[Virginia AU] to unravel a torment you must begin somewhere

[nerves_of_ice]

I need to think, he'd told Sharon, and it's true all the way down to his bones. The problem is that he's having trouble doing it. After he spends the next half hour jumping at shadows, he considers going down into the tunnels for a while, but reluctantly decides against it. There's a five-kilometer trail on the grounds that he's run a couple of times. It'll do for a test, to see if the agents are going to have either a singular or a collective fit at his being out of the compound proper. Bucky goes straight from the garage's back exit to the nearest point, strips his jacket and leaves it on the ground, then settles into an easy lope.

By the third circuit, his mind's clear enough for him to start mulling over a few things, clear enough for him to look at the events of the last day or so in a new light. No wonder he'd had something like a - he doesn't even know how to describe it, the whirlwind of shock and fear and hurt and near-panic and desperation that he's been feeling. A spiral, maybe, but in the end the term doesn't matter, it's the reason, and when he really lets himself think about it, it doesn't take a genius or a scientist to be able to pinpoint it. All three of the people he's closest to in the world, the ones who know him best, had deceived him - or, to be fair, had let him deceive himself. And as a result, all three - Sharon more than the others, but Steve and Natasha as well - had taken harm or have been placed at still-great risk of harm, harm he's desperate to defend them from somehow. When he looks at it that way, it's really no wonder why he's reacting as he is. It's also obvious to him that he can't allow it to continue.

Bucky sets his jaw in tight, grim lines, and keeps running.

Three hours later, he makes his way back inside, absently mopping the sweat from his face and neck with the discarded jacket, and goes to find Hogan. "Windows," he tells him. Whether or not he'll leave them uncovered doesn't matter, not now. "Lots of windows. Somewhere high, not too near people. Furnished however you do as standard's fine for now. Okay?"

"I've got just the one," Hogan tells him. "I'll have it ready tomorrow. That soon enough?"

"Yes," Bucky assures him. "Thanks."

He stays with Steve again that night. Things are a little strained at first, until Bucky breaks the ice and apologizes for how he's been reacting. Steve doesn't want his apology, but his best friend listens while he tries to explain, and that's more than good enough.

Later that evening, he texts Natasha to suggest they catch up soon, and offers to bring cocoa, hoping the idea'll amuse her enough for her to realize he's not angry. Not any more. He texts Alyona a picture of Steve's bike, one of the ones he'd taken hanging upside-down, just to say hi, and texts Sharon a good-night wish.

He doesn't sleep much, due to the incessant nightmares, but at least he knows the reason for them. It helps.

The coffee's already made when Steve gets up, and conversation's a lot more relaxed. He's the first to ask about getting on the training schedule, and Steve's smile lights up the room.

By 8:57 AM, Bucky's waiting in the same conference room as the day before, a mug of black coffee at hand, and a blank notepad and pen on the table in front of him.

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[from_the_outside]

“That’s kind of sweet,” Sharon says, amused.

“Not everyone gets their very own overprotective super-soldier.”

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky gives her a very, very skeptical look. “I know you didn’t just suggest that I have something - else - in common with Alexei Shostakov.”

[from_the_outside]

“Oh, no,” she grins. Her back shakes with suppressed amusement beneath his hands. “Teasing you definitely doesn’t sound like something I’d do.”

[nerves_of_ice]

He growls at her and rolls them over, then kisses her down into the pillow.

[from_the_outside]

She giggles into his kiss and runs her fingers up into his hair, her body warm and pliant under his.

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky kisses her again, then shifts to lean on his elbow and looks down at her.

“Maybe I should make sure you meet him, too.”

[from_the_outside]

“You wouldn’t,” she laughs, and pushes up to peck a quick kiss against his lips before lying back on the pillow. “Do I deserve that?”

[nerves_of_ice]

He pretends to consider. “Probably not.”

Bucky looks back down at her. “But it might happen anyway. Given who he is to Natasha.”

[from_the_outside]

"Well, you can't choose your parents," Sharon points out.

"Sometimes a Russian spy organization chooses them for you."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky makes an exasperated face at her. “No wonder you and Natasha are friends.”

[from_the_outside]

She grins at him. "Please, you love it."

Or tolerates it, at least, which used to be the best she could hope for. That's the Sharon Carter special.

[nerves_of_ice]

“I do,” he admits, without hesitation. Bucky runs his fingers through her hair and lets his hand drop.

[from_the_outside]

She tips her head into his touch and smiles at him, then lifts her eyebrows. "By the way, don't think I've forgotten you haven't eaten anything yet. How about a midnight snack, before we fall asleep here and leave all that stuff out on the counter?"

[nerves_of_ice]

This time he laughs. “Okay, sweetheart. I’m in your hands.”

[from_the_outside]

"I learned from the best." She's not a natural caretaker the way he is, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to try. How did he put it before? She wants to be someone he can depend on. Even for the little things.

She leans up to kiss him again, then shifts to roll him gently off her so she can get up, unselfconscious in her bare skin. "I can bring it in here, you don't even need to get up."

[nerves_of_ice]

He pauses as he’s starting to roll out of bed on his side and looks carefully at her. A slow, sweet smile curves his mouth. “Okay.”

[from_the_outside]

Wait, that worked?

She looks at him in undisguised delight, beyond pleased to finally be able to do the kind of things for him that he's done for her on a regular basis. "Back in a jiff," she promises, and heads through the door with a flick of blonde hair over her bare shoulders.

[nerves_of_ice]

That look on her face makes him want to give her the world. Bucky makes himself settle back into the bed - and then promptly shifts around to fluff the pillows for her and smooth the sheets.

[from_the_outside]

In the kitchen, Sharon digs out the tray she uses when she's snacking while working on the couch, and loads it up with a plate of fruit and cheese, eschewing the bread. Their wine is warm; she dumps it out and refills the glasses fresh and adds two glasses of water before lifting the whole tray and making her way back to the bedroom. "Here we go."

[nerves_of_ice]

“Here,” he offers, reaching to take it from her while she climbs back in. “Thanks, baby.”

[from_the_outside]

"You're welcome."

She settles back in next to him, her pillow at her back, and pats the blanket between them. "Put it here," she suggests. "And try some of this cheese. It's local and it's amazing."

[nerves_of_ice]

“Oh?” He sets the tray down where she shows him and picks up a piece of cheese to hold it to her lips, his small smile teasing and warm.

[from_the_outside]

She laughs and takes a small bite, then lifts her hand to his wrist to guide the rest of the piece to his own mouth.

[nerves_of_ice]

He lets her, accepting the bite with a kiss to her fingertips.

[from_the_outside]

She reaches for her glass of wine but doesn't sip it yet, watching him with warm, eager eyes for his opinion. "Good, right?"