[WWII AU] a long-awaited mission

[nerves_of_ice]

He'd wondered what was up when Steve had asked him to join the strategy meeting with him and Colonel Phillips that morning, just after breakfast. His best friend had tried to keep it casual, given that the guys were around, but Bucky can still read him as easy as any book.

It had taken less than three minutes for him to realize, and a solid five hours for them to plan the details of the mission. They'd worked through lunch, and by the time he leaves officers' country, Bucky's nearly vibrating with excitement.

Zola. After all this time, they've finally got a lead on the son-of-a-bitch. And it's a good one. First Zola, then Schmidt, and then--

He doesn't let himself think about that yet. He can't. Bucky reminds himself to stay focused as he moves quickly along the hallways, heading for the weapons room.

They'll all be getting the official orders at the afternoon's training session, but he can't sit still. Not now. Might as well check over his gear and make sure everything's as tuned up as it can possibly be.

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[nerves_of_ice]

“Do you know how?” He looks the question at her. “I mean. Maybe it’s something I can avoid. Or fix. If I’m the only one who — then clearly it’s not all a wreck.”

[from_the_outside]

"I know how," she says, feeling sick to her stomach once more. "But the best way to avoid it is to just not be there. Or – or bring me."

She could be the element that changes everything, gives him that new timeline, that sweet future he's barely let himself talk about.

[nerves_of_ice]

“Phillips would never go for it. You know that.”

Very gently, he squeezes her hand again. “The reason I’m asking is… if something I do, or will do, or would do — if it’s not me, would it be Steve? Or one of the other guys?”

[from_the_outside]

"It was only you and Steve in the car at the time," she says, miserably soft. "I don't think – no. It wouldn't be him."

She has to believe that, she has to hold onto it with both hands. "Maybe Phillips wouldn't have to know, until after."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I don’t know how that’d be possible. Given the approach.”

Only him and Steve. A cold pit forms in his stomach. If he’s not there - if the danger’s that great, and Steve were to be alone…

He shifts position to put his arm around her and draw her in. Bucky places a gentle kiss on her temple, trying to comfort, trying to think.

He doesn’t want to die. But he doesn’t want anyone else to die in his place, either. Especially not Steve.

[from_the_outside]

She wants to resist being drawn in again, but he needs comfort as much as she does. More, probably, considering what she's told him. "Baby, please."

Her voice is soft and more than a little desperate. "I'll tell Steve if I have to. He'll make you stay."

[nerves_of_ice]

“You can’t do that to him.” He pulls back enough to look down at her. “Sharon, you can’t.”

[from_the_outside]

"Do you think it would be worse than him losing you?" she challenges.

It isn't. Could never be. But if Bucky won't protect himself, then someone else will have to step in.

[nerves_of_ice]

“If he makes me stay and someone else dies in my place, he’ll never forgive himself. I’ll never forgive myself,” Bucky tells her, softly. “If I stay and Steve dies—-“

He breaks off there and shakes his head. “We just have to figure out a way for me to dodge whatever it is. You’ve warned me. That has to count for something.”

[from_the_outside]

She lowers her forehead to his shoulder, hands gripping his tight. The world is still swaying and seesawing around her; she still feels sick.

His sisters. She could try leveraging his sisters. How excited they are to see him again. All their plans. Sharon takes a shaking breath and closes her eyes.

She could still tell Steve. If she has to, she will. That's the only thing that lets her open her mouth again. "I'll tell you all of it," she says, low. "Everything. But you are not going on that mission without a plan A, a plan B, and a plan C. Got it?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Got it. I promise,” he murmurs, holding her close. “I’m not planning on leaving you, angel. No way.”

[from_the_outside]

"Nobody ever plans to."

She lets go of his hand and reaches her arms around his waist, wanting to feel his warmth, the motion of his chest as he breathes. "You have to come back," she murmurs. "Brooklyn's waiting for you."

[nerves_of_ice]

“We’ll figure it out.” Low, but steady, and as certain as he can make it. “That little bastard didn’t kill me before, and he doesn’t get to do it now. Especially now.”

He wraps both arms around her, right. “I have too much to live for.”

[from_the_outside]

She thinks of the breezy, chatty letter she'd been writing to Becky. "Yes, you do."

Sharon takes a deep breath and hauls back on herself, trying to get a handle on her feelings. "You're taking this pretty well, considering."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I might be in shock. Kind of,” he admits. “I believe you, I do, it just… it doesn’t seem like it could be real.”

[from_the_outside]

"I know."

Her fingers grip at his shirt. It's an effort to relax them. "I'm sorry."

[nerves_of_ice]

“It’s not your fault,” he murmurs. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

He smiles, a little. “And look, no explosions. Howard was wrong.”

[from_the_outside]

"Maybe."

Or maybe there's no explosion because it's all going to happen exactly as it did anyway.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Hey, no matter how much he likes to think he does, Howard doesn't know everything."

Bucky hugs her a little closer. She's warm and soft and alive in his arms, and he can't believe that this could almost be the last time, that he--

It's beginning to sink in, he realizes. Would he see the Grim Reaper if he looked over his shoulder? No. The hell with that. He's not going to just stand by and give in. He's never believed in fate, anyway.

[from_the_outside]

What would it change, if Bucky lives? Would Steve still take that suicidal plunge? Or would Bucky have been with him on the plane, able to help him gain control before the Red Skull could put it on autopilot?

Would they both make it to the end of the war? Fury's been trying to get Steve to join the Avengers. What future could she be erasing if there's no Captain America in her time?

She's not sure she cares. "If I get back," she says, low. "I want to hear you've had a long, happy life. Went home. Saw the girls. Got married, had a family. Got that, Barnes? That's an order."

[nerves_of_ice]

He doesn't know at what point she'd stopped saying 'when' and gone to 'if,' but it sends a pang through him every time he hears it. "Maybe you'll just end up snatching me out of time with you, ever think of that?"

[from_the_outside]

She has thought of that, wondered it, more than once. How deep does this connection between them run? Not just the emotions, but the resonance left over from being affected by the cube? "You'd love the future," she murmurs. "But that's a lot of your own life to miss, baby."

[nerves_of_ice]

"If I wasn't supposed to have a life after," he teases, or tries, "then it's really not. But I'd have to explain to Steve first."

Maybe he better write a letter. A few of them, just in case.

"Anyway, first things first, I guess."

[from_the_outside]

"First things first."

She sets a hand on his chest and forces herself to lift her head to look at him. "Let me grab a piece of paper. I'll sketch out what I remember of what happened."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Okay." It's hard for him to make himself let go of her, but he manages it. It feels weirdly like the world is spinning around him, as though he's lost any sense of an anchor at all.

Yep, this must be shock, he realizes.