[Virginia AU] to unravel a torment you must begin somewhere

[nerves_of_ice]

I need to think, he'd told Sharon, and it's true all the way down to his bones. The problem is that he's having trouble doing it. After he spends the next half hour jumping at shadows, he considers going down into the tunnels for a while, but reluctantly decides against it. There's a five-kilometer trail on the grounds that he's run a couple of times. It'll do for a test, to see if the agents are going to have either a singular or a collective fit at his being out of the compound proper. Bucky goes straight from the garage's back exit to the nearest point, strips his jacket and leaves it on the ground, then settles into an easy lope.

By the third circuit, his mind's clear enough for him to start mulling over a few things, clear enough for him to look at the events of the last day or so in a new light. No wonder he'd had something like a - he doesn't even know how to describe it, the whirlwind of shock and fear and hurt and near-panic and desperation that he's been feeling. A spiral, maybe, but in the end the term doesn't matter, it's the reason, and when he really lets himself think about it, it doesn't take a genius or a scientist to be able to pinpoint it. All three of the people he's closest to in the world, the ones who know him best, had deceived him - or, to be fair, had let him deceive himself. And as a result, all three - Sharon more than the others, but Steve and Natasha as well - had taken harm or have been placed at still-great risk of harm, harm he's desperate to defend them from somehow. When he looks at it that way, it's really no wonder why he's reacting as he is. It's also obvious to him that he can't allow it to continue.

Bucky sets his jaw in tight, grim lines, and keeps running.

Three hours later, he makes his way back inside, absently mopping the sweat from his face and neck with the discarded jacket, and goes to find Hogan. "Windows," he tells him. Whether or not he'll leave them uncovered doesn't matter, not now. "Lots of windows. Somewhere high, not too near people. Furnished however you do as standard's fine for now. Okay?"

"I've got just the one," Hogan tells him. "I'll have it ready tomorrow. That soon enough?"

"Yes," Bucky assures him. "Thanks."

He stays with Steve again that night. Things are a little strained at first, until Bucky breaks the ice and apologizes for how he's been reacting. Steve doesn't want his apology, but his best friend listens while he tries to explain, and that's more than good enough.

Later that evening, he texts Natasha to suggest they catch up soon, and offers to bring cocoa, hoping the idea'll amuse her enough for her to realize he's not angry. Not any more. He texts Alyona a picture of Steve's bike, one of the ones he'd taken hanging upside-down, just to say hi, and texts Sharon a good-night wish.

He doesn't sleep much, due to the incessant nightmares, but at least he knows the reason for them. It helps.

The coffee's already made when Steve gets up, and conversation's a lot more relaxed. He's the first to ask about getting on the training schedule, and Steve's smile lights up the room.

By 8:57 AM, Bucky's waiting in the same conference room as the day before, a mug of black coffee at hand, and a blank notepad and pen on the table in front of him.

Comments

[marvel_npc]

"You may have access to any of our files and reports pertaining to you, Sergeant," she tells him, moving her laptop out of his reach. "But I can't give you unrestricted access to my laptop. Yours is not the only sensitive information in it."

[nerves_of_ice]

“You’re right here, aren’t you?” he points out. “Pull them up. Now.”

[marvel_npc]

Her eyebrows lift, very slightly, but she pulls up the pertinent files and reports, then shifts around the table to be able to see the screen as he peruses.

"Knock yourself out."

[nerves_of_ice]

He reads quickly, taking in every detail of information she has on him - or what she’s willing to let him see, anyway. He’s under no illusions that this is all of it.

[marvel_npc]

The files he's looking through are a series of reports from Carter and a few from Stark, documents from Stark's lawyers, and her notes along with Riley's. Her most recent notes, written after their truncated meeting the day before, state her analysis that he's likely to be reticent and unwilling to work cooperatively with them and that given his suggestion to Riley about a trip, it's more than possible that he'll simply vanish one day.

In her notes from this meeting, she'd recorded, among other notes, his preference for no Task Force accompaniment during experiments and that no decision had been reached in regards to his security system. Beneath, she'd dutifully logged her own recommendations, but noted where they hadn't been accepted.

[nerves_of_ice]

Well, she’s thorough enough, he’ll give her that. And no slouch, either.

Bucky finishes reading and looks up at them. “Interesting analysis.”

[marvel_npc]

She makes no move to take back her laptop until he's clearly finished. "My only concern is accuracy," she says, drily. "Interesting or boring. I expect it to evolve quite a bit."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Of course you do," he says, equally dry. Bucky studies them both: Nilsson, with her cool professionalism, and Riley, with his bright, inquisitive cheer that doesn't do a damn thing to negate his own hidden competence.

"Who else has access to this information?"

[marvel_npc]

"Deputy Commander Ross," Riley tells him. "The Stark lawyers and the Task Force legal team. Captain Rogers."

He finishes his coffee and sets it aside. "Agent Carter had access, of course, but it's been revoked."

[nerves_of_ice]

Not by the flicker of an eyelash does he allow himself to outwardly react to the observation Riley so casually drops. Bucky stifles the cold rage that wants to rise within him and locks it away deep inside.

Remembering what Steve and Sharon have both tried to reassure him of, he makes the decision to at least make an attempt. He glances back and forth between them, his gaze level and assessing.

"Do you understand why I don't trust you?"

[marvel_npc]

"I think so," Riley says, honestly. "And we don't expect you to trust us right away, Sergeant. That's why we want a little time for you to get to know us and vice versa."

"You may never trust us," Ingrid puts in. Riley hopes she's wrong, but Ingrid's more of a realist than he is, and he knows she doesn't trust the Sergeant, either. "We want to do a good job by you," he says, before Ingrid can add anything else negative.

"Hopefully we'll be able to earn your trust. But we know it's a process."

[nerves_of_ice]

His glance at Nilsson is narrow and flat. She's not wrong, though.

He looks back at Riley. "You think so," he repeats, evenly. "Okay. Think about that, why don't you, and when you figure it out then we'll talk again."

Bucky shoves Nilsson's laptop back across the table and gets to his feet. He picks up the empty coffee cup and takes it to the counter - keeping himself at an angle so he can see them as he does - cleans it and puts it away.

[marvel_npc]

"Okay!" Riley says, cheerfully, and lifts a hand, waving. "See you later, Sergeant. Have a great day!"

[nerves_of_ice]

Riley's persistent cheerfulness sets his teeth on edge, but from what Sharon had said, it's probably not meant to, at least. Bucky stalks out of the room and heads in the direction of the training area. At least he'll be getting a lot of knife practice in.

Once he's out of sight, he pulls out his phone and sends Sharon a quick text.

just so you know, i'm playing nice.

[marvel_npc]

"That went a little better," Riley observes, as the Sergeant stalks away. Ingrid rolls her eyes and closes her laptop.

"He's toying with us," she points out. "Trying to get us to play guessing games so he can get sanctimonious about how we're getting it wrong. You saw him try to twist what I said before."

"But I like guessing games," Riley tells her, happily. "At least he's giving us something to work with."

Ingrid shakes her head and gets up, taking her computer with her. "Have fun with it," she tells him. "Because he's going to shut us out until we give him an answer he likes."

Back in the hall, Bucky's phone buzzes with a text back from Sharon:

thank you

[nerves_of_ice]

He sighs at his phone, shoves it back in his pocket, and heads for the range.

Halfway there he changes his mind and goes to the garage instead. He takes the most public routes, and makes it blatantly obvious that he's claiming one of the bikes, which he rides slowly through the gate before accelerating toward town.

[marvel_npc]

The alert that someone's leaving through the garage chimes on Ingrid's laptop, and Riley leans over her shoulder to watch as the Sergeant takes one of the motorcycles out and in the direction of the small town nearby. "Should we do anything?" he asks, but Ingrid shakes her head.

"And give him a reason to think we're just here to put him on a leash?" she points out. "He'll be back. His best friend is here, and he's an Avenger now."

Riley nods and straightens. "I'll meet him when he gets back," he says. "Hey, Ingrid, want to go for a swim later? The pool is really nice."

She rolls her eyes at him and he grins back, then strolls out the apartment door, whistling.

[nerves_of_ice]

He spends a couple of hours in town, just to make sure he can, before he comes back to the compound. He brings with him a few pounds of the local roaster's specialty coffee - one for Steve, one for his own apartment-to-be, and one for Hogan to try and see if he wants to start stocking in places. Bucky figures it's just as well to try to stay on the guy's good side. He also brings the promised chocolate for Natasha.

(Before he leaves town, he snaps a quick picture of the coffee menu and sends it to Sharon with no comment, figuring it'll be enough of a message on its own.)

By hour three, he's walking back in the front door.

[marvel_npc]

There's no point in waiting around and wasting time, so Riley changes into light shorts and a sleeveless tank and goes for a run.

By the time Sergeant Barnes gets back, he's switched to a jump rope, and is happily bouncing up and down as the man comes to the front door of the compound. "Hey, Sergeant," Riley greets him, a little breathless, his hair sticking to his forehead with sweat. "Have a good trip?"

[nerves_of_ice]

That tells him two things: one, he's being watched closely enough that they'd noticed his departure, although to be fair he hadn't tried to hide it, and two, that they're not trying to keep him bound to the compound.

Interesting.

"Sure," he says, keeping it as matter-of-fact as he can. "There's a good coffee place in town, in case you haven't found it yet."

[marvel_npc]

"Yeah?"

Riley does a few crossovers, then lets the rope fall slack before he wipes some sweat out of his eyes. "I'll have to check it out. Ingrid likes good coffee. Me, I'd be fine with just instant."

[nerves_of_ice]

He'd seen in the file that they're aware of his ... problem ... with making choices, and he notices that Riley hasn't asked his preference. For that matter, as he thinks about it, both agents have been pretty careful not to ask him anything that might trip that boundary.

He's not sure what to think about that, not yet, but files it away all the same.

"Taste doesn't matter to you?" he asks.

[marvel_npc]

Riley shrugs. "I like most things," he points out. "Except pickles. But honestly? I can't really tell the difference. Hand me a fresh Italian espresso in Rome and I'll enjoy it; hand me a cup of gas station coffee in Arkansas and I'll like that, too."

He smiles and starts winding up the jump rope. "Anything else in town worth checking out?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's a nice town," Bucky tells him. "If small towns are among the things you like."

The faintest flicker of humor is present in his face for an instant, there and gone.

"No pickle stores. So you're safe on that front."

[marvel_npc]

Riley laughs and tosses him a salute. "Thanks for the recon," he says, amused, then lifts the rope in a loose wave. "I'm off to clean up. If you need anything later, I'll be at the pool for a while, okay?"