[WWII AU] a long-awaited mission

[nerves_of_ice]

He'd wondered what was up when Steve had asked him to join the strategy meeting with him and Colonel Phillips that morning, just after breakfast. His best friend had tried to keep it casual, given that the guys were around, but Bucky can still read him as easy as any book.

It had taken less than three minutes for him to realize, and a solid five hours for them to plan the details of the mission. They'd worked through lunch, and by the time he leaves officers' country, Bucky's nearly vibrating with excitement.

Zola. After all this time, they've finally got a lead on the son-of-a-bitch. And it's a good one. First Zola, then Schmidt, and then--

He doesn't let himself think about that yet. He can't. Bucky reminds himself to stay focused as he moves quickly along the hallways, heading for the weapons room.

They'll all be getting the official orders at the afternoon's training session, but he can't sit still. Not now. Might as well check over his gear and make sure everything's as tuned up as it can possibly be.

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[nerves_of_ice]

She doesn't let him pull her close, so he squeezes her fingers instead and holds on.

"What about the others? Steve and the rest of the guys - what happens to them? You said I didn't need to worry about Steve, before--"

[from_the_outside]

She swallows again, her throat moving, and tamps down on a surge of frustration. Just for once, can't he think about himself?

"Everyone else survives," she reports, taking refuge in reporting facts. She can still hear screaming in her ears. "They get Zola. The mission only sustains one loss."

[nerves_of_ice]

"One loss," he murmurs. "You mean me."

All his thoughts are whirling, too fast for him to make much sense of things. One of them randomly strikes him, and a startled breath of laughter escapes his lips.

"Angel, I think you're the strongest and bravest woman I've ever known."

[from_the_outside]

"What?"

She frowns at him. Has he lost his mind? Has the shock of what she's told him untethered him from reality? "What are you talking about?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"How have you been living with this all this time?" He squeezes her fingers again. "How did you even dare let me get close to you?"

[from_the_outside]

"I..."

Flirted with him. Laughed with him. Danced with him. Kissed him out beneath the stars, telling herself it was all right to try and grab a little happiness, even if it had to end in heartbreak.

When the truth is, she was always going to end up right here. She just hadn't been pushed far enough. Had let herself believe maybe it would never come. "Maybe I shouldn't have. But I wanted to."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I'm glad you did." He raises her hands and presses a quick, light kiss to her fingers. "My angel."

Bucky raises his head and draws a deep breath. "Okay. Okay. Let's sit down, huh? I need... we need to figure this out."

[from_the_outside]

"Bucky."

Her voice is hardly more than a whisper as he kisses her fingers. She's telling him the most awful things in the world. Maybe he should hate her. Blame her. After all, she'd spent months smiling and nodding as he told her his plans for the future. She thinks, agonized, of the letter still on her desktop. When she swallows, her throat feels sore and tight, like she's holding back tears.

She'll sit down with him. In a second. First: "I'm sorry."

She swallows again. "I should have told you earlier."

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head at her. "Why? It might not have ever happened. Your just being here could have changed things, as far as we knew. No one knows about this time travel stuff."

[from_the_outside]

"I was hoping it had."

Softly. She takes a breath, her shoulders moving with it, and guides him over to sit on the mattress with her. "A new timeline. A new future for you."

[nerves_of_ice]

“It still could,” he points out, sitting down beside her. “I’m still here. Right?”

He hopes she doesn’t think he’s not taking her seriously. He is. He just needs a second for all this to sink in.

He’s never been so aware of his own breathing; of his own heartbeat.

[from_the_outside]

For now. "You can't go on the mission."

Stubborn desperation laces her voice, and her fingers tighten on his. "Promise me you won't."

[nerves_of_ice]

He doesn’t say anything at first, thinking hard. Bucky covers their linked hands with his free one.

“How much do you know about what happens? On the mission, I mean.”

[from_the_outside]

"I've read all the reports."

And it's common enough knowledge, for anyone fascinated with Steve Rogers. There's a whole section of the Smithsonian exhibit dedicated to Bucky Barnes. "Aunt Peggy used to talk about it, sometimes."

When she was feeling maudlin, or when her memories were getting confused.

[nerves_of_ice]

“Do you know how?” He looks the question at her. “I mean. Maybe it’s something I can avoid. Or fix. If I’m the only one who — then clearly it’s not all a wreck.”

[from_the_outside]

"I know how," she says, feeling sick to her stomach once more. "But the best way to avoid it is to just not be there. Or – or bring me."

She could be the element that changes everything, gives him that new timeline, that sweet future he's barely let himself talk about.

[nerves_of_ice]

“Phillips would never go for it. You know that.”

Very gently, he squeezes her hand again. “The reason I’m asking is… if something I do, or will do, or would do — if it’s not me, would it be Steve? Or one of the other guys?”

[from_the_outside]

"It was only you and Steve in the car at the time," she says, miserably soft. "I don't think – no. It wouldn't be him."

She has to believe that, she has to hold onto it with both hands. "Maybe Phillips wouldn't have to know, until after."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I don’t know how that’d be possible. Given the approach.”

Only him and Steve. A cold pit forms in his stomach. If he’s not there - if the danger’s that great, and Steve were to be alone…

He shifts position to put his arm around her and draw her in. Bucky places a gentle kiss on her temple, trying to comfort, trying to think.

He doesn’t want to die. But he doesn’t want anyone else to die in his place, either. Especially not Steve.

[from_the_outside]

She wants to resist being drawn in again, but he needs comfort as much as she does. More, probably, considering what she's told him. "Baby, please."

Her voice is soft and more than a little desperate. "I'll tell Steve if I have to. He'll make you stay."

[nerves_of_ice]

“You can’t do that to him.” He pulls back enough to look down at her. “Sharon, you can’t.”

[from_the_outside]

"Do you think it would be worse than him losing you?" she challenges.

It isn't. Could never be. But if Bucky won't protect himself, then someone else will have to step in.

[nerves_of_ice]

“If he makes me stay and someone else dies in my place, he’ll never forgive himself. I’ll never forgive myself,” Bucky tells her, softly. “If I stay and Steve dies—-“

He breaks off there and shakes his head. “We just have to figure out a way for me to dodge whatever it is. You’ve warned me. That has to count for something.”

[from_the_outside]

She lowers her forehead to his shoulder, hands gripping his tight. The world is still swaying and seesawing around her; she still feels sick.

His sisters. She could try leveraging his sisters. How excited they are to see him again. All their plans. Sharon takes a shaking breath and closes her eyes.

She could still tell Steve. If she has to, she will. That's the only thing that lets her open her mouth again. "I'll tell you all of it," she says, low. "Everything. But you are not going on that mission without a plan A, a plan B, and a plan C. Got it?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Got it. I promise,” he murmurs, holding her close. “I’m not planning on leaving you, angel. No way.”