nerves_of_ice | [oom] see right through my walls

"Two eyes, when I could," she says, still studying Bucky and frowning slightly.

It maybe wasn't the world's most comfortable position to be in, but it wasn't really all that difficult. She'd told Bucky ahead of time that she would be lying to Steve about him. She's apologetic about it, but she'd do it again in a heartbeat if he needed her to.

After a second, she gives herself a mental shake, and turns a half-smile back to Steve. "But speaking of catching up, you guys probably have a lot to talk about, huh? I'll leave you to it."

For a second, she thinks about doing this differently, about stepping near and reaching up to press a kiss to his scruffy cheek the way she had in Polygyros, in the museum, and just shattering this made-up narrative he's got in his head in one fell swoop.

But she doesn't. She puts a warm hand on Bucky's arm to get his attention. "I'm just going to be right out there with Shuri," she says, like it's a promise.

It might be; she actually hasn't been out of his sight for more than a minute since she got here.

Turning back to Steve, she lifts her hand to wave. "It's really good to see you, Steve. Maybe we can catch up later. Will you tell Sam and Nat hi for me?"

"Okay," Bucky says, looking down at her. "I'll be out when we're done."

He has a sneaking feeling that she wasn't expecting to hear that, and as a result that he's going to be explaining exactly what he told Steve on that flight, but he doesn't regret a single bit of it.

Steve smiles at her, warm and sincere. "Count on it. It's good to see you too. They'll be really glad to hear how you're doing."

Shuri is tinkering with a pad, flipping through images when Sharon comes out, and grins when she sees she's not alone.

"How was it?"

"Fine." Sharon comes to lean against the table Shuri's working at and glances at the pad: she can see BUcky's handwriting from here. "Hey, Shuri. Can I ask you something?"

"Of course," Shuri says, "but I am not going to promise to answer if it's secret or if I think it would be funny."

Sharon laughs and crosses her arms across her chest. "Have you ever known even a single man who wasn't, deep down at their very core, a complete idiot?"

Shuri's grin is fast and bright as lightning. "Not even once."

"You're right," Steve says, smiling, as the door closes behind Sharon. "That was some really good news."

Bucky smiles back at him. "Figured you'd like that."

"You didn't tell her...?"

He shakes his head. "She just got here a few hours ago. She's mainlining coffee to stay awake right now. I'll explain everything later."

Steve nods. "You're looking good. How are things going?"

He shrugs his left shoulder, a little absently, trying to stretch the arm that's no longer there. "Okay. Still adapting to things. Sharon brought in the journals I'd been keeping - in that backpack, my go-bag," he explains, and Steve nods in recognition. "Shuri thinks she can use them to improve what she's doing with the scans."

"Good," Steve says, emphatically. "That's great news, Buck."

Shuri is explaining something about the notebooks and the scan she'd made of Bucky's brain and how she's been approaching his deprogramming, but even with a second cup of coffee – obtained after poking stubbornly at the coffee maker once again – Sharon keeps finding her focus drifting in and out.

She's here. She made it. She found him, after all these weeks of worry and stress.

She's been focused on this for so long, she's not actually sure what she should do now. Had she thought much past seeing him, giving him the backpack and the books? Had she considered a plan at all for after?

Not really. But maybe it's not a surprise. She can't imagine how much worse the last six weeks would have been if she hadn't had a specific goal in place, something to focus on, anchor herself with.

And it worked...but now what?

"Sharon," says Shuri, and Sharon blinks at her because it sounds like maybe Shuri had said it a couple of times.

The younger girl's eyes are kind and knowing. "You have not been listening to a word I said," she chides, smiling, and Sharon breathes out a laugh.

"Sorry," she says, sincerely. "It'd all go over my head anyway. But...he's really getting better, isn't he? I know it'll take a long time and he's still healing, but...it's happening. He's getting there."

Shuri nods, and her expression is very fond. "He is. And we will help him for as long as it takes. He can be whole again."

Sharon thinks of a small glass ornament, all cracks and gold wire and gunmetal loveliness, and smiles. "I know he can."

Edited 2021-03-01 22:39 (UTC)

He spends several minutes more talking with Steve, catching up on what he and Wilson and Natasha have been up to in pursuit of the group that's taken gunrunning to new heights with Chitauri tech.

At least where they are right now, the time zone's not an issue.

In return, he narrates the adventures of goat-keeping in as dry a tone as he can manage, and it's all worth it when Steve laughs.

The guilt grinds at him, threatening to take him apart down to his bones. He should be there. He should be there, he should be at Steve's side in the fight, but he can't. Not until his mind is whole again; not until he's his own person again in a way that can't be taken from him. He struggles against it anyway, struggles even harder to keep it from showing - he and Steve have talked about this, more than once. He suspects his friend can tell, but is kind enough not to mention it, not today.

It's just as well. With what Sharon had told him earlier, he's not sure he could take it, as her confession's added another share of guilt. At least he can do something about that. He's not going to be the one to break his best friend's heart.

(Although he couldn't help but notice that Steve hadn't-- no. He shuts his thoughts off from that path as fast as he can and turns his attention back to the conversation.)

"... Nat swears she's going to get me to like spycraft eventually," Steve is saying, and Bucky can't help but laugh. "Everyone's got to have a dream."

"Too true," Steve agrees, and shifts a little, stretching. "I'm glad you called. Keep it up, you hear me, Barnes?"

"I hear you, Rogers. Take care of yourself."

"You too."

The holographic image vanishes, and Bucky sits in silence for another minute or two, gathering himself, before he gets up and returns to the lab.

Sitting – even just by leaning against the table – proves to have been a bad idea. As soon as she's mostly off her feet, exhaustion sets in, the kind that this second cup of coffee can barely even dent. She shouldn't be drinking it anyway; she's just going to wind up jittery and tired, a bad combination.

Although...maybe that's okay, here. She's staying here, she reminds herself. For a little while, at least. And here, nobody is chasing her, nobody is trying to put her in jail, nobody is going to be coming after her with guns and handcuffs. She doesn't have to worry about standing in front of windows or telling people her name. She doesn't have to move on in the next couple of days because staying static means getting caught.

So what if she's not at the top of her game tonight?

She's holding the coffee that she's forgotten to sip from for the last few minutes, nodding without understanding as Shuri talks, when the door opens and Bucky comes back out. She pushes back up to standing and puts the mug down. "Good chat?"

"It always is," he says, simply. A faint frown creases his brow as he studies her.

"Hey, Shuri?" She cocks her head, looking at him, and he asks, "Think Sharon's room's ready yet? Otherwise you might have to invent a whole other kind of supercharged coffee pretty soon."

Shuri laughs. "I am sure it is," she replies, and gets to her feet. "I will keep your notebooks for now, if that is okay?"

Bucky nods. "As long as you need."

"Oh, come on."

She frowns back at him and crosses her arms, mulish. "It's still so early. I just got here."

"You forgot you weren't holding your cup and tried to take a sip anyway a few minutes ago," Shuri says, and Sharon makes a face at her.

"Tattletale."

"Little sister," Shuri points out, grinning. "It comes with the territory."

She's tired. But there's so much to catch up on still, so much to hear, even if she doesn't have much to say, and...

She's not sure she's ready to say goodnight. Even with the prospect of plenty of time ahead.

He waits patiently until Shuri stops teasing and Sharon's gaze drifts back to him, then meets her eyes.

"You can yell at me in the morning." His tone's dry, but the look in his eyes is serious. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Oh, okay."

Her stomach does something a little funny when he tells her he's not going anywhere, but she pushes it aside for the moment. "That works. But why am I yelling at you? Just so I can prepare."

Edited 2021-03-01 23:50 (UTC)

He shrugs.

"I'm sure you'll tell me."

Shuri attempts to smother a giggle with her hand.

She narrows her eyes at him, but he's giving nothing away, so she puts her hands up, surrendering.

"Well, I'm sure I can think of something, if that's what you really want," she tells him, shaking her head.

It's never been a problem before, anyway.

"I have faith in you," he says, dryly, and this time Shuri doesn't even try to hide her laugh.

"Come on," she says, turning off her tablet and getting to her feet, bright-eyed and mischievous. "You can keep arguing on the way back to the Citadel. I won't interrupt."

"I thought those kids told you not to be mean," she teases, falling into step with Shuri and tossing a glance at him over her shoulder as they walk.

He trails behind the two of them at a comfortable distance, keeping pace easily.

"I'm not being mean. Am I?" A beat. "Shuri?"

Shuri waves a hand, still laughing. "Do not involve me in this! You are worse than –"

"Yeah, I get that a lot," Sharon admits.

Again, it doesn't matter who Shuri had meant to say. It's true regardless. Shuri makes an exasperated noise that's mostly a laugh at their expense and touches a Kimoyo bead as they come back up to the train platform.

Sharon, on the other hand, looks back at Bucky and mouths: mean!

He shakes his head at her, a half-smile curving one side of his mouth, and follows them into the train car.

Bucky leans against the wall, opposite the door, and waits for the return trip to start.

She fights the urge to stick her tongue out at him and instead just listens as Shuri points out various landmarks as the train speeds its way back to the Citadel. Night has settled over Wakanda like a dark cloth floating down over a table, but it's just as beautiful as it was during the day. When Sharon leans against a window and looks up, she doesn't think she's ever seen so many stars.

But she is tired, even if she doesn't want to admit it, so she doesn't ask too many questions, just lets Shuri's enthusiasm wash over her while she looks outside and then back across at Bucky, her gaze holding there on him.

It's all real. She's really here. And he's fine. Maybe a little banged up, but who isn't?

The only things she's worried about, she thinks as they disembark back in the Citadel, is waking up tomorrow morning and finding out this has all been a dream.

Rather than contine with them into the palace, he stops once they're outside the train car.

"I'll say good night here," he tells them, with a nod toward the ramp that leads up on a long, winding path around the building and toward the green, grassy fields behind. "See you tomorrow, if you want."

"Good night," Shuri tells him. "We will speak again soon."

Of course. No, it's not a surprise, it makes sense that he would leave here instead of coming all the way into the Citadel with her and then having to walk that whole way back again.

It's perfectly logical and whatever her gut thinks as it sinks a little, it doesn't actually get an opinion.

"Well, I already have it in my calendar to come yell at you tomorrow, so..." She lets it trail off, and studies him briefly with a tiny smile.

(She'll see him tomorrow. She doesn't need to try and fix every detail in her head. This isn't a dream, and she doesn't only get this one day.)

"Good night."

Edited 2021-03-02 00:57 (UTC)

"You know where to find me."

There's a single odd beat of silence, as he looks at her half a second too long, and then he shakes his head, as if pushing away whatever he was originally going to say.

"Sleep well, Sharon."

Bucky nods to Shuri and turns away, moving up the ramp and vanishing into the shadows of the night beyond.

She watches him go until he disappears into the dark, and even after that she stays where she is, watching, until Shuri clears her throat meaningfully and she takes a deep breath like she's coming awake.

"Okay. So where am I hanging my hat?"

She looks back a few times as Shuri takes her back into the Citadel, but not as many as she'd thought. And once they're inside, she has to pay attention to every corridor and turn so she can try not to get lost tomorrow.

Although it's probably a lost cause. This place is huge.

Eventually, Shuri stops in front of a door and beams a cheerful grin at Sharon. "Here we are! Nakia has seen to everything for you."

(This is indeed true - including, although Sharon doesn't know it, making sure that her guest suite is conveniently located on the other side of the Citadel from where Everett Ross has stayed in the past and potentially will stay in the future.)

"Rest well," Shuri continues. "We will see you tomorrow." She gives Sharon a wave that is somehow as cheerful as her smile, and heads back down the hallway.

The room is beautifully furnished, warm with wooden furniture and rich with traditional Wakandan hangings on the walls. A large window looks out into darkness, toward the fields and the forested lake in the distance, with a comfortable armchair and side table in front of it, and a reading lamp designed to look like a many-branched tree glowing with a soft golden light beside the chair. The closet stands slightly open, showing that Nakia had the foresight to have a few changes of clothes added for Sharon's benefit.

A glint of light from the side table draws the eye, as something moves very slightly with the shift of air in the room. Folded across the foot of the bed is a soft woolen throw in shades of green, and hanging from a display stand on the side table is a palm-sized piece of glass art with shards of gold and gunmetal gray.

Edited 2021-03-02 01:30 (UTC)

She finds a smile for Shuri and waves her off back down the hall, then softly closes the door behind her and locks it, then turns to look at the room, her back against the wood, her mouth pressing and pressing and pressing while her throat burns.

The glass art look beautiful hanging there, but it grows fuzzy in her vision as she blinks hard, trying to keep ahead of tears that are probably just a mix of exhaustion and reaction and the strain of the last six weeks, or because this room is beautiful but lonely, and not at all because he didn't want anything of her in his space.

When she finally moves away from the door and comes to the bed, she runs her fingers over the soft green wool of the throw, her mouth and throat working, eyelashes damp.

He's always so kind. It makes this so much worse. It would be so much easier if he'd just thrown it back in her face.

But at least no one is around to see when she wraps the throw around herself and cries into it, for herself, for her parents, for Aunt Peggy, for all the friends and family she won't get to see again.

And for this stupid heart of hers that doesn't seem to know when to quit, even when it's not wanted.

There's no one to see, and when she finally runs out, exhausted, there's no witnesses to that, either, except the calm Wakandan night, and whatever dreams creep into her head until morning.

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