[Virginia AU] to unravel a torment you must begin somewhere

[nerves_of_ice]

I need to think, he'd told Sharon, and it's true all the way down to his bones. The problem is that he's having trouble doing it. After he spends the next half hour jumping at shadows, he considers going down into the tunnels for a while, but reluctantly decides against it. There's a five-kilometer trail on the grounds that he's run a couple of times. It'll do for a test, to see if the agents are going to have either a singular or a collective fit at his being out of the compound proper. Bucky goes straight from the garage's back exit to the nearest point, strips his jacket and leaves it on the ground, then settles into an easy lope.

By the third circuit, his mind's clear enough for him to start mulling over a few things, clear enough for him to look at the events of the last day or so in a new light. No wonder he'd had something like a - he doesn't even know how to describe it, the whirlwind of shock and fear and hurt and near-panic and desperation that he's been feeling. A spiral, maybe, but in the end the term doesn't matter, it's the reason, and when he really lets himself think about it, it doesn't take a genius or a scientist to be able to pinpoint it. All three of the people he's closest to in the world, the ones who know him best, had deceived him - or, to be fair, had let him deceive himself. And as a result, all three - Sharon more than the others, but Steve and Natasha as well - had taken harm or have been placed at still-great risk of harm, harm he's desperate to defend them from somehow. When he looks at it that way, it's really no wonder why he's reacting as he is. It's also obvious to him that he can't allow it to continue.

Bucky sets his jaw in tight, grim lines, and keeps running.

Three hours later, he makes his way back inside, absently mopping the sweat from his face and neck with the discarded jacket, and goes to find Hogan. "Windows," he tells him. Whether or not he'll leave them uncovered doesn't matter, not now. "Lots of windows. Somewhere high, not too near people. Furnished however you do as standard's fine for now. Okay?"

"I've got just the one," Hogan tells him. "I'll have it ready tomorrow. That soon enough?"

"Yes," Bucky assures him. "Thanks."

He stays with Steve again that night. Things are a little strained at first, until Bucky breaks the ice and apologizes for how he's been reacting. Steve doesn't want his apology, but his best friend listens while he tries to explain, and that's more than good enough.

Later that evening, he texts Natasha to suggest they catch up soon, and offers to bring cocoa, hoping the idea'll amuse her enough for her to realize he's not angry. Not any more. He texts Alyona a picture of Steve's bike, one of the ones he'd taken hanging upside-down, just to say hi, and texts Sharon a good-night wish.

He doesn't sleep much, due to the incessant nightmares, but at least he knows the reason for them. It helps.

The coffee's already made when Steve gets up, and conversation's a lot more relaxed. He's the first to ask about getting on the training schedule, and Steve's smile lights up the room.

By 8:57 AM, Bucky's waiting in the same conference room as the day before, a mug of black coffee at hand, and a blank notepad and pen on the table in front of him.

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[from_the_outside]

Wait, that worked?

She looks at him in undisguised delight, beyond pleased to finally be able to do the kind of things for him that he's done for her on a regular basis. "Back in a jiff," she promises, and heads through the door with a flick of blonde hair over her bare shoulders.

[nerves_of_ice]

That look on her face makes him want to give her the world. Bucky makes himself settle back into the bed - and then promptly shifts around to fluff the pillows for her and smooth the sheets.

[from_the_outside]

In the kitchen, Sharon digs out the tray she uses when she's snacking while working on the couch, and loads it up with a plate of fruit and cheese, eschewing the bread. Their wine is warm; she dumps it out and refills the glasses fresh and adds two glasses of water before lifting the whole tray and making her way back to the bedroom. "Here we go."

[nerves_of_ice]

“Here,” he offers, reaching to take it from her while she climbs back in. “Thanks, baby.”

[from_the_outside]

"You're welcome."

She settles back in next to him, her pillow at her back, and pats the blanket between them. "Put it here," she suggests. "And try some of this cheese. It's local and it's amazing."

[nerves_of_ice]

“Oh?” He sets the tray down where she shows him and picks up a piece of cheese to hold it to her lips, his small smile teasing and warm.

[from_the_outside]

She laughs and takes a small bite, then lifts her hand to his wrist to guide the rest of the piece to his own mouth.

[nerves_of_ice]

He lets her, accepting the bite with a kiss to her fingertips.

[from_the_outside]

She reaches for her glass of wine but doesn't sip it yet, watching him with warm, eager eyes for his opinion. "Good, right?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Very good.” He leans in to give her a gentle kiss. “Thank you.”

[from_the_outside]

She smiles, pleased, and accepts his kiss before turning the plate so the fruit is a little closer to him, encouraging. "Have some more," she coaxes, and sips at her wine.

"What time will you go see Ross tomorrow?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Depends on what time Riley calls,” he says. “I figured by nine latest. Hopefully he gets to Berlin at a decent hour.”

[from_the_outside]

"Okay."

She picks up a slice of apricot and takes a bite, considering him. "I know you're not Ross's biggest fan right now," she points out. "But he's a good man. And a good boss. Try not to give him too hard of a time, okay?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“I don’t like that he punished you for giving me permission to leave without you and then turned around and gave Nilsson the authority to make the same damn decision,” he says, very precisely. “But I respect your opinion and I appreciate what he did today, so I’ll behave.”

[from_the_outside]

"My parameters were different than the ones he gave Nilsson and Riley," she points out. "We hadn't renegotiated the original terms yet. And he was going to recall me anyway, baby. He's got some new assignment he wants me on as soon as my suspension's up."

[nerves_of_ice]

“We knew the recall was coming,” he agrees. “And I’m glad to hear about your new assignment. But I still think it’s bullshit he suspended you for making a judgment call.”

[from_the_outside]

She smiles at him and his stubbornness. "My loyal sweetheart," she murmurs, and reaches to run her fingers over his hair. "I appreciate the support. And I'm curious to know what you think of him, after you meet. You have good instincts about people."

When he lets himself get past his initial suspicions, anyway.

[nerves_of_ice]

“I’ll let you know,” he promises, tipping his head into her touch. “And like I said… I’ll behave.”

[from_the_outside]

"Thank you," she murmurs, and reaches down to pick up a piece of fruit, holding it to his lips with a smile. "Now, eat up."

[nerves_of_ice]

Impossibly charmed, he lets her feed him the fruit, then cups her face with his hand.

“Taking care of me, baby?”

[from_the_outside]

"Maybe."

She turns her head to press a kiss into his palm. "Do you mind?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“No,” he assures her, softly. “I don’t.” Carefully, making sure he can say the words, he adds, “I like it.”

[from_the_outside]

It's dim in here, but her smile shines as brightly as her lamps ever could.

"Good," she tells him, and reaches for the other glass of wine, handing it to him. "I like it, too."

[nerves_of_ice]

He smiles at that and touches his glass to hers before taking a sip.

Maybe if he lets her take care of him sometimes, she won’t mind him doing so more for her.

[from_the_outside]

The soft chime of glass touching glass sounds before she sips at her own wine. She puts her glass down and busies herself with arranging a piece of fruit and some soft blue cheese, then hands it to him to try.