound is; it’s a prison, and he knows it, and he knows that Steve doesn’t know he feels that way, and he’s determined not to let him find out.

But it’s harder than he expected. The nights are the worst. He sleeps as little as he can, wakes from nightmare after nightmare trying not to scream or react too visibly - just in case Stark’s managed to sneak in some surveillance tech after all.

It’s just another such night. This time the road in the dream had held not only Howard and Maria, but Natasha as she’d looked in Odessa, and as he’d taken the kill shot he’d seen Sharon fall instead, her face bloody and eyes blank and empty.

He jerks awake and lets out a weary sigh once he’s managed to shake off the nightmare. The ones that are built from actual memories are worse, somehow. It’s harder to distance himself from them, but he’s going to try. Bucky pulls on jeans and a black shirt and moves silently down the hall to the back stairs, passing through the night like a shadow or a ghost.

It's a month after Thessaloniki when the postcard shows up in the mail at Sharon Carter's apartment.

He'd picked it with extreme care. The image is a scenic view from the Spinnerei art galleries in Leipzig, promoting an event that weekend, Friday through Sunday, just over an hour by train from Berlin. There's no message, no postmark; it just looks like an advertisement that got added to her mailbox somehow.

'Somehow,' of course, is by dint of him slipping it into the box himself. It was simplicity itself to pick the lock on the mailbox security panel - two seconds, maybe three, and he's able to pull it open, drop the card on top of her mail, and secure it once more.

(It had taken him the entire month to decide to reach out. He'd spent most of the time burying himself in his self-imposed work and not allowing himself to think about anything other than the mission.

Eventually, he'd realized that was just as much of a mistake as -- well, as other things would be. Once he'd figured that out, the next step had been easy to take.)

He makes his way back out onto the streets of Berlin quickly and quietly, cap pulled down to hide his face, hands in his pockets. It's not far from here to where he's going.