[Virginia AU] to unravel a torment you must begin somewhere

[nerves_of_ice]

I need to think, he'd told Sharon, and it's true all the way down to his bones. The problem is that he's having trouble doing it. After he spends the next half hour jumping at shadows, he considers going down into the tunnels for a while, but reluctantly decides against it. There's a five-kilometer trail on the grounds that he's run a couple of times. It'll do for a test, to see if the agents are going to have either a singular or a collective fit at his being out of the compound proper. Bucky goes straight from the garage's back exit to the nearest point, strips his jacket and leaves it on the ground, then settles into an easy lope.

By the third circuit, his mind's clear enough for him to start mulling over a few things, clear enough for him to look at the events of the last day or so in a new light. No wonder he'd had something like a - he doesn't even know how to describe it, the whirlwind of shock and fear and hurt and near-panic and desperation that he's been feeling. A spiral, maybe, but in the end the term doesn't matter, it's the reason, and when he really lets himself think about it, it doesn't take a genius or a scientist to be able to pinpoint it. All three of the people he's closest to in the world, the ones who know him best, had deceived him - or, to be fair, had let him deceive himself. And as a result, all three - Sharon more than the others, but Steve and Natasha as well - had taken harm or have been placed at still-great risk of harm, harm he's desperate to defend them from somehow. When he looks at it that way, it's really no wonder why he's reacting as he is. It's also obvious to him that he can't allow it to continue.

Bucky sets his jaw in tight, grim lines, and keeps running.

Three hours later, he makes his way back inside, absently mopping the sweat from his face and neck with the discarded jacket, and goes to find Hogan. "Windows," he tells him. Whether or not he'll leave them uncovered doesn't matter, not now. "Lots of windows. Somewhere high, not too near people. Furnished however you do as standard's fine for now. Okay?"

"I've got just the one," Hogan tells him. "I'll have it ready tomorrow. That soon enough?"

"Yes," Bucky assures him. "Thanks."

He stays with Steve again that night. Things are a little strained at first, until Bucky breaks the ice and apologizes for how he's been reacting. Steve doesn't want his apology, but his best friend listens while he tries to explain, and that's more than good enough.

Later that evening, he texts Natasha to suggest they catch up soon, and offers to bring cocoa, hoping the idea'll amuse her enough for her to realize he's not angry. Not any more. He texts Alyona a picture of Steve's bike, one of the ones he'd taken hanging upside-down, just to say hi, and texts Sharon a good-night wish.

He doesn't sleep much, due to the incessant nightmares, but at least he knows the reason for them. It helps.

The coffee's already made when Steve gets up, and conversation's a lot more relaxed. He's the first to ask about getting on the training schedule, and Steve's smile lights up the room.

By 8:57 AM, Bucky's waiting in the same conference room as the day before, a mug of black coffee at hand, and a blank notepad and pen on the table in front of him.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

He shrugs again. "Could be worse." Bucky hesitates, considering her, then admits,

"I'm messed up. The last few days haven't helped. But I'm working on it."

[from_the_outside]

"I'm sorry, baby," she murmurs.

For so many things. For her part in hurting him, for not being there now. "Can I help?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head. "It's not your fault. And I don't think so. I don't see how. I just have to... adapt."

[from_the_outside]

"It's a little bit my fault."

Maybe more than a little, if she's being honest. She gives him a rueful look. "You're good at adapting. I just wish you didn't have to."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I was always going to have to," he murmurs. "I just didn't expect to have to all at once. It's thrown me for a loop and left me spinning. But that's not your fault. Not yours, or Steve's, or Natasha's. I'm sorry for taking it out on you."

[from_the_outside]

"It's okay," she says, softly. "You deserve to be upset. We didn't tell you the truth."

She moves over to the couch and sits down, holding her phone up so he can see her face. "I'm sorry, too. Everything was just starting to settle down and then it all went to hell. We should have handled it better."

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head. "It's not that. Or not just that. You couldn't have known. None of you could. Hell, I'm not sure I could - I wasn't thinking about it, before."

The corner of his mouth quirks in a small wry wisp of a smile, there and gone.

"I have an apartment now, did you know?"

[from_the_outside]

"Yeah?"

She smiles, a little. "You'll be able to get more books now."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I guess." He sounds extremely dubious about it.

[from_the_outside]

That skepticism in his voice makes her smile broaden. "Is it nice?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's nice," he assures her. "I told Hogan to do whatever his standard setup is for things. Plus windows."

[from_the_outside]

"I'll need to find you a housewarming present."

She's teasing, but also: not really. She thinks about how much he seems to like the quilt at the mountain house and makes a mental note. "That's great, baby. It's all official, now, you being on the team."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Yeah, it is." He wishes he could be as excited about it as he was when Steve had first told him, back before he realized what else had changed... and before he'd realized just how much of a danger his presence on the team is to the others.

Some of that leaks through in the weariness in his voice, he realizes, and wants to curse himself for it. The best he can do is try to explain. "Although that gives Ross - State Ross, I mean - a way in, so maybe it'd be better if I weren't."

[from_the_outside]

"Don't say that."

She shakes her head at him, stubbornly. "It's a good thing. A really good thing. Don't let Thunderbolt ruin it for you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Sharon, if he's able to use me to hurt them, I'll never forgive myself," he says, tiredly. "In a way, it's not much different from what Zemo tried."

[from_the_outside]

"He's not going to be able to," she says, still stubborn. "And it is different. Zemo wanted to destroy the Avengers. Whatever Ross is after, it's not that. And they wouldn't have taken you on if they weren't prepared to have this fight."

[nerves_of_ice]

He braces his right arm across his knee, phone in hand, and runs his left hand through his hair before letting it drop.

"I know," he says. "I know. But I don't deserve it."

[from_the_outside]

“Yes, you do,” she promises him. “I know you don’t think so, but you do, baby. You deserve every good thing.”

[nerves_of_ice]

He smiles, a little, at her passionate defense of him.

“I guess we’ll see,” he allows.

[from_the_outside]

“We will,” she agrees, pleased to see him smile a little.

He’ll see, hopefully. “Are you staying in the new apartment, or with Steve?”

[nerves_of_ice]

“I stayed in the new place last night,” Bucky tells her. “Figured I had to start somewhere.”

[from_the_outside]

She makes a soft sound of agreement and smiles at him.

“I hope I can come see it, sometime.”

[nerves_of_ice]

“Not much to see, but you’re always welcome.” He’s not sure it’ll happen, but it’s a nice thought.

He misses her, misses her like something’s been torn out of him, but it hadn’t been her choice to leave and she can’t come back, he knows.

[from_the_outside]

“Sometime,” she murmurs. Maybe not soon, but she’s damned if she’s not going to be able to get back to him, even if it’s just a personal visit. “Promise.”

[nerves_of_ice]

“I believe you,” he says, softly. “I do.”

Bucky tries hard to answer her smile. “We’ll figure it out.”