[Virginia AU] to unravel a torment you must begin somewhere

[nerves_of_ice]

I need to think, he'd told Sharon, and it's true all the way down to his bones. The problem is that he's having trouble doing it. After he spends the next half hour jumping at shadows, he considers going down into the tunnels for a while, but reluctantly decides against it. There's a five-kilometer trail on the grounds that he's run a couple of times. It'll do for a test, to see if the agents are going to have either a singular or a collective fit at his being out of the compound proper. Bucky goes straight from the garage's back exit to the nearest point, strips his jacket and leaves it on the ground, then settles into an easy lope.

By the third circuit, his mind's clear enough for him to start mulling over a few things, clear enough for him to look at the events of the last day or so in a new light. No wonder he'd had something like a - he doesn't even know how to describe it, the whirlwind of shock and fear and hurt and near-panic and desperation that he's been feeling. A spiral, maybe, but in the end the term doesn't matter, it's the reason, and when he really lets himself think about it, it doesn't take a genius or a scientist to be able to pinpoint it. All three of the people he's closest to in the world, the ones who know him best, had deceived him - or, to be fair, had let him deceive himself. And as a result, all three - Sharon more than the others, but Steve and Natasha as well - had taken harm or have been placed at still-great risk of harm, harm he's desperate to defend them from somehow. When he looks at it that way, it's really no wonder why he's reacting as he is. It's also obvious to him that he can't allow it to continue.

Bucky sets his jaw in tight, grim lines, and keeps running.

Three hours later, he makes his way back inside, absently mopping the sweat from his face and neck with the discarded jacket, and goes to find Hogan. "Windows," he tells him. Whether or not he'll leave them uncovered doesn't matter, not now. "Lots of windows. Somewhere high, not too near people. Furnished however you do as standard's fine for now. Okay?"

"I've got just the one," Hogan tells him. "I'll have it ready tomorrow. That soon enough?"

"Yes," Bucky assures him. "Thanks."

He stays with Steve again that night. Things are a little strained at first, until Bucky breaks the ice and apologizes for how he's been reacting. Steve doesn't want his apology, but his best friend listens while he tries to explain, and that's more than good enough.

Later that evening, he texts Natasha to suggest they catch up soon, and offers to bring cocoa, hoping the idea'll amuse her enough for her to realize he's not angry. Not any more. He texts Alyona a picture of Steve's bike, one of the ones he'd taken hanging upside-down, just to say hi, and texts Sharon a good-night wish.

He doesn't sleep much, due to the incessant nightmares, but at least he knows the reason for them. It helps.

The coffee's already made when Steve gets up, and conversation's a lot more relaxed. He's the first to ask about getting on the training schedule, and Steve's smile lights up the room.

By 8:57 AM, Bucky's waiting in the same conference room as the day before, a mug of black coffee at hand, and a blank notepad and pen on the table in front of him.

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[nerves_of_ice]

“You said something about that,” he remembers. “I was worried you’d get in trouble.”

[from_the_outside]

"I would have," she agrees. "And I adore you, but I don't want to give up my career for you."

Despite how recklessly she's been acting. She wants to keep them both, if she can.

[nerves_of_ice]

“You shouldn’t.” Firmly said, even while everything in him stills and then trembles at her remark.

“Don’t throw your future away for me, baby. I mean it.”

[from_the_outside]

"I won't," she tells him, and presses a kiss to his chest. "I want you as part of my future."

[nerves_of_ice]

He slides both arms more tightly around her and just breathes for a second or two.

“What I was going to say before,” he murmurs, finally, “is that I was so excited to see you, after that last mission. To share everything that had happened with you.”

It had felt like coming home, or as close as he can imagine after all these years - with Steve at his side and Natasha too, and Alyona safe, and Sharon waiting, or so he’d thought.

[from_the_outside]

She reaches up to stroke his hair away from his face, as soothing as she can, while her heart aches and aches and aches. "I know," she murmurs. "I could hear it in your voice. You sounded so happy."

Miserable guilt is thick in her chest. She breathes through it as best she can. "I still want to hear it all."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I’ll tell you,” he promises, tipping his head into her touch.

“I still am. Happy.”

[from_the_outside]

"Good."

Her fingers stroke through his hair slowly, over and over, her thumb gentle over his temple and forehead. "I want to make you happy. I want you to be happy."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I am.” It’s soft, but clear. “You do.”

Bucky tilts his head a little, searching her face. “Do I? For you?”

[from_the_outside]

"Yes," she tells him, without hesitation or room for uncertainty. "You make me so happy, baby. More than I ever thought possible."

[nerves_of_ice]

He smiles at her, sweet and bright and completely unaware of how it lights his entire face.

“Good,” he murmurs.

[from_the_outside]

She smiles back at him, her heart so full and fragile in her chest she's aware for the first time how easily it could break. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there waiting for you," she murmurs.

"But you're here with me now. Why don't you tell me all about it?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“It’s okay.” He runs one hand up and down her back. “Where do you want me to start?”

[from_the_outside]

It's not okay, but she doesn't want to argue about it with him. She can't go back and make a different choice, so all she can do is move forward. "You were so excited to see Yelena," she remembers.

"You called her 'Alyona'. What was that like, when you finally did?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Alyona,” he repeats, with real warmth. “I did. She calls me Yasha, just so you know. Russian names - diminutives are affectionate. She’s just as much my little sister as if she’d been born that way.”

[from_the_outside]

"Yasha?"

She settles her chin on her forearm and watches him. "Is that short for James, somehow?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods. “You’ve noticed Natasha never calls me Bucky, right? It doesn’t work as a name in Russian. I was always James to her, once I was more than the Soldat, and to Alyona too.”

[from_the_outside]

"Mm."

She looks thoughtful. "I guess 'Sharon' doesn't really lend itself well to diminutives, either."

[nerves_of_ice]

“Do you want one?” He runs his hand up into her hair.

[from_the_outside]

"Maybe," she says, amused, and tips her head into his touch. "But tell me about Alyona."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I’ll think about it,” he promises, and keeps petting her hair.

“She’s pretty fierce. You’ll like her. She was pissed as hell at first, of course.”

[from_the_outside]

Sharon frowns at him.

"Why? Didn't she send the package?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“She did, but I guess she figured Natasha would just take it straight to Tony. And not that she’d bring it back, or me either.”

He blows out a breath. “She didn’t know Natasha thought she was free, Dreykov dead. All this time.”

[from_the_outside]

Her mouth parts in a soft 'o' of understanding. "But she wasn't."

She remembers that, from when he'd called to check in with her. "I remember Nat saying something like that before you left. She hadn't known Yelena had been with HYDRA."

[nerves_of_ice]

“She didn’t.” No hesitation, no uncertainty. “And I failed them both by not reaching out as soon as I was free.”