[Virginia AU] to unravel a torment you must begin somewhere

[nerves_of_ice]

I need to think, he'd told Sharon, and it's true all the way down to his bones. The problem is that he's having trouble doing it. After he spends the next half hour jumping at shadows, he considers going down into the tunnels for a while, but reluctantly decides against it. There's a five-kilometer trail on the grounds that he's run a couple of times. It'll do for a test, to see if the agents are going to have either a singular or a collective fit at his being out of the compound proper. Bucky goes straight from the garage's back exit to the nearest point, strips his jacket and leaves it on the ground, then settles into an easy lope.

By the third circuit, his mind's clear enough for him to start mulling over a few things, clear enough for him to look at the events of the last day or so in a new light. No wonder he'd had something like a - he doesn't even know how to describe it, the whirlwind of shock and fear and hurt and near-panic and desperation that he's been feeling. A spiral, maybe, but in the end the term doesn't matter, it's the reason, and when he really lets himself think about it, it doesn't take a genius or a scientist to be able to pinpoint it. All three of the people he's closest to in the world, the ones who know him best, had deceived him - or, to be fair, had let him deceive himself. And as a result, all three - Sharon more than the others, but Steve and Natasha as well - had taken harm or have been placed at still-great risk of harm, harm he's desperate to defend them from somehow. When he looks at it that way, it's really no wonder why he's reacting as he is. It's also obvious to him that he can't allow it to continue.

Bucky sets his jaw in tight, grim lines, and keeps running.

Three hours later, he makes his way back inside, absently mopping the sweat from his face and neck with the discarded jacket, and goes to find Hogan. "Windows," he tells him. Whether or not he'll leave them uncovered doesn't matter, not now. "Lots of windows. Somewhere high, not too near people. Furnished however you do as standard's fine for now. Okay?"

"I've got just the one," Hogan tells him. "I'll have it ready tomorrow. That soon enough?"

"Yes," Bucky assures him. "Thanks."

He stays with Steve again that night. Things are a little strained at first, until Bucky breaks the ice and apologizes for how he's been reacting. Steve doesn't want his apology, but his best friend listens while he tries to explain, and that's more than good enough.

Later that evening, he texts Natasha to suggest they catch up soon, and offers to bring cocoa, hoping the idea'll amuse her enough for her to realize he's not angry. Not any more. He texts Alyona a picture of Steve's bike, one of the ones he'd taken hanging upside-down, just to say hi, and texts Sharon a good-night wish.

He doesn't sleep much, due to the incessant nightmares, but at least he knows the reason for them. It helps.

The coffee's already made when Steve gets up, and conversation's a lot more relaxed. He's the first to ask about getting on the training schedule, and Steve's smile lights up the room.

By 8:57 AM, Bucky's waiting in the same conference room as the day before, a mug of black coffee at hand, and a blank notepad and pen on the table in front of him.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

He'd seen in the file that they're aware of his ... problem ... with making choices, and he notices that Riley hasn't asked his preference. For that matter, as he thinks about it, both agents have been pretty careful not to ask him anything that might trip that boundary.

He's not sure what to think about that, not yet, but files it away all the same.

"Taste doesn't matter to you?" he asks.

[marvel_npc]

Riley shrugs. "I like most things," he points out. "Except pickles. But honestly? I can't really tell the difference. Hand me a fresh Italian espresso in Rome and I'll enjoy it; hand me a cup of gas station coffee in Arkansas and I'll like that, too."

He smiles and starts winding up the jump rope. "Anything else in town worth checking out?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's a nice town," Bucky tells him. "If small towns are among the things you like."

The faintest flicker of humor is present in his face for an instant, there and gone.

"No pickle stores. So you're safe on that front."

[marvel_npc]

Riley laughs and tosses him a salute. "Thanks for the recon," he says, amused, then lifts the rope in a loose wave. "I'm off to clean up. If you need anything later, I'll be at the pool for a while, okay?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Okay." He can't imagine needing anything that he'd actually ask one of the agents for, but there's no harm in the acknowledgement.

Bucky nods a cordial farewell to him and heads off in the direction of Hogan's office.

[marvel_npc]

He follows Tony around as his boss checks through their supplies and the list of upcoming deliveries. "I keep telling you," Happy says. "You don't need to micromanage. It just makes me feel like you don't trust me."

"I trust you," Tony says, a little distractedly. "You called that butcher, right? About the meat."

"Yes," Happy sighs. "Like I told you yesterday. And the day before."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky raps with his left hand against the side of the outer door as he walks in. "Brought some coffee from town," he calls. "Thought you might want--"

He cuts himself off there as he spots the two of them. "-- uh, sorry. Didn't mean to intrude."

[marvel_npc]

"Fine, but if Sam can't do that barbeque he's been talking about for weeks, I'm throwing you under the bus," Tony's saying, just as the rap sounds and they both turn to see Bucky Barnes coming into the office.

His brain freezes for a brief moment, like a possum playing dead, before he holds up his hands. "Nope," Tony says. "Not interrupting. I was just leaving. Happy?"

"Right," Happy says, after too long of a beat. "He was. What can I do for you, Sergeant?"

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky shakes his head at Tony. "You're fine," he says. He can't fail to miss Happy's surprise at Tony's declaration.

Maybe that's why his subconscious decides to let words pour out his mouth before he can stop himself. "Actually, if you've got a few seconds after this...?"

[marvel_npc]

"Uh..."

But he really can't say no, can he? "Sure. Yeah. I've got time." Tony glances ta Happy, then back at Barnes. "Do your thing you came for. I'll wait just outside."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Thanks," he murmurs, and turns to Happy. "Brought you a pound of coffee from the local roaster in town," he tells him. "Thought you might like to give it a try, see if it's something that works out."

[marvel_npc]

Tony waits outside the door, listening as Happy thanks Barnes for the coffee and lets the man know he's got an apartment all squared away for him. One of the good ones, Tony hopes, but Happy's really come around on Barnes, now that the guy is an official part of the team. That puts him under Happy's umbrella, he guesses.

Well, there are worse places to be.

[nerves_of_ice]

He accepts the apartment key and directions to its location in the building, and promises to let Happy know if there's anything he needs. All too soon he's stepping out of the other man's office to rejoin Tony Stark.

"So," he starts, and tips his head to the side, away from the door so they won't be overheard.

[marvel_npc]

He suddenly, fervently, wishes Pepper were here, before he joins Barnes off to the side, watching the other man, faintly wary.

"What's up?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"I wanted to apologize," he says, low. No point in dancing around the subject. "I know my leaving with Natasha like that put you in an awkward position when it comes to being asked to support me being - being on the team. Steve's and your team."

[marvel_npc]

"You, uh, you really don't need to." Tony shoves his hands into his pockets, rocking back and forth in his sneakers. "You think you're the only one who puts people in an awkward spot because they go off on an impulse? You know who you're talking to, right?"

[nerves_of_ice]

The slightest rueful flicker of a smile touches his lips. "Yeah, okay, fair. But still."

Bucky takes a deep breath. "If you want, I can talk to Steve, try to figure something else out. I don't - you shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable in your own home. Place. You know what I mean."

[marvel_npc]

A deep wash of self-loathing floods through him, familiar in its bitterness. "Yeah, don't worry about it."

Tony shakes his head and shoves his hands deeper into his pockets. "If I didn't think you deserved it, I wouldn't have agreed to it. You know I'm selfish enough for that to be true."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Somehow I think you're less selfish than you tell people," Bucky says, quietly.

"Anyway. If you're sure." He shifts, a little uncomfortably. "But will you let me know if the agents start hounding you? They're asking - they asked about observing, or - anyway I told them no, but just in case."

[marvel_npc]

"Well, keep it to yourself," Tony tells him. "It's completely off-brand for me."

He frowns at Bucky's question. "Hounding me? About – oh. Huh." His gaze goes distant and thoughtful. "I hadn't even started thinking about that yet, but I guess we probably should, huh?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"The block's more than I ever thought I'd have," Bucky tells him, quietly. "You don't have to do anything else. You don't owe me anything. Anything at all."

[marvel_npc]

"Yeah," Tony says, lifting a hand and waving it. "I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm not really a 'good enough is fine' kind of guy. You don't want to do more, fine by me; if there's nothing more I can do, well..."

He pauses and shakes his head. "Yeah, I don't think that's the case. But just so you know, I'm willing to keep going."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky blinks and considers him carefully, then smiles, just a little. "I'm in if you're in."

[marvel_npc]

That break he and Pepper had taken feels about a million year ago, but despite the weariness in his face, his eyes are bright as a tiny, wry smile touches the corner of his own lips. "Great. I'll set it up."

He hesitates a moment, then takes his hand from his pocket and offers it to the other man. "Welcome aboard. Officially."

[nerves_of_ice]

If he has any hesitations of his own, they don't show. Bucky meets Tony's hand with his own and smiles back, just as small and wry, but real.

"Thanks. Sincerely."