[oom] see right through my walls

[nerves_of_ice]

As T'Challa stares at the hologram in the palm of his hand, he can already feel the headache forming. "She what? No. Never mind. Bring her to me in the throne room, when she arrives. I will deal with her myself."

He clears the image, then taps the Kimoyo Bead again. "Nakia. I need you."

* * * * * * * * *

"You cannot be serious."

"I don't see why this is a problem. You brought Everett Ross here--"

"Ross was dying! And he was never allowed to know that the man he was seeking was here! Nakia, I have made a promise to protect him."

"She is not a threat. Not to him."

"I will be the judge of that."

Nakia throws up her hands. "Fine. You will see. I hope it does not bother you that I stay and watch?"

T'Challa smiles. "Of course not."

Comments

[from_the_outside]

Something snaps when his hand lands on her shoulder, and for the first time ever she pushes herself violently away from him, his touch, this misguided comfort he's offering because he is such a good person, a good person she personally chauffeured directly to hell on a road paved with good intentions.

She did this to him. The last thing she deserves is his comfort and forgiveness.

Her motion sends the chair scuffing backwards as she shoves her way up and out of it to pace, hands going to her head, feeling like she's going to burst into a million tiny pieces. "The Task Force found you because of me," she says, biting off each word like it's poison. "They brought you in because of me."

Bitterly: "Don't you see? Ross had me coordinate. Everything."

Finally she looks to him again, her hands dropping away from her head, her eyes huge and despairing. "Everything."

She didn't design that cage or that room, but that doesn't mean she wasn't the one making sure they were ready for him when he got there.

[nerves_of_ice]

He'd always figured she was good at her job. Now he knows just how good.

He stays where he is, without moving, and watches her. This kind of guilt he recognizes. He carries it every day. T'Challa had as well.

"You gave Steve the tip. So he could try to get to me first." He says it just as steadily as before.

"They still wouldn't have caught me without T'Challa. He blamed himself, too."

[from_the_outside]

"I shouldn't have given anyone that tip," she says, and her voice is still full of bitterness.

"I should have known."

But it had been such a terrible day. She'd just buried Aunt Peggy. And Vienna was such a shock. They had to move so quickly.

T'Challa had no reason to think it was anyone other than the Winter Soldier. But she should have known.

She puts her palm over her mouth and the other hand on her hip and turns her back to him, facing towards the window, though her head is bowed and she's not looking out.

"I'm so sorry," she whispers, after a long moment. Her voice is very thick. "I'm so sorry, Bucky. I should have known. I should never have let them get you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"You couldn't have known."

He doesn't try to touch her, not after she'd jerked away so hard before. Instead, he gets up and moves carefully around to the side within the confines of the space, so that she can see him.

"I don't blame you, Sharon."

[from_the_outside]

She can see him out of the corner of her eye and angrily pushes the heel of her hand up to smudge her damp lashes as she turns her face away. "But I do."

She hiccups a watery laugh. "And now I'm making it worse. The last thing you need is to deal with my guilt."

How self-involved can she be? She wipes at her eyes and takes a deep breath, then looks over at him with eyes that are a little too bright and a little too red. "Sorry again."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Hey. No."

Now he does look distressed. He takes a step closer, unable to stop himself.

"C'mon. Don't - don't say that. You're not making anything worse."

[from_the_outside]

That gets a smile, even if it's a slightly teary one. "You're always so good to me."

Even when she doesn't deserve it. Maybe especially then.

She gives up. She doesn't want to stay away from him, so she doesn't, just takes the last few steps to walk right up to him and nudge her forehead into his chest, huffing out a long, shaky breath.

[nerves_of_ice]

His arm comes up and settles around her without even thinking about it.

"You've had a hell of a time," he says, quietly.

[from_the_outside]

She takes a deep breath when his arm comes around her, and wraps her own around his middle, huffing a laugh into his chest.

"Look who's talking."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Still."

He stays where he is, just holding her, letting her hold on to him.

"I'm sorry about Peggy."

[from_the_outside]

It's a good thing he can't see her face while she's standing like this, forehead butting into his chest like she's one of those goats outside looking for a handout of grain, because it means he can't see the way it crumples at his quiet words.

She hadn't cried at the funeral. She hadn't cried in the days after, aside from the few tears she allowed herself after she spoke to him and Steve and Sam on the phone. And when she'd gone on the run, she'd pushed all that grief down into a cold part of herself that she could lock up for as long as she needed to.

All of a sudden, the last six weeks feel so, so very long, and she is so tired of trying to keep her distance from it all, and it turns out those tears were all lying in wait for a moment just like this one, as her shoulders shake and the patch of shirt she presses her face into grows damp.

"I really miss her," she says, thickly, when she can.

[nerves_of_ice]

"I know."

Has she even been able to mourn with her family? She's been on the run since the day of the funeral, or maybe the day after, he's not sure. He just knows what Steve told him, on that long flight, and knows how much his friend had grieved Peggy Carter, as well.

"She was an amazing woman."

[from_the_outside]

"One of a kind," she agrees.

She wishes he could have seen Aunt Peggy, too, even if it was only once. If only so many things had been different.

There's another of those teary laughs. "She was so proud when I joined SHIELD. She bought me my first thigh holster."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I bet she was. Do you still have it?"

He shifts position just a little, resting his hand in the small of her back, so that she can pull away when she wants.

"You know, she helped Steve get to Azzano that time. She and Howard. Against orders."

His tone is very quiet.

"She'd be proud of you now, too."

[from_the_outside]

"Sure do. In fact, you've seen it."

That thigh holster has been a trusted friend for her whole career.

When his arm shifts, she pulls away just enough to be able to look up into his face, her hands coming to his hips. Her eyelashes are starred from tears and her eyes and nose are red, but the storm seems to have passed for the moment. "I know. She told me."

Her smile is a little shaky, but real. "Don't tell Steve, but 'fondue' has been a family joke ever since."

His last words leave her looking a little wry, and she shakes her head. "I hope so."

[nerves_of_ice]

He chuckles at that. "I won't."

[from_the_outside]

She smiles, a little, too.

"The world is a worse place without Peggy Carter in it," she says, rueful. "But she did what she loved and she was good at it even when no one around her wanted her to be. And even with how SHIELD turned out...I have to believe she put more good into the world than she took away."

[nerves_of_ice]

"It is. And she did," he says, absolute certainty in every line of him. "It wasn't her fault that HYDRA got in like the poison snakes they are. And what she helped build is tearing them out, one piece at a time."

A thought strikes him, and he lets his hand fall away.

"Here. Let me show you something."

[from_the_outside]

She lets her own hands drop and steps back to get out of his way, taking advantage of the sudden distance to wipe at her eyes and sniff back her stuffed up nose.

Her eyes are curious as she watches him, but she waits patiently for whatever it is he's thought of.

[nerves_of_ice]

He takes up the backpack and sets it on the end of the bed to make it easier to reach, then unzips it and reaches inside. He rakes the notebooks out, spreading them across the blanket, and looks quickly across them.

After a moment, he pulls one to him, then a second. He flips through the first, pushes it aside, and does the same with the second one he'd picked. He finds something about a third of the way through and tries to flatten it open with his hand as he glances up at Sharon.

"Look."

On the page, in handwriting that's a little ragged but still clear --

...it was a dumb idea to keep her out of the field squad. Carter's got more skills in her little finger still than half the rest of us did back then. But she did a hell of a job at base ops, too, and from what I heard never complained. Lot of people could learn from that.

[from_the_outside]

She wanders over to look over his shoulder as he sorts through the journals, then leans down to read the indicated entry. "This is...you?"

Looking over at him, her eyes are shining again, but this time it isn't with tears. It's complicated, but not sad. "You remembered Aunt Peggy?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods.

"For a while, after D.C.," he starts, slowly, "I wasn't... I didn't know how to ..."

He breaks off there, blows out a breath, and tries again, staring at the words on the page.

"I knew I was Bucky. But I didn't know who Bucky was. I figured maybe if I started -- if I could put the pieces back together, I could remember me, as well as them. So I got a notebook, and started trying to sort it all out. She's in a lot of the stuff from back then."

[from_the_outside]

She leans to pick up one of the notebooks, and turns it over, running her thumb over the cover. "So that's what these are."

All the bits and pieces of his broken memories and self. "Very smart." There's a sudden sharp swell of gratitude in her chest for whatever instinct made her steal these back from the Task Force.

They shouldn't be in anybody's hands but his own.

She puts the book back down, and looks at him. "Did it help?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Yeah," he confirms, unconcerned that she's holding one of them in her hands.

"It did. I think it did. Enough that I kept going, at least. It's all in here--"

He taps his temple with two fingers.

"-- but some of it's mixed up or hard to get at. Doing that helped me put the connections back together."

[from_the_outside]

She reaches up to tug his hand away, teasing. "Well, don't rattle them anymore than they've been rattled."

There are quite a few books, she realizes, when she looks back at them. "I bet Shuri will be able to help you pull more of it together now that you have them back. She is scary smart."

She glances a half-smile at him, warm. "And she's really good with you."