[Leipzig AU] a means to a necessary end

[nerves_of_ice]

It's a long flight from Berlin to Novosibirsk and the secret location far beyond it, even in a Quinjet. They spend the time planning and coordinating. Bucky describes the structure and security of the facility itself as best he remembers. Tony calls up plans and blueprints from god knows where and throws them into the middle of the plane for all to see. They're not the same as what Bucky remembers, they figure out fairly quickly, but they're better than nothing.

Tony also takes over the back of the plane and snaps at anyone who comes close, doing something that involves shifting screens and models of buildings and wave patterns and a human skull, and the eventually the low humming grind of a machine. Soon after, he stalks back up to the front of the plane and shoves a set of custom-fabricated earplugs at Bucky, who stares at them and then at Tony.

"Noise-cancelling all the way to total sound blackout. Tap the end of the earpiece to deafen yourself," Tony informs him. "Last thing we need's for you to be his puppet." Bucky starts to stammer a thanks, but Tony growls something under his breath and stalks back to the back of the plane again to work on something else. Steve catches Bucky's eye and shakes his head, and Bucky decides to leave well enough alone.

Sam advises everyone to rest in shifts; Bucky knows he's not wrong, but neither he nor Steve can do it, and after a while Sam stops trying to convince them. Natasha sits with him for a while, her eyes dark with concern. They don't say much, but there's no need to.

A Snowcat is parked outside the door of the facility when they land. Bucky's jaw sets in hard lines at the sight of it, and he trades a look with Steve.

They're already here.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

"Don't say that anywhere outside this room." It's low and tight and nearly vibrating with tension, and as he hears himself he can't sit still. Bucky comes to his feet in a controlled surge and moves out into the center of the room, needing space around him.

"Two reasons. One, the fewer people who know about that injection, the formula Zemo used, the better. Two..."

He spins to face Steve, needing him to understand. "We can't use her that way. We can't. She's already at risk of losing her career for 'fraternization with the enemy,' because of me. Ross can clear her of this, it'd be the right thing to do so he will, I think, but we can't tie her fate to mine any more than it already is."

His voice is rising, even while he tries to keep it under control. "You think there wouldn't be people who suggested she did it on purpose? That she was working with Zemo all along? Bullshit. Bullshit. But they would. We - I - I can't do that to her. I won't--"

As the last word escapes him, as its meaning strikes into his own mind, he chokes on the rest of what he was going to say. Bucky staggers, bracing himself with one hand against the back of the couch, and fights to breathe his way through it, telling himself it's for someone else's protection and not his own will, trying to convince his own mind to let him free of its chains.

[marvel_npc]

"Hey, hey – "

Steve sets his coffee down and gets to his feet, coming to put a hand on Bucky's back and another on his side. "It's okay, Buck. Just breathe."

He runs his palm over Bucky's back, hating the tension in his muscles. It's like trying to soothe sheet metal.

[nerves_of_ice]

He throws his head back, the cords in his neck standing out, and sucks in one ragged breath after another.

Slowly, slowly, the spiral stops twisting his body and mind, its claws loosening as he tells himself over and over that it's not him, that it's to protect Sharon - as he seizes on Steve telling him it's okay and uses that to convince himself that it's not his decision.

It's hard, because he knows it's a lie, and worse, he knows that it's a reinforcing behavior... but he doesn't know what else to do.

[marvel_npc]

Steve keeps murmuring reassurances, keeps his hand warm and steady on Bucky's back and side.

This isn't just Bucky getting upset. It's something else entirely.

But he doesn't ask about it yet, just tries to give Bucky a ladder so he can claw himself back out of whatever's happening to him.

[nerves_of_ice]

He draws a deep, slow breath, followed by another, as the storm passes, then glances over at Steve.

"Sorry," he says, wearily.

[marvel_npc]

Steve shakes his head and coaxes Bucky to stand, keeping a steady hand on him the whole time.

"Are you okay?" he asks. "What happened?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"I'm fine," he reassures him. Bucky straightens and doesn't pull away from Steve's support - for both their sakes.

"Just pushed it too far, is all."

[marvel_npc]

Steve shakes his head, skeptical – fine isn't how he'd describe what just happened.

"Pushed what too far?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He lets out a long, slow sigh. "You're not going to like it," Bucky warns him. "It's another part of the programming."

[marvel_npc]

"Don't worry about that."

He adds some gentle pressure to the hand at Bucky's back, coaxing him back to the chair. "Sit down. Talk to me."

[nerves_of_ice]

He lets himself be guided without resistance. Bucky sits down and gives Steve a somewhat helpless look.

“I don’t know how to make it easier for you to hear,” he says, bleakly. “So I’m just going to say it. They conditioned me to not be able to want things. Express preferences of my own. That kind of thing. You see, I was a weapon. Weapons are tools. Tools don’t have wants. Or needs. ”

[marvel_npc]

He allows himself a moment to feel the breath-taking wave of sick fury that floods through him, his fingers clenching on his knees.

(They have to find a way. Tony can do it. He promised not to ask, and he won't, but Tony's already thinking about it, isn't he?)

"So making a decision like that," he says, slowly, forcing down the pain and horror. It won't help, and it'll only make Bucky feel worse if he rages helplessly against something that's already happened. "It goes against the conditioning."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I've found ways around it," he says, gently. Steve doesn't need to worry about this. He doesn't. "Still looking for others. Practicing with little things. It's harder when it's high-stakes. But no, where I screwed up was trying to ..."

Careful, careful speech, testing each word as he continues. "Trying to say something I w-- something for me. Not for ... others."

[marvel_npc]

Steve, with no idea that his attempt at looking calmly understanding does nothing to relieve the stricken agony in his face, nods.

"Okay," he says. It's not, but it's information he needs. Information they can work with. It's a start. "I'll remember. I won't push you on it, Buck."

He huffs a long, rueful breath. "But you know it's not going to stop me – or Sharon, or the others – from wanting things for you, right?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"I know." The pain in Steve's expression causes an answering twist deep in his chest. He reaches out to put one hand on Steve's arm, and holds on.

"It's okay," he says, softly. "You didn't hurt me. You won't. It's okay, Steve."

[marvel_npc]

"Like hell it is."

He puts his hand over Bucky's and squeezes his friend's fingers. "You're not a weapon. You're a person. My best friend. And you deserve to want things like anyone else in this world."

[nerves_of_ice]

He gives him a small, unconsciously sweet smile.

"I'm getting better at it. I promise. I've been practicing."

[marvel_npc]

Steve can't help but smile back, even as his chest aches.

"Baby steps," he says. "Is there a way I can help?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"You already are." Bucky squeezes his arm, trying to reassure. "Don't worry, Steve."

[marvel_npc]

Steve gives him a disbelieving glance.

"Come on," he says, as lightly as possible. "Worrying about you is my prerogative. I've got a lot of years of it to make up for."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I get that, but let's not make it your full time job, okay?" he tosses back, matching Steve's tone with a teasing one of his own. "You've got other stuff to worry about. Don't think I'm not going to keep an eye on you when it comes to that, too, Rogers."

[marvel_npc]

"Fine by me," Steve says, reaching for his coffee once more.

"Especially if it means you'll stick around."

[nerves_of_ice]

Which brings them back to where they started this conversation. Bucky gives him a wry look and goes to get himself a refill.

"We'll see," he says, unable to promise anything more, and unwilling to lie to Steve. "One thing at a time."

[marvel_npc]

"One step at a time."

He gets up to refill his own mug, glancing at the clock on the kitchenette microwave as he does. "If we're going to be at the Center by nine, we might want to get Sharon up soon, meet up with the others."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Sounds like a plan. I--"

He breaks off there as a knock sounds at the suite door. Bucky trades a glance with Steve and goes to open it, as he's closer. He cracks the door enough to catch sight of who's on the other side, then pulls it all the way open and stands to the side as Natasha breezes in, carrying a garment bag.

"Nice to see you're awake," she greets them both. "Good morning. Where's Sharon?"