[Leipzig AU] a means to a necessary end

[nerves_of_ice]

It's a long flight from Berlin to Novosibirsk and the secret location far beyond it, even in a Quinjet. They spend the time planning and coordinating. Bucky describes the structure and security of the facility itself as best he remembers. Tony calls up plans and blueprints from god knows where and throws them into the middle of the plane for all to see. They're not the same as what Bucky remembers, they figure out fairly quickly, but they're better than nothing.

Tony also takes over the back of the plane and snaps at anyone who comes close, doing something that involves shifting screens and models of buildings and wave patterns and a human skull, and the eventually the low humming grind of a machine. Soon after, he stalks back up to the front of the plane and shoves a set of custom-fabricated earplugs at Bucky, who stares at them and then at Tony.

"Noise-cancelling all the way to total sound blackout. Tap the end of the earpiece to deafen yourself," Tony informs him. "Last thing we need's for you to be his puppet." Bucky starts to stammer a thanks, but Tony growls something under his breath and stalks back to the back of the plane again to work on something else. Steve catches Bucky's eye and shakes his head, and Bucky decides to leave well enough alone.

Sam advises everyone to rest in shifts; Bucky knows he's not wrong, but neither he nor Steve can do it, and after a while Sam stops trying to convince them. Natasha sits with him for a while, her eyes dark with concern. They don't say much, but there's no need to.

A Snowcat is parked outside the door of the facility when they land. Bucky's jaw sets in hard lines at the sight of it, and he trades a look with Steve.

They're already here.

Comments

[from_the_outside]

She nods and gives him a last kiss, then steps back to let him turn the water off and pushes the shower curtain back so she can step out and reach for a couple of towels.

One she shakes out and offers to him; the other she uses to tousle her hair before wrapping it around her torso.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Hold on," he says. Bucky dries off quickly, hangs the towel over one of the racks, and goes out into the room to search the closet.

He comes back with a very fluffy robe, which he shakes out and holds open for her.

[from_the_outside]

Sharon smiles and takes off the towel, setting it to hang dry, and comes to turn in front of him and put first one arm and then the other into the sleeves of the robe.

It's soft and cozy as she ties the belt around her waist, and she runs a palm over the material, enjoying the fluffy softness of it.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Warm enough?" he murmurs. Bucky runs a hand over her shoulder, flipping her damp hair back, and lets out an amused sound. "Like petting a cat."

[from_the_outside]

"Warm enough," she promises, and comes to press herself – and the soft robe – against him, her arms around his neck.

"It didn't feel like I'd ever get warm again for a while. But now I am."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Probably took you longer than it does me because of the fast healing thing," he murmurs, his eyes dark. His breath catches as she moves closer against him.

[from_the_outside]

"I don't have a furnace for a metabolism," she points out, and lifts one hand to rest it against the curve of his face, her thumb light on his cheekbone as she studies him.

"I'm okay, baby. Promise."

[nerves_of_ice]

"When I saw you in there - with the others - for a second I thought--"

He breaks off there, shaking his head, and puts his arms around her to pull her closer.

[from_the_outside]

She wraps her arms tightly around him and pushes herself close, tucking her face into the corner of his neck.

"I'm sorry," she whispers. "I'm so sorry. I know it must have been horrible. All of it."

[nerves_of_ice]

He makes an inarticulate sound and bends to scoop her up to carry her as he'd done earlier, one arm around her back and the other beneath her legs.

"I was terrified for you."

[from_the_outside]

"I know," she says, and kisses his neck and hair and shoulder, everywhere she can reach. "I'm so sorry, baby."

Her arms tighten around his neck, unwilling to let go. "When it opened, and I woke up and saw you... I thought you were a dream."

[nerves_of_ice]

He carries her over to the bed and sits down on it, cradling her across his lap, holding her tight.

"Were you dreaming before?"

[from_the_outside]

"If I was, I don't remember it. But I don't think so."

She relaxes her hold on him enough to pull back and look into his face. "But everything before felt sort of like a dream. After he drugged me."

[nerves_of_ice]

"We'll find out where he got it," he promises, low and tight. "Natasha's going to interrogate him herself, I think."

He studies her expression carefully. "Do you want to tell me about it?" He's honestly not sure if that will help her or not, but if it's what she needs-- he doesn't want her to think he's unwilling to hear it.

[from_the_outside]

Her expression turns complicated, then rueful, and she shakes her head, more uncertain than negating. "I don't know, baby."

She feels better, more herself now, but there's still a deep well of upset in her chest; of fear and confused frustration. "I don't want to hurt you. And I just – I feel – "

She struggles for a moment, trying to avoid it, but can't. Not with him. "Fragile. And I hate it. I'm not supposed to feel that way. Not ever."

[nerves_of_ice]

"You won't hurt me." It's a promise, deep and sure. "I don't - I won't push you. But if it'd - if talking through it helps put it away, maybe?"

She'd been the one to ask him in Greece if he wanted to talk about the mission, for similar reasons, he remembers.

"Why fragile?" He sounds as surprised as he feels by that.

[from_the_outside]

"I don't know," she says, frustrated.

"I don't know! I feel like if I think about it too much, I'll crack. All I know is I don't like it."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Okay," he murmurs, stroking one hand up and down her arm. "Okay, baby."

He doesn't know how to help her, but he can be here for her, at least.

[from_the_outside]

Somehow just the act of him asking has loosened something in her, and the crack she'd feared would splinter her self-control shoots through her like lightning.

"He took me out in my own apartment," she says, wretched. "Do you know how stupid that makes me feel? And then he just... puppeted me around. And it was so easy. It was the easiest thing in the world for him."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky shakes his head, even as rage at Zemo surges through him once more. "He cheated. He'd never have been able to do it without the drug, baby."

[from_the_outside]

"He would have won without the drug," she says, grimacing. She's trembling now, but it's with anger instead of cold.

"He did win. He had me on the floor. The drug just made it easier to get to the plane."

[nerves_of_ice]

What comes to his mind in that moment, as he holds her closer still, feeling the way she shivers, is a flicker of memory from long, long ago, when talking to an eager group of students at the YMCA.

"Down isn't always out," he murmurs. "But nobody wins every fight. There's no shame in that."

[from_the_outside]

"It was this time," she says, feeling suddenly tired and defeated.

He could have killed her, she knows. He didn't have to bring her all the way up to Siberia. He could have murdered her and left her for Steve to find and brought him there that way.

She's only alive because Zemo wanted to twist the knife. Not through any skill of her own. "I barely got a hit in. And then, this – "

She indicates her bruised cheek. "Wasn't even part of the fight. He slapped me just to make sure the drug was working. Or to humiliate me. Or for fun. Maybe all three."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I may kill him yet," Bucky mutters. "I'm sorry, baby."

[from_the_outside]

She breathes out through her nose and takes a deeper, longer breath in. "There wasn't much more after that," she murmurs.

"I told you most of it. He asked me a bunch of questions and I answered them all. He gave me a cover – told me to pretend to be his girlfriend. And to get him to the airport. Which I did. I helped him set things up in the facility. And then..."

She shrugs, very slightly. "I don't remember anything after getting into the chamber. Not until you opened it."