[Virginia AU] to unravel a torment you must begin somewhere

[nerves_of_ice]

I need to think, he'd told Sharon, and it's true all the way down to his bones. The problem is that he's having trouble doing it. After he spends the next half hour jumping at shadows, he considers going down into the tunnels for a while, but reluctantly decides against it. There's a five-kilometer trail on the grounds that he's run a couple of times. It'll do for a test, to see if the agents are going to have either a singular or a collective fit at his being out of the compound proper. Bucky goes straight from the garage's back exit to the nearest point, strips his jacket and leaves it on the ground, then settles into an easy lope.

By the third circuit, his mind's clear enough for him to start mulling over a few things, clear enough for him to look at the events of the last day or so in a new light. No wonder he'd had something like a - he doesn't even know how to describe it, the whirlwind of shock and fear and hurt and near-panic and desperation that he's been feeling. A spiral, maybe, but in the end the term doesn't matter, it's the reason, and when he really lets himself think about it, it doesn't take a genius or a scientist to be able to pinpoint it. All three of the people he's closest to in the world, the ones who know him best, had deceived him - or, to be fair, had let him deceive himself. And as a result, all three - Sharon more than the others, but Steve and Natasha as well - had taken harm or have been placed at still-great risk of harm, harm he's desperate to defend them from somehow. When he looks at it that way, it's really no wonder why he's reacting as he is. It's also obvious to him that he can't allow it to continue.

Bucky sets his jaw in tight, grim lines, and keeps running.

Three hours later, he makes his way back inside, absently mopping the sweat from his face and neck with the discarded jacket, and goes to find Hogan. "Windows," he tells him. Whether or not he'll leave them uncovered doesn't matter, not now. "Lots of windows. Somewhere high, not too near people. Furnished however you do as standard's fine for now. Okay?"

"I've got just the one," Hogan tells him. "I'll have it ready tomorrow. That soon enough?"

"Yes," Bucky assures him. "Thanks."

He stays with Steve again that night. Things are a little strained at first, until Bucky breaks the ice and apologizes for how he's been reacting. Steve doesn't want his apology, but his best friend listens while he tries to explain, and that's more than good enough.

Later that evening, he texts Natasha to suggest they catch up soon, and offers to bring cocoa, hoping the idea'll amuse her enough for her to realize he's not angry. Not any more. He texts Alyona a picture of Steve's bike, one of the ones he'd taken hanging upside-down, just to say hi, and texts Sharon a good-night wish.

He doesn't sleep much, due to the incessant nightmares, but at least he knows the reason for them. It helps.

The coffee's already made when Steve gets up, and conversation's a lot more relaxed. He's the first to ask about getting on the training schedule, and Steve's smile lights up the room.

By 8:57 AM, Bucky's waiting in the same conference room as the day before, a mug of black coffee at hand, and a blank notepad and pen on the table in front of him.

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[from_the_outside]

"Bucky."

She's up and pacing when the call comes through, and though her relief is clear when she sees him, concern still furrows her brow. "What happened? Are you okay?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“I’m okay. He’s in with Tony right now,” he assures her. “Don’t worry.”

He scowls. “Looks like the Secretary wants a weapon.”

[from_the_outside]

"That asshole."

Of course he does. Aunt Peggy could have predicted Thunderbolt Ross would come sniffing around the second Bucky was within reach. She studies him through the phone, trying to make sure he's all right. "Well, what the hell is Nilsson doing about it? She just let him waltz in there?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“They weren’t expecting him, but they threw up walls,” he says, dryly. “I still don’t like her, but I have to respect how she and Riley faced him down.”

[from_the_outside]

"Good," she says, though it's reluctant. "They'd better keep doing it, too."

She should be there. How can she be sure Riley and Ingrid are doing everything they can if she's stuck here? Sharon paces back and forth, then watches him as closely as she can, worried. "Alan and Rochelle will be useful, too. Have you talked to them yet?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Not yet. I'll call them next. I'm figuring Tony already did on the Avengers' behalf, so."

He watches her pace and feels awful for worrying her, but it's not like he was going to hide it.

"It'll be okay, Sharon. I was expecting something like this. I have been since I got here."

[from_the_outside]

"I know," she murmurs. "But it still sucks. I'm sorry, baby."

He's down in the tunnels, she can see, and that makes her grimace again. "I hate that you have to hide out over there."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Better to be down here than up with him," he says, practically. "The other option I was offered was to hang out with Riley or Nilsson at all times."

The absolute neutrality of his tone speaks volumes, he's sure. "They mean well, I think. I didn't believe that before."

[from_the_outside]

"I'm sure they do."

Ross – her boss, Ross, not the other one – is one of the good guys, she's sure of it. And he's supported Bucky's personhood the whole way through. "Nilsson's hard to like, but she's a good agent. If her job is to protect you, she will. And Riley's a genuinely good guy."

A tiny, rueful quarter of a smile rucks up the corner of her mouth. "I wish it were me there, but they'll do a good job, too."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I was pissed off when I found out you've been blocked from my file." Bucky stares up at the ceiling for a moment, listening intently, then turns his attention back to her.

"But I won't fight it if you don't want me to."

[from_the_outside]

"Of course I was," she tells him, though it strikes an ache deep in her chest. "That's sensitive information. Only the people directly involved in your case should have access to it."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Which should include you," he counters. "You were directly involved. You have specific knowledge and expertise. And it's obvious the Task Force has a leak anyway, since someone gave the damn file to State, so blocking you from it is nothing more than a stupid power play."

[from_the_outside]

Sharon sighs and just barely manages to refrain from reaching up to rub at her forehead. "I was directly involved," she points out. "They'd only call me in now if something went really wrong. And even then, they'd only tell me what I needed to know to be able to offer advice. I don't have the security clearance anymore, Bucky."

[nerves_of_ice]

His scowl is thunderous, but all he says is, "Like I said. I won't fight it if you don't want me to."

[from_the_outside]

"I don't want you to."

It's as much a lie as it is the truth. As much as she wishes she knew everything that was happening, she knows why she can't, too. "Only push for it if you actually think it would help, not just because you think I should have access again."

Her gaze is compassionate but firm. "Okay?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He shrugs, and leans against the concrete wall. "Fine."

[from_the_outside]

"Thank you."

He's stubborn enough that he might take that loophole and run with it, but she hopes he goes by the spirit of what she'd said more than the words themselves. "Are you okay otherwise?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He shrugs again. "Could be worse." Bucky hesitates, considering her, then admits,

"I'm messed up. The last few days haven't helped. But I'm working on it."

[from_the_outside]

"I'm sorry, baby," she murmurs.

For so many things. For her part in hurting him, for not being there now. "Can I help?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head. "It's not your fault. And I don't think so. I don't see how. I just have to... adapt."

[from_the_outside]

"It's a little bit my fault."

Maybe more than a little, if she's being honest. She gives him a rueful look. "You're good at adapting. I just wish you didn't have to."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I was always going to have to," he murmurs. "I just didn't expect to have to all at once. It's thrown me for a loop and left me spinning. But that's not your fault. Not yours, or Steve's, or Natasha's. I'm sorry for taking it out on you."

[from_the_outside]

"It's okay," she says, softly. "You deserve to be upset. We didn't tell you the truth."

She moves over to the couch and sits down, holding her phone up so he can see her face. "I'm sorry, too. Everything was just starting to settle down and then it all went to hell. We should have handled it better."

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head. "It's not that. Or not just that. You couldn't have known. None of you could. Hell, I'm not sure I could - I wasn't thinking about it, before."

The corner of his mouth quirks in a small wry wisp of a smile, there and gone.

"I have an apartment now, did you know?"

[from_the_outside]

"Yeah?"

She smiles, a little. "You'll be able to get more books now."