[Virginia AU] to unravel a torment you must begin somewhere

[nerves_of_ice]

I need to think, he'd told Sharon, and it's true all the way down to his bones. The problem is that he's having trouble doing it. After he spends the next half hour jumping at shadows, he considers going down into the tunnels for a while, but reluctantly decides against it. There's a five-kilometer trail on the grounds that he's run a couple of times. It'll do for a test, to see if the agents are going to have either a singular or a collective fit at his being out of the compound proper. Bucky goes straight from the garage's back exit to the nearest point, strips his jacket and leaves it on the ground, then settles into an easy lope.

By the third circuit, his mind's clear enough for him to start mulling over a few things, clear enough for him to look at the events of the last day or so in a new light. No wonder he'd had something like a - he doesn't even know how to describe it, the whirlwind of shock and fear and hurt and near-panic and desperation that he's been feeling. A spiral, maybe, but in the end the term doesn't matter, it's the reason, and when he really lets himself think about it, it doesn't take a genius or a scientist to be able to pinpoint it. All three of the people he's closest to in the world, the ones who know him best, had deceived him - or, to be fair, had let him deceive himself. And as a result, all three - Sharon more than the others, but Steve and Natasha as well - had taken harm or have been placed at still-great risk of harm, harm he's desperate to defend them from somehow. When he looks at it that way, it's really no wonder why he's reacting as he is. It's also obvious to him that he can't allow it to continue.

Bucky sets his jaw in tight, grim lines, and keeps running.

Three hours later, he makes his way back inside, absently mopping the sweat from his face and neck with the discarded jacket, and goes to find Hogan. "Windows," he tells him. Whether or not he'll leave them uncovered doesn't matter, not now. "Lots of windows. Somewhere high, not too near people. Furnished however you do as standard's fine for now. Okay?"

"I've got just the one," Hogan tells him. "I'll have it ready tomorrow. That soon enough?"

"Yes," Bucky assures him. "Thanks."

He stays with Steve again that night. Things are a little strained at first, until Bucky breaks the ice and apologizes for how he's been reacting. Steve doesn't want his apology, but his best friend listens while he tries to explain, and that's more than good enough.

Later that evening, he texts Natasha to suggest they catch up soon, and offers to bring cocoa, hoping the idea'll amuse her enough for her to realize he's not angry. Not any more. He texts Alyona a picture of Steve's bike, one of the ones he'd taken hanging upside-down, just to say hi, and texts Sharon a good-night wish.

He doesn't sleep much, due to the incessant nightmares, but at least he knows the reason for them. It helps.

The coffee's already made when Steve gets up, and conversation's a lot more relaxed. He's the first to ask about getting on the training schedule, and Steve's smile lights up the room.

By 8:57 AM, Bucky's waiting in the same conference room as the day before, a mug of black coffee at hand, and a blank notepad and pen on the table in front of him.

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[nerves_of_ice]

“Hey.” He comes up behind her and puts his arms around her waist. “You’ll figure it out. I know you will,” he murmurs into her hair.

[from_the_outside]

She slows down and leans slightly back against him, but she's still frustrated.

"Maybe," she mutters, darkly. "I've had so much free time on my hands lately, I figured I may as well give it a shot."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky kisses her cheek. “It already looks better than the one we tried the first time,” he reminds her. “Of course, that could be because you didn’t have me mucking things up.”

[from_the_outside]

"If anything, this proves I'm the one who screwed things up," she points out, though she presents her cheek, a little sulky, for his kiss. "I'm the common denominator."

She leans her head against his. "There's some bread over on the other counter."

[nerves_of_ice]

“Hey,” he says again, more firmly. “No. It doesn’t.”

He kisses her cheek again. “I’ll get it in a second.”

[from_the_outside]

She looks dubious, but leans back against him, lifting her hands from the counter and settling them over his. "If you say so."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I do.” He breathes her in, feeling her warmth against him, holding her close.

“Just stay here with me for a minute?”

[from_the_outside]

She nods, her hair soft against his cheek, and closes her eyes. He breathes and her body shifts with each rise and fall of his chest.

"Still mad at me?" she murmurs, after a few moments. He deserves to be, certainly.

[nerves_of_ice]

“No.” His embrace tightens a little. “I was just upset because - it was all of you.”

[from_the_outside]

She wraps her arms around his, coaxing him to hold her even closer. "I'm sorry," she murmurs.

It was all of you. Her, Steve, Nat – all the people he trusts most, the ones he's closest to. "I won't do it again, baby. I promise."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I believe you.” He turns his face into her hair and draws in her scent, letting himself breathe, just breathe.

“I’m sorry I lashed out. I just… everything I thought I knew was suddenly wrong, or that’s how it felt. I couldn’t think straight. Nothing - everything was a risk, was at risk, and I didn’t know what to do.”

[from_the_outside]

"It's okay," she murmurs. God knows she deserved it.

He presses his face into her hair and speaks softly, and she aches all over again, for wrecking the quiet belief he'd had during those days in Virginia, when he talked about a possible future for the first time, even if it was a cautious approach. "How do you feel now?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“It helps that I figured out what had me panicked,” he murmurs. “I’ve got a handle on it now. It’s okay. I’m okay.”

[from_the_outside]

She leans her head against his and curls her fingers around the back of his hand.

"Really okay?" she asks. "Or okay enough?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Probably somewhere in between,” he admits. “But I’m working on it.”

[from_the_outside]

That's something. She remembers a time when he wouldn't have admitted even that much, and it wasn't so long ago.

"How can I help?" she murmurs, feeling him breathe against her back, marveling all over again that he's here with her, not all the way across the Atlantic.

[nerves_of_ice]

“You already are.” He presses a kiss to her hair, then loosens his hold a little so she can turn around if she wants.

[from_the_outside]

She turns in his arms to face him, settling her hands lightly on his shoulders so she can look up at him.

"You should eat something," she says, practical, but she doesn't move to let go of him or to ask him to let go of her.

[nerves_of_ice]

“You’re probably right,” he says, right before bending down to give her a deep, passionate kiss.

[from_the_outside]

Her arms go around his neck in an instant and she presses herself against him, returning his kiss with all the desire built up over the last lonely week.

She missed him so much. It shouldn't be possible to miss someone she's known for such a short time that much. But it's not that short of a time, not really. In some ways, she's known him forever.

[nerves_of_ice]

The low sound he makes is practically ripped from him. It’s accompanied by a full-body shudder in the instant before he sets his hands at her waist and lifts her up to sit on her kitchen counter, shoving everything on it to the side.

Bucky kisses her again and again as his hands roam over her back, her shoulders, then down to her hips.

[from_the_outside]

His hands feel utterly, impossibly good as they stroke over her, and she lets her own roam the same way: running along his arms and back and shoulders, raking up into his hair and gripping there the way she knows he loves.

She wraps her legs around his waist and pulls him closer, not wanting an inch of air to exist between them. There's been enough space already.

[nerves_of_ice]

He groans aloud as she pulls his hair and uses his hold on her hips to shift her against him, then wraps his arms around her and kisses her again, and again, and again.

"Sharon," he whispers. "Sharon."

[from_the_outside]

She shivers at the groan that tugs out of him and at the way he says her name, and kisses him back, feverish and wanting. "Bucky," she murmurs back to him.

"Bucky, Bucky. I missed you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I missed you too," he breathes. "So much. I was -- never mind. Never mind. Not now." He kisses her again, then hooks one finger in the collar of her shirt, tugging it away from her throat as he starts tracing the line of her pulse with his kisses.