[Virginia AU] to unravel a torment you must begin somewhere

[nerves_of_ice]

I need to think, he'd told Sharon, and it's true all the way down to his bones. The problem is that he's having trouble doing it. After he spends the next half hour jumping at shadows, he considers going down into the tunnels for a while, but reluctantly decides against it. There's a five-kilometer trail on the grounds that he's run a couple of times. It'll do for a test, to see if the agents are going to have either a singular or a collective fit at his being out of the compound proper. Bucky goes straight from the garage's back exit to the nearest point, strips his jacket and leaves it on the ground, then settles into an easy lope.

By the third circuit, his mind's clear enough for him to start mulling over a few things, clear enough for him to look at the events of the last day or so in a new light. No wonder he'd had something like a - he doesn't even know how to describe it, the whirlwind of shock and fear and hurt and near-panic and desperation that he's been feeling. A spiral, maybe, but in the end the term doesn't matter, it's the reason, and when he really lets himself think about it, it doesn't take a genius or a scientist to be able to pinpoint it. All three of the people he's closest to in the world, the ones who know him best, had deceived him - or, to be fair, had let him deceive himself. And as a result, all three - Sharon more than the others, but Steve and Natasha as well - had taken harm or have been placed at still-great risk of harm, harm he's desperate to defend them from somehow. When he looks at it that way, it's really no wonder why he's reacting as he is. It's also obvious to him that he can't allow it to continue.

Bucky sets his jaw in tight, grim lines, and keeps running.

Three hours later, he makes his way back inside, absently mopping the sweat from his face and neck with the discarded jacket, and goes to find Hogan. "Windows," he tells him. Whether or not he'll leave them uncovered doesn't matter, not now. "Lots of windows. Somewhere high, not too near people. Furnished however you do as standard's fine for now. Okay?"

"I've got just the one," Hogan tells him. "I'll have it ready tomorrow. That soon enough?"

"Yes," Bucky assures him. "Thanks."

He stays with Steve again that night. Things are a little strained at first, until Bucky breaks the ice and apologizes for how he's been reacting. Steve doesn't want his apology, but his best friend listens while he tries to explain, and that's more than good enough.

Later that evening, he texts Natasha to suggest they catch up soon, and offers to bring cocoa, hoping the idea'll amuse her enough for her to realize he's not angry. Not any more. He texts Alyona a picture of Steve's bike, one of the ones he'd taken hanging upside-down, just to say hi, and texts Sharon a good-night wish.

He doesn't sleep much, due to the incessant nightmares, but at least he knows the reason for them. It helps.

The coffee's already made when Steve gets up, and conversation's a lot more relaxed. He's the first to ask about getting on the training schedule, and Steve's smile lights up the room.

By 8:57 AM, Bucky's waiting in the same conference room as the day before, a mug of black coffee at hand, and a blank notepad and pen on the table in front of him.

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[nerves_of_ice]

At that look in her eyes, he sets his glass aside and reaches to cradle her face.

“I’ll never hurt you like that again,” he whispers. “Never.”

[from_the_outside]

"I'm not worried about that," she tells him, and she means it. She hopes nothing like it ever happens again, but if it does...

Well, she'll deal with it then. Still, her eyes are dark and worried as she looks at him. "You said 'as long as it holds.' Do you think there's a chance it might not?"

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky shakes his head. “It was just something Ross said. He seemed to think it can be broken.”

[from_the_outside]

It might be just a way to get under Bucky's skin, a lie he knew Bucky would latch onto.

But she has to wonder if he knows something they don't. "What does Tony say?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Haven’t talked to him about it. He’s focusing on the next part, the removal.”

Bucky studies her carefully. “Sharon. Don’t worry. It’s going to be okay.”

[from_the_outside]

It might be. But she's not willing to leave it up to chance.

"He should know what the Secretary's threatening," she murmurs. "Have Riley talk to him about it, okay?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“I will.” He keeps searching her face, looking for any sign that she’s nervous or scared. “First thing.”

[from_the_outside]

"Thank you."

Her smile flickers into life again, there and gone, a wry shadow. "Somehow I feel like Tony won't be happy to hear the Secretary wants to mess with his work."

[nerves_of_ice]

“Probably not.” He reaches out to brush her hair back over her shoulder.

“But it doesn’t matter right now. Does it?”

[from_the_outside]

"No," she agrees. "Not right now."

There's no one trying to get to him right now, no one who'd press and push and try to rip the block away.

[nerves_of_ice]

“Then come here.” He holds out his arms to her.

[from_the_outside]

She huffs a laugh and comes into his arms, pushing the tray down towards their feet.

"Always," she promises. "I'll always come to you."

[nerves_of_ice]

He draws her close, cradling her against him.

[from_the_outside]

She leans her head against his shoulder, lets her eyes close. "You should get some rest," she murmurs, resting her hand over his where his arm is wrapped around her waist.

"Big day tomorrow."

[nerves_of_ice]

“Rest with me,” he suggests. “As long as we can.”

[from_the_outside]

"Let me clear this away," she murmurs, nodding to the tray. "And I will. Okay?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Okay,” he murmurs. “Can I help?”

[from_the_outside]

She shakes her head and leans up to kiss the underside of his jaw. "I'll be right back," she promises, and pushes her way out of the bed to retrieve the tray, taking it to the kitchen.

Tomorrow morning will be soon enough to clean it up. She leaves the tray by the sink and returns to him, moving confidently in the dark as she switches off the lights.

[nerves_of_ice]

He draws her in, pulling her close to him and tucking his face into the curve of her neck.

“Sleepy?” he murmurs.

[from_the_outside]

"Yes," she tells him, a smile in her voice. She turns her head to kiss his hair. "Are you?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Hmm.” He breathes in, breathes out. “Enough,” he decides.

[from_the_outside]

"Sleep, baby," she murmurs. She lifts her arm to curl around him, holding him close, letting him rest on her the way she's rested on him so many times.

"I'll be right here with you."

[nerves_of_ice]

“Good.” He holds her a little closer, just for a moment. “Stay.”

[from_the_outside]

"I will." She's not leaving him behind again. And now maybe he can stay, too. For a little while.

Sharon turns to press her face into his hair, closing her eyes as she breathes him in. "Good night, sweetheart."

[nerves_of_ice]

“Good night,” he whispers back. Bucky holds her close, shuts his eyes, and hopes that tonight the nightmares will leave them in peace.