[Virginia AU] to unravel a torment you must begin somewhere

[nerves_of_ice]

I need to think, he'd told Sharon, and it's true all the way down to his bones. The problem is that he's having trouble doing it. After he spends the next half hour jumping at shadows, he considers going down into the tunnels for a while, but reluctantly decides against it. There's a five-kilometer trail on the grounds that he's run a couple of times. It'll do for a test, to see if the agents are going to have either a singular or a collective fit at his being out of the compound proper. Bucky goes straight from the garage's back exit to the nearest point, strips his jacket and leaves it on the ground, then settles into an easy lope.

By the third circuit, his mind's clear enough for him to start mulling over a few things, clear enough for him to look at the events of the last day or so in a new light. No wonder he'd had something like a - he doesn't even know how to describe it, the whirlwind of shock and fear and hurt and near-panic and desperation that he's been feeling. A spiral, maybe, but in the end the term doesn't matter, it's the reason, and when he really lets himself think about it, it doesn't take a genius or a scientist to be able to pinpoint it. All three of the people he's closest to in the world, the ones who know him best, had deceived him - or, to be fair, had let him deceive himself. And as a result, all three - Sharon more than the others, but Steve and Natasha as well - had taken harm or have been placed at still-great risk of harm, harm he's desperate to defend them from somehow. When he looks at it that way, it's really no wonder why he's reacting as he is. It's also obvious to him that he can't allow it to continue.

Bucky sets his jaw in tight, grim lines, and keeps running.

Three hours later, he makes his way back inside, absently mopping the sweat from his face and neck with the discarded jacket, and goes to find Hogan. "Windows," he tells him. Whether or not he'll leave them uncovered doesn't matter, not now. "Lots of windows. Somewhere high, not too near people. Furnished however you do as standard's fine for now. Okay?"

"I've got just the one," Hogan tells him. "I'll have it ready tomorrow. That soon enough?"

"Yes," Bucky assures him. "Thanks."

He stays with Steve again that night. Things are a little strained at first, until Bucky breaks the ice and apologizes for how he's been reacting. Steve doesn't want his apology, but his best friend listens while he tries to explain, and that's more than good enough.

Later that evening, he texts Natasha to suggest they catch up soon, and offers to bring cocoa, hoping the idea'll amuse her enough for her to realize he's not angry. Not any more. He texts Alyona a picture of Steve's bike, one of the ones he'd taken hanging upside-down, just to say hi, and texts Sharon a good-night wish.

He doesn't sleep much, due to the incessant nightmares, but at least he knows the reason for them. It helps.

The coffee's already made when Steve gets up, and conversation's a lot more relaxed. He's the first to ask about getting on the training schedule, and Steve's smile lights up the room.

By 8:57 AM, Bucky's waiting in the same conference room as the day before, a mug of black coffee at hand, and a blank notepad and pen on the table in front of him.

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[nerves_of_ice]

“Not much to see, but you’re always welcome.” He’s not sure it’ll happen, but it’s a nice thought.

He misses her, misses her like something’s been torn out of him, but it hadn’t been her choice to leave and she can’t come back, he knows.

[from_the_outside]

“Sometime,” she murmurs. Maybe not soon, but she’s damned if she’s not going to be able to get back to him, even if it’s just a personal visit. “Promise.”

[nerves_of_ice]

“I believe you,” he says, softly. “I do.”

Bucky tries hard to answer her smile. “We’ll figure it out.”

[from_the_outside]

“We’ve done more with less,” she points out.

“Just stay safe, baby. We’ll figure everything else out.”

[nerves_of_ice]

“I’ll be fine.” He tries to make it sound reassuring. “I’m more worried about everyone else.”

[from_the_outside]

Of course he is, because that’s the kind of person he is. He’s always thinking about everyone else.

She smiles, a little. “Try not to worry too much,” she murmurs. “Everyone’s okay.”

[nerves_of_ice]

For now, he thinks, but if he has anything to say about it, anything at all, it’ll stay that way.

“I’ll talk to Steve as soon as he’s clear,” he says. “Riley or Nilsson later. Alan and Rochelle after this.”

[from_the_outside]

“Okay.”

She wants to pace again, but it can wait until after they hang up. “You should give them a call, baby. Just let me know how things go today, okay?”

[nerves_of_ice]

“I will,” he promises. “Don’t worry, Sharon.”

[from_the_outside]

Her smile is slight and very wet. “I’ll try,” she promises.

How successful she’ll be remains to be seen, but she’ll try. “Talk later?”

[nerves_of_ice]

“I’ll call again tonight,” he says, gently. “How late is too late?”

[from_the_outside]

“Call anytime,” she tells him. “I’ll leave my ringer on.”

[nerves_of_ice]

He raises his hand, letting her see it, and sets it against the side of the phone like he’s cradling her face.

“Okay,” he murmurs.

[from_the_outside]

She tips her head like she would if he were here, if his hand were touching her cheek instead of his phone. "Okay," she murmurs. "I miss you so much. Stay safe. Call me when you can."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I will,” he murmurs. “I miss you too.”

He ends the call and stares into space for several long minutes, planning his next move.

[marvel_npc]

If he's being honest, he hadn't really thought things would get this much worse this quickly. He's locked in the conference room all afternoon with Tony, Ross, Agent Nilsson, and a digitally-present Alan Martinez, and they get absolutely nowhere. The one thing he can say for it all, he decides, as he wearily collects a bottle of beer from his fridge once he's finally made it back to his apartment, is that the JTTF agents are doggedly stubborn in their decision to keep Bucky away from Ross.

He's not sure where his best friend's been hiding out all day, but once the coast is clear, he'll have to go looking. Bucky needs to know he's not facing this alone.

[nerves_of_ice]

He waits until he sees Ross leave through the gate, then ghosts his way through lesser-used hallways and passages until he reaches Steve’s door. Bucky knocks to warn him, then skips inside without waiting for an answer.

[marvel_npc]

Steve comes into the living room at the knock, then relaxes when he sees who slips through the door. "Buck."

He sets his beer down and goes to his best friend, checking him over, his blue eyes clear and worried. "You okay?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“I’m fine,” he assures him. “Just sorry to be so much trouble.”

Bucky searches his face. “You?”

[marvel_npc]

"You're not," Steve promises. "Ross is the problem, not you."

He goes to where he'd set down the untouched beer and offers it to Bucky, tipping his head toward the kitchen. "It's been a long day. I wish I had some good news for you, but we didn't seem to be getting much of anywhere with him."

[nerves_of_ice]

He takes it and follows Steve to the kitchen.

“That’s not your fault. He wants what he wants.” He sounds tired, resigned, but calm. “He wants a weapon he can control. And maybe control over the Avengers too. I wouldn’t put it past him.”

[marvel_npc]

"He'd love it if he could get it," Steve agrees. "But after Pierce and without Fury... neither Tony nor I are in any rush to hand leadership of the Avengers off to anyone outside the team."

He goes to the fridge and gets another bottle of beer, twisting it open with thoughtless strength. "And he's not going to get you, either. It's just a matter of finding the right way to make it impossible."

[nerves_of_ice]

“Good,” Bucky says, firmly. “Don’t. That mudak can’t be trusted. Or anyone like him.”

He takes a second to frame his thoughts, watching Steve.

“I might have an idea about that. At least in the short term.”

[marvel_npc]

"Yeah?"

Steve leans against the counter and gestures at him with the bottle. "I'm all ears, pal."

[nerves_of_ice]

“You might not like it.” He sounds a little rueful, and takes a swallow from his bottle. “But it’d be temporary. Buying time, mostly. Time for Alan and Rochelle to work their angles. Time to figure out how to get a twist on Ross. Hell, time for the Task Force to figure something out, if they’re really going to play ball.”

Bucky takes a deep breath and looks Steve in the eye. “But it means you have to send me away. On an assignment.”