[Virginia AU] to unravel a torment you must begin somewhere

[nerves_of_ice]

I need to think, he'd told Sharon, and it's true all the way down to his bones. The problem is that he's having trouble doing it. After he spends the next half hour jumping at shadows, he considers going down into the tunnels for a while, but reluctantly decides against it. There's a five-kilometer trail on the grounds that he's run a couple of times. It'll do for a test, to see if the agents are going to have either a singular or a collective fit at his being out of the compound proper. Bucky goes straight from the garage's back exit to the nearest point, strips his jacket and leaves it on the ground, then settles into an easy lope.

By the third circuit, his mind's clear enough for him to start mulling over a few things, clear enough for him to look at the events of the last day or so in a new light. No wonder he'd had something like a - he doesn't even know how to describe it, the whirlwind of shock and fear and hurt and near-panic and desperation that he's been feeling. A spiral, maybe, but in the end the term doesn't matter, it's the reason, and when he really lets himself think about it, it doesn't take a genius or a scientist to be able to pinpoint it. All three of the people he's closest to in the world, the ones who know him best, had deceived him - or, to be fair, had let him deceive himself. And as a result, all three - Sharon more than the others, but Steve and Natasha as well - had taken harm or have been placed at still-great risk of harm, harm he's desperate to defend them from somehow. When he looks at it that way, it's really no wonder why he's reacting as he is. It's also obvious to him that he can't allow it to continue.

Bucky sets his jaw in tight, grim lines, and keeps running.

Three hours later, he makes his way back inside, absently mopping the sweat from his face and neck with the discarded jacket, and goes to find Hogan. "Windows," he tells him. Whether or not he'll leave them uncovered doesn't matter, not now. "Lots of windows. Somewhere high, not too near people. Furnished however you do as standard's fine for now. Okay?"

"I've got just the one," Hogan tells him. "I'll have it ready tomorrow. That soon enough?"

"Yes," Bucky assures him. "Thanks."

He stays with Steve again that night. Things are a little strained at first, until Bucky breaks the ice and apologizes for how he's been reacting. Steve doesn't want his apology, but his best friend listens while he tries to explain, and that's more than good enough.

Later that evening, he texts Natasha to suggest they catch up soon, and offers to bring cocoa, hoping the idea'll amuse her enough for her to realize he's not angry. Not any more. He texts Alyona a picture of Steve's bike, one of the ones he'd taken hanging upside-down, just to say hi, and texts Sharon a good-night wish.

He doesn't sleep much, due to the incessant nightmares, but at least he knows the reason for them. It helps.

The coffee's already made when Steve gets up, and conversation's a lot more relaxed. He's the first to ask about getting on the training schedule, and Steve's smile lights up the room.

By 8:57 AM, Bucky's waiting in the same conference room as the day before, a mug of black coffee at hand, and a blank notepad and pen on the table in front of him.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

He moans aloud as she tightens her fingers in his hair, and his hips jerk as he drives deep into her, over and over.

“Sharon, baby—-“

[from_the_outside]

“Yes,” she tells him, and tightens her fingers again as she kisses him, deep and desperate. She rocks her hips up and tightens around him, hoping to haul him with her over the rapidly approaching edge.

[nerves_of_ice]

He flicks his left thumb against her and slides his hand up to cup her breast, rolling her nipple between his fingers as he kisses her again, wilder and more passionate than before as his control begins to slip.

[from_the_outside]

It’s not quite to the way he lost control in the sunlight, out on the back lawn of the house in the mountains, but she can feel it when he begins to slip loose, when he moves faster and harder, as desperate for her as she is for him.

She groans as he touches her, her own fingers digging into his skin, leaving blunt half-circles. “Let go,” she murmurs, feeling her own pleasure cresting inside her. “I’ve got you.”

[nerves_of_ice]

Her soft words, the sensation of her nails against his skin, the way she tightens around him, it all combines to strip him of his ability to hold back. The cry that escapes him is raw and hoarse and wanting as his back arches and he plunges deep, white-fire ecstasy flashing through him like chain lightning.

[from_the_outside]

The raw sound he makes lights a quiet explosion in her belly, and she follows him over the edge as he presses into her, shivering, her own pleasure ripping through her like the wildfire he said they were. Her head pushes back into her pillow and her arms tighten around him as she shakes, until she’s loose and boneless and exhausted, looking up at him from a flushed face and a halo of messy golden hair.

[nerves_of_ice]

He gathers her in his arms, cradling her close and trying not to smother her under his weight. She’s missed and glowing and beautiful, and he feels his heart turn over inside him. Bucky kisses her lips, her cheek, then the tip of her nose before he smiles at her.

[from_the_outside]

She laughs as he kisses the tip of her nose, so sweetly, and smiles back up at him, everything she's feeling – adoration and delight and gratitude and so much more – warm and clear in her eyes as he holds her. "I missed you," she murmurs.

She said it before, but it bears repeating.

[nerves_of_ice]

“I missed you too,” he murmurs, and brushes her hair back from her face just to have the excuse to touch it. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner.”

[from_the_outside]

"It's okay."

Her voice is a soft whisper, and her eyes and lips both smile at him as he strokes her hair. "You had a lot going on."

She reaches up to run her own fingers gently over his hair. "I'm just glad you're here at all. And that you can stay, for a while."

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods. “I have to go back eventually,” he says, softly. “But not for a while. And the rest I’ll figure out. We’ll figure out,” he corrects himself.

[from_the_outside]

“We will,” she agrees. “But not tonight.”

All she wants to do tonight is fall asleep in his arms and wake up with him still here with her in the morning.

[nerves_of_ice]

“Not tonight,” he agrees, and presses a kiss to her shoulder.

[from_the_outside]

She puts her arms around him and holds him close, her eyes closing as her breath and heart rate come slowly back to normal, then turns her head to kiss his hair.

"There was something you were saying before," she remembers, after a long few moments of just relaxing with him. "But I don't remember what it was about."

[nerves_of_ice]

He thinks about it, and tenses, just a little, as he remembers. Bucky tries to cover by rolling to his side, then his back, bringing her with him.

“Probably not that important,” he says, lightly, running his fingers through her hair and over her back. “Mostly just that I missed you. A lot.”

[from_the_outside]

She lets him roll them over and relaxes over him like a blanket, but frowns a little at the tension she can feel in his muscles and the studiedly casual tone he's using. "I missed you, too," she murmurs. "So much. You don't know how close I came to just saying 'fuck it' and flying back."

[nerves_of_ice]

“You said something about that,” he remembers. “I was worried you’d get in trouble.”

[from_the_outside]

"I would have," she agrees. "And I adore you, but I don't want to give up my career for you."

Despite how recklessly she's been acting. She wants to keep them both, if she can.

[nerves_of_ice]

“You shouldn’t.” Firmly said, even while everything in him stills and then trembles at her remark.

“Don’t throw your future away for me, baby. I mean it.”

[from_the_outside]

"I won't," she tells him, and presses a kiss to his chest. "I want you as part of my future."

[nerves_of_ice]

He slides both arms more tightly around her and just breathes for a second or two.

“What I was going to say before,” he murmurs, finally, “is that I was so excited to see you, after that last mission. To share everything that had happened with you.”

It had felt like coming home, or as close as he can imagine after all these years - with Steve at his side and Natasha too, and Alyona safe, and Sharon waiting, or so he’d thought.

[from_the_outside]

She reaches up to stroke his hair away from his face, as soothing as she can, while her heart aches and aches and aches. "I know," she murmurs. "I could hear it in your voice. You sounded so happy."

Miserable guilt is thick in her chest. She breathes through it as best she can. "I still want to hear it all."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I’ll tell you,” he promises, tipping his head into her touch.

“I still am. Happy.”

[from_the_outside]

"Good."

Her fingers stroke through his hair slowly, over and over, her thumb gentle over his temple and forehead. "I want to make you happy. I want you to be happy."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I am.” It’s soft, but clear. “You do.”

Bucky tilts his head a little, searching her face. “Do I? For you?”