[Virginia AU] to unravel a torment you must begin somewhere

[nerves_of_ice]

I need to think, he'd told Sharon, and it's true all the way down to his bones. The problem is that he's having trouble doing it. After he spends the next half hour jumping at shadows, he considers going down into the tunnels for a while, but reluctantly decides against it. There's a five-kilometer trail on the grounds that he's run a couple of times. It'll do for a test, to see if the agents are going to have either a singular or a collective fit at his being out of the compound proper. Bucky goes straight from the garage's back exit to the nearest point, strips his jacket and leaves it on the ground, then settles into an easy lope.

By the third circuit, his mind's clear enough for him to start mulling over a few things, clear enough for him to look at the events of the last day or so in a new light. No wonder he'd had something like a - he doesn't even know how to describe it, the whirlwind of shock and fear and hurt and near-panic and desperation that he's been feeling. A spiral, maybe, but in the end the term doesn't matter, it's the reason, and when he really lets himself think about it, it doesn't take a genius or a scientist to be able to pinpoint it. All three of the people he's closest to in the world, the ones who know him best, had deceived him - or, to be fair, had let him deceive himself. And as a result, all three - Sharon more than the others, but Steve and Natasha as well - had taken harm or have been placed at still-great risk of harm, harm he's desperate to defend them from somehow. When he looks at it that way, it's really no wonder why he's reacting as he is. It's also obvious to him that he can't allow it to continue.

Bucky sets his jaw in tight, grim lines, and keeps running.

Three hours later, he makes his way back inside, absently mopping the sweat from his face and neck with the discarded jacket, and goes to find Hogan. "Windows," he tells him. Whether or not he'll leave them uncovered doesn't matter, not now. "Lots of windows. Somewhere high, not too near people. Furnished however you do as standard's fine for now. Okay?"

"I've got just the one," Hogan tells him. "I'll have it ready tomorrow. That soon enough?"

"Yes," Bucky assures him. "Thanks."

He stays with Steve again that night. Things are a little strained at first, until Bucky breaks the ice and apologizes for how he's been reacting. Steve doesn't want his apology, but his best friend listens while he tries to explain, and that's more than good enough.

Later that evening, he texts Natasha to suggest they catch up soon, and offers to bring cocoa, hoping the idea'll amuse her enough for her to realize he's not angry. Not any more. He texts Alyona a picture of Steve's bike, one of the ones he'd taken hanging upside-down, just to say hi, and texts Sharon a good-night wish.

He doesn't sleep much, due to the incessant nightmares, but at least he knows the reason for them. It helps.

The coffee's already made when Steve gets up, and conversation's a lot more relaxed. He's the first to ask about getting on the training schedule, and Steve's smile lights up the room.

By 8:57 AM, Bucky's waiting in the same conference room as the day before, a mug of black coffee at hand, and a blank notepad and pen on the table in front of him.

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[nerves_of_ice]

He accepts the apartment key and directions to its location in the building, and promises to let Happy know if there's anything he needs. All too soon he's stepping out of the other man's office to rejoin Tony Stark.

"So," he starts, and tips his head to the side, away from the door so they won't be overheard.

[marvel_npc]

He suddenly, fervently, wishes Pepper were here, before he joins Barnes off to the side, watching the other man, faintly wary.

"What's up?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"I wanted to apologize," he says, low. No point in dancing around the subject. "I know my leaving with Natasha like that put you in an awkward position when it comes to being asked to support me being - being on the team. Steve's and your team."

[marvel_npc]

"You, uh, you really don't need to." Tony shoves his hands into his pockets, rocking back and forth in his sneakers. "You think you're the only one who puts people in an awkward spot because they go off on an impulse? You know who you're talking to, right?"

[nerves_of_ice]

The slightest rueful flicker of a smile touches his lips. "Yeah, okay, fair. But still."

Bucky takes a deep breath. "If you want, I can talk to Steve, try to figure something else out. I don't - you shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable in your own home. Place. You know what I mean."

[marvel_npc]

A deep wash of self-loathing floods through him, familiar in its bitterness. "Yeah, don't worry about it."

Tony shakes his head and shoves his hands deeper into his pockets. "If I didn't think you deserved it, I wouldn't have agreed to it. You know I'm selfish enough for that to be true."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Somehow I think you're less selfish than you tell people," Bucky says, quietly.

"Anyway. If you're sure." He shifts, a little uncomfortably. "But will you let me know if the agents start hounding you? They're asking - they asked about observing, or - anyway I told them no, but just in case."

[marvel_npc]

"Well, keep it to yourself," Tony tells him. "It's completely off-brand for me."

He frowns at Bucky's question. "Hounding me? About – oh. Huh." His gaze goes distant and thoughtful. "I hadn't even started thinking about that yet, but I guess we probably should, huh?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"The block's more than I ever thought I'd have," Bucky tells him, quietly. "You don't have to do anything else. You don't owe me anything. Anything at all."

[marvel_npc]

"Yeah," Tony says, lifting a hand and waving it. "I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm not really a 'good enough is fine' kind of guy. You don't want to do more, fine by me; if there's nothing more I can do, well..."

He pauses and shakes his head. "Yeah, I don't think that's the case. But just so you know, I'm willing to keep going."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky blinks and considers him carefully, then smiles, just a little. "I'm in if you're in."

[marvel_npc]

That break he and Pepper had taken feels about a million year ago, but despite the weariness in his face, his eyes are bright as a tiny, wry smile touches the corner of his own lips. "Great. I'll set it up."

He hesitates a moment, then takes his hand from his pocket and offers it to the other man. "Welcome aboard. Officially."

[nerves_of_ice]

If he has any hesitations of his own, they don't show. Bucky meets Tony's hand with his own and smiles back, just as small and wry, but real.

"Thanks. Sincerely."

[marvel_npc]

Tony nods, short and abrupt, but his shake is firm and warm. "Sure."

He lets go and steps back. "I'll let you know when we can get started, yeah?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Sounds good.” Bucky nods to Hogan’s door.

“I’ll let you get back to what you were doing.”

[marvel_npc]

"Thanks."

Tony lifts a hand to him in farewell, and starts moving back toward Happy's office. "See you around."

[nerves_of_ice]

“See you.”

Bucky heads off in the opposite direction, deciding to go check out the new apartment. Figuring out what to do from there should keep him busy for a while, he figures.

[marvel_npc]

“I’ve got a good feeling about today,” Riley says, as he and Ingrid head toward the little meeting room.

She gives him a skeptical glance, but doesn’t argue, which is honestly already a win for him.

[nerves_of_ice]

The new apartment feels too big. Bucky figures it’s just something else he’s going to have to get used to, part of his accelerated rush toward being a person again, especially now, but in the meantime he makes coffee and finds a sports channel on the television to fill the silence with aimless sound and leaves early for the meeting with the agents.

Still, it could be worse, he thinks.

[marvel_npc]

“Morning, Sergeant,” Riley says, cheerful, as they enter the room. “I was telling Ingrid here about that coffee shop. Thanks for the recommendation.”

[nerves_of_ice]

“You’re welcome,” Bucky says. His glance flicks to Nilsson and back again.

“Good morning.”

[marvel_npc]

“We haven’t had a chance to get there yet, but we’ll check it out for sure,” Riley promises him, settling into a seat as Ingrid does the same. “And we - “

But a soft chime from outside the meeting room distracts him, and he frowns at Ingrid. “That’s the arrival notification. I wonder who’s swinging by.”

[marvel_npc]

He can't say he thinks much of compound security or protocol, administered as it is by the man he's well aware was once Tony Stark's chauffeur, of all things. Stark's blind loyalty's a weakness.

Still, it simplifies matters in the moment, and Thaddeus Ross has never been loath to take advantage of an opportunity. He's certain that Stark and Rogers will be apprised of his presence soon enough, but for now Hogan can't immediately figure out a way to deny access to the Secretary of State, and Ross doesn't give him time to think about it. When pushed, Hogan admits that Barnes is usually in a meeting at this time of the morning, and gives him directions to the location.

Ross walks with him as escort to the small conference room and leaves him outside, not waiting for the chime to be acknowledged. He walks in with the easy confidence of a man comfortable in his power, and his glance goes straight to Barnes, who rises slowly to his feet on the other side of the table.

"I see the rumors are true."

[nerves_of_ice]

Fuck. He can't face this sitting down, and doesn't even try. As he gets to his feet, Bucky silently prays that whatever's keeping Steve from being here at this moment keeps delaying him for long enough that he can find a way to deal with the situation.

Somehow.

"Secretary Ross."

His tone is completely devoid of emotion... any emotion at all.

[marvel_npc]

The agents cast a glance at one another, then stand. Ingrid sets herself between Ross and Barnes, while Riley shifts to stand next to the Sergeant.

“Mister Secretary,” Ingrid says, calm. “This is unexpected. Is there something we can help you with?”