[Virginia AU] to unravel a torment you must begin somewhere

[nerves_of_ice]

I need to think, he'd told Sharon, and it's true all the way down to his bones. The problem is that he's having trouble doing it. After he spends the next half hour jumping at shadows, he considers going down into the tunnels for a while, but reluctantly decides against it. There's a five-kilometer trail on the grounds that he's run a couple of times. It'll do for a test, to see if the agents are going to have either a singular or a collective fit at his being out of the compound proper. Bucky goes straight from the garage's back exit to the nearest point, strips his jacket and leaves it on the ground, then settles into an easy lope.

By the third circuit, his mind's clear enough for him to start mulling over a few things, clear enough for him to look at the events of the last day or so in a new light. No wonder he'd had something like a - he doesn't even know how to describe it, the whirlwind of shock and fear and hurt and near-panic and desperation that he's been feeling. A spiral, maybe, but in the end the term doesn't matter, it's the reason, and when he really lets himself think about it, it doesn't take a genius or a scientist to be able to pinpoint it. All three of the people he's closest to in the world, the ones who know him best, had deceived him - or, to be fair, had let him deceive himself. And as a result, all three - Sharon more than the others, but Steve and Natasha as well - had taken harm or have been placed at still-great risk of harm, harm he's desperate to defend them from somehow. When he looks at it that way, it's really no wonder why he's reacting as he is. It's also obvious to him that he can't allow it to continue.

Bucky sets his jaw in tight, grim lines, and keeps running.

Three hours later, he makes his way back inside, absently mopping the sweat from his face and neck with the discarded jacket, and goes to find Hogan. "Windows," he tells him. Whether or not he'll leave them uncovered doesn't matter, not now. "Lots of windows. Somewhere high, not too near people. Furnished however you do as standard's fine for now. Okay?"

"I've got just the one," Hogan tells him. "I'll have it ready tomorrow. That soon enough?"

"Yes," Bucky assures him. "Thanks."

He stays with Steve again that night. Things are a little strained at first, until Bucky breaks the ice and apologizes for how he's been reacting. Steve doesn't want his apology, but his best friend listens while he tries to explain, and that's more than good enough.

Later that evening, he texts Natasha to suggest they catch up soon, and offers to bring cocoa, hoping the idea'll amuse her enough for her to realize he's not angry. Not any more. He texts Alyona a picture of Steve's bike, one of the ones he'd taken hanging upside-down, just to say hi, and texts Sharon a good-night wish.

He doesn't sleep much, due to the incessant nightmares, but at least he knows the reason for them. It helps.

The coffee's already made when Steve gets up, and conversation's a lot more relaxed. He's the first to ask about getting on the training schedule, and Steve's smile lights up the room.

By 8:57 AM, Bucky's waiting in the same conference room as the day before, a mug of black coffee at hand, and a blank notepad and pen on the table in front of him.

Comments

[from_the_outside]

"Either way," she says. "You weren't exactly in the best shape, yourself, then."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I wasn’t,” he admits. “And I didn’t know about the drug. But the result was the same, Sharon. We left her in hell. I left her there.”

He shakes his head, very slightly. “She’s got a big heart. We’re getting through it.”

[from_the_outside]

"You would have gotten her if you'd known," she tells him, with perfect belief. The sun sets in the west, the moon pulls the tides, and Bucky can't leave the people he cares about in trouble.

"I'm glad you're working it out." She smiles, slight. "Was it good to see her?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He smiles back. “Unbelievably good. I’m so proud of her.”

[from_the_outside]

"Yeah?"

It's a little weird to hear him refer to Nat's sister as his own, but they've been over all that before. Maybe not the part with Yelena, but enough for her to understand it. "She must be hell on wheels."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky laughs. “She sure is. I told you she jumped off the helicarrier, right?”

[from_the_outside]

Sharon laughs. "Yeah. Sounds like my kind of girl."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I can’t wait for you to meet her.” He smiles at the thought. “I’ll text her first thing in the morning to let her know I’m in Europe.”

[from_the_outside]

“Invite her over, if she’s in the area,” Sharon suggests. “I want to meet her, too.”

[nerves_of_ice]

“I will. I don’t know where she is— depends on where the other Widows are.”

He keeps running his hand up and down her back, almost absently.

[from_the_outside]

"If not now, sometime soon," she promises, and smiles at the way he pets her. "I can't believe you guys busted the Red Guardian out of a Russian supermax prison."

[nerves_of_ice]

He mutters something very uncomplimentary under his breath and nods. “Had to be done.”

[from_the_outside]

"Aw." She pats his chest, comforting. "Don't like him much, huh?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Natasha and Alyona do, and that’s what counts.”

He draws aimless patterns on her skin.

[from_the_outside]

"Well, that's family for you."

She shivers as he traces his fingers over her skin, and smiles at him. "What else? I know you told me the basics, but I'm sure there was a lot more going on."

[nerves_of_ice]

He chuckles. “I guess you could say that. Have you gotten the chance to talk to Natasha yet?”

[from_the_outside]

Her expression sobers, and she shakes her head. "Not really," she admits.

They'd talked, a little, but... "I think she feels bad about what happened."

[nerves_of_ice]

He grows still, searching her face. “You should call her,” he murmurs.

[from_the_outside]

"I will," she promises. "I don't want to push her, but I want her to know I don't blame her."

She props her chin back on her hand and looks at him. "How's she doing?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“She’s okay. It’s been a hell of a time for her, but having her family back… that’s worth a lot.”

He shakes his head. “She gave me some space until I got my head on straight. Talked with her a little before Ross showed up, though.”

[from_the_outside]

"I'm happy she found them again," Sharon murmurs.

It is worth a lot. It's worth everything they all did to make it possible. Still, she wouldn't be surprised if Nat decided to take a little time to go visit the Bartons after all this.

She traces patterns on his skin and smiles. "Good. I'm glad you guys are okay."

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods. “I’m not sure I’m ever going to be okay with Melina, but if Alyona can forgive her the least I can do is try.”

[from_the_outside]

“She’s working with Fury and Yelena to help the Widows, right?”

Sharon looks as skeptical as she sounds, but stranger things have happened. Only weeks ago, she would have said it would be impossible for Bucky and Tony Stark to be on the same team. “I guess we’ll see if she comes through.”

[nerves_of_ice]

“Right,” he confirms. “And Alexei’s ‘guarding’ her, I think. Or something.”

The image of Fury dealing with Alexei causes him to grin.

[from_the_outside]

“That’s kind of sweet,” Sharon says, amused.

“Not everyone gets their very own overprotective super-soldier.”