[oom] see right through my walls

[nerves_of_ice]

As T'Challa stares at the hologram in the palm of his hand, he can already feel the headache forming. "She what? No. Never mind. Bring her to me in the throne room, when she arrives. I will deal with her myself."

He clears the image, then taps the Kimoyo Bead again. "Nakia. I need you."

* * * * * * * * *

"You cannot be serious."

"I don't see why this is a problem. You brought Everett Ross here--"

"Ross was dying! And he was never allowed to know that the man he was seeking was here! Nakia, I have made a promise to protect him."

"She is not a threat. Not to him."

"I will be the judge of that."

Nakia throws up her hands. "Fine. You will see. I hope it does not bother you that I stay and watch?"

T'Challa smiles. "Of course not."

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

"You're so pale."

Cautiously, as if he doesn't want to frighten her, as though he can't help himself, he raises his hand and brushes his knuckles over the back of her cheek.

[from_the_outside]

She's not expecting it, and without time to prepare can't stop herself from making a tiny, sore sound in the back of her throat. It's like he found a bruise or bone fracture and decided to really lean his weight into it, instead of just a featherlight brush of his knuckles across her cheek.

"I'm okay." She's frozen, watching him with huge eyes gone dark and dilated, and she doesn't dare move in case he takes his hand away. Every instinct is shouting at her to push forward, every logical thought reminds her to stay back. "I told you, I just...didn't sleep very well."

Her throat bobs as she swallows, and she gives herself this, just turns her head a little into his touch. "Can I ask a follow-up question?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He leaves his hand there for a second, then lets it drop.

"Ask anything you want."

[from_the_outside]

Get it together, Carter.

"Okay. So. Choices."

She clears her throat and sits up a little straighter. "You said they had you pick between choices, right? So what about making a decision on just one option? Like...when Shuri asked if you wanted to call Steve, or T'Challa asked us to come to dinner. Can you pick 'yes' or 'no' for a single choice without too much trouble?"

Belatedly, she realizes why he hasn't named the goats yet. An open-ended choice like that? It's surely impossible right now.

"I guess it's the difference between if someone asked you if you wanted to eat, versus if you wanted a hamburger or chicken."

[nerves_of_ice]

He says it again, this time in a different, much gentler tone: "Ask anything you want."

Bucky shifts position slightly, turning away from the lake and toward her. "It's less about the question and more about the stakes. Stuff like dinner, whether or not to eat or what to eat - I've been practicing that for a while, so it doesn't really hit."

"Things like calling Steve, or whether to accept an invitation - that's harder, because it's about what I want, but..." It's so hard to articulate this. He's not sure he even could, if it weren't for Shuri and T'Challa and Steve and everything they've done over the past almost two months. "... but without the pressure to choose, I can do it. Most of the time, now."

"It's when the stakes are high, or there's no clear path, where there could be a wrong answer... and I'm feeling forced into it without a way out that it can be a problem."

[from_the_outside]

There's a flicker of her brows again, and she nods, mouth pressing.

When the stakes are high. When there's no clear path. Where there could be a wrong answer. When he's forced.

I would never hurt him. But if I do by accident, I would do anything at all to try and fix it. Including –

She looks down, watches her own fingers tug at blades of grass. "I forced you into it," she says, low. "I did the same damn thing that –"

She stops, licks her lips, closes her eyes, brow furrowing. "I don't want to hurt you. I hate that I did. I'm...sorry. I wasn't thinking."

[nerves_of_ice]

"You didn't." He reaches out and covers her hand, stilling the way she's anxiously plucking the grass. Maybe he shouldn't, probably he shouldn't, given everything else, but he can't see her like this and not try.

"You didn't. You didn't force me to do anything. Pushed me a bit, yeah, okay, but you've done that before, remember? It was the topic that tipped me over the edge. Your safety, all the people I hurt - that's the highest of stakes to me. That's not gonna change."

He shrugs.

"You didn't know. You couldn't have known, okay? I sure as hell didn't tell you any of this before now."

[from_the_outside]

Her throat works, and she looks at his hand over hers, then back up at him. "Okay."

She could argue, but what would be the point? She has to take him at his word. Anything else means shattering his trust.

"For what it's worth, I've always felt safe with you. Even in Franche-Comté. Even with what happened in Berlin. I can't imagine anyone I could feel more safe with."

And that includes Steve Rogers.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Even though you're sitting in the dirt due to my screwed-up self," he observes, dryly.

He doesn't move yet, though. Instead, he meets her eyes and holds her gaze.

"How badly did I hurt you in Berlin?"

[from_the_outside]

"The dirt's not so bad," she says, almost smiling, but it fades again at his question.

"Are you – no, you wouldn't ask if you weren't sure." She sucks at her teeth for a second, looking back him.

"Concussion," she says, finally. "Fractured shin. Some bruises."

Her mouth goes wry, and she puts her right hand over her left ribs. "Broke these guys again. I guess they hadn't quite knit up all the way, so..."

So when she hit the table, they cracked like brittle twigs. "But nothing life-threatening. I promise."

[nerves_of_ice]

"You can ask me questions," he says, quietly. "You can ask me anything. Please don't... don't change yourself, for me."

He is very still, and very tense, as he absorbs what she's just told him.

[from_the_outside]

"Not to worry," she says, and her smile is back, small but warm. "It takes more than a little dissociative episode and a guilt spiral to stop me from Sharon Carter-ing all over the place. I'll be prying into your personal business and asking you annoying questions again in no time."

But he's so tense. She lifts the hand that he'd covered and wraps her fingers around his. "It's okay," she says, putting as much reassurance into it as possible. "I'm okay. Really. I get a little sore and stiff on my left side sometimes, but I bet Shuri can fix that right up."

It could have been a lot worse, but he knows that already. There's no point in saying it out loud.

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods, but stays silent.

After a few moments, he shifts position again, starting to get to his feet.

He doesn't pull his hand free in order to do so.

[from_the_outside]

He doesn't let go of her hand, so she gets to her feet too, in order not to let go of his.

"Where are you going?"

Well, where are they going. He's not getting rid of her yet.

[nerves_of_ice]

"You asked if there was a spot by the lake that I liked."

He starts walking again, drawing her with him.

[from_the_outside]

"Oh, yeah."

That feels like forever ago already. "I almost forgot."

But she doesn't like his silent focus right now, even if he hasn't let go of her hand yet, which is nice. "Are you sure you're okay? And not, say, feeling guilty about hurting me in Berlin?"

See? She told him she'd be back to asking annoying questions in no time.

[nerves_of_ice]

"I already felt guilty about that," he points out.

There's a large thicket ahead, one that goes all the way down to the water, cutting off the path along the shore. It has an enormous tree poking up out of the middle of it, with a canopy of branches that overhang the entirety of the thicket, and it looks impassable.

Bucky walks up to the edge of the thicket, tugs his hand free, and reaches into a tangle of branches. He lifts, and the tangle rises upward to waist-height, revealing a small, roughly-hacked path behind it.

"Go on through."

[from_the_outside]

"Hmm." It's skeptical, but she doesn't challenge him on it. Yet, anyway. She waits patiently while he tugs at the knot of branches.

At his invitation, she gives him a quizzical half-smile, but just shakes her head and moves past him, onto the new path.

[nerves_of_ice]

He ducks through after her and pulls the knot of branches back in place, hiding the path again.

"Just follow it through," he says. "It opens up ahead."

It does indeed open up ahead, into a small clearing at the base of the tree. A cut stump at the base of the tree has been roughed into something of a seat, with a hide draped over it and the trunk of the tree serving as the back of the makeshift chair.

The lake itself makes up one side of the clearing, water gently lapping at the shore between where the thicket breaks.

[from_the_outside]

She walks slowly to the water's edge and pauses there, looking out across the lake's calm, flat surface. It's not terrible wide or long, but it's big enough – and this clearing is so perfectly bordered by the thicket – that it feels like they're miles away from anything or anyone else.

A little breeze spirals in from off the water and tugs at her hair; she idly pushes it back behind her ears and out of her face. "It's beautiful."

Beautiful, serene, soothing. Safe. Exactly the kind of place he should have.

She turns to look at him. "Thank you for bringing me here."

[nerves_of_ice]

It's beautiful, she says, and as he looks at her, backlit by the light over the lake, he thinks that she's exactly right.

"You're welcome."

Bucky nods to the chair. "It's a little messy, but it's comfortable. If you want."

[from_the_outside]

She looks at the chair, and then at him, as if weighing her options.

"You take it," she suggests. "You're the one who's been running around with kids and...other kids, I guess, all morning."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky shakes his head at her, instead walking over to lean against the tree beside the chair.

[from_the_outside]

She huffs a laugh, shaking her head and walks back over to sit down, then looks up at him, pert.

All innocence. "We could have shared, you know."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I don't think so," he says, a little dryly.

"Anyway. I figured we were less likely to be interrupted here than out there in the dirt."