[WWII AU] a brand new day

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky wakes in the predawn darkness, long before reveille would normally be called. He spends a few minutes reviewing the mission in his head before he rolls from his cot; there's no room to think about anything else. He meets Steve and the rest of the Howling Commandos at five-fifteen. As planned, they're on the move before the hour has passed.

It's a long day, a hard day, but in the end a successful day, for the most part. The hidden facility carved into the hillside is no more when they leave, HYDRA's agents defeated, their stockpiles destroyed. But there's still no sign of Schmidt, nor of Zola, and that remains incredibly frustrating.

Still, there's reason to celebrate today's win, and the squad's more or less exuberant on their return, some fourteen or so hours later. Steve disappears into the command tent to debrief with Colonel Phillips; Bucky'll catch up with him afterward, as usual. He spends a few minutes trading quips with the others before disappearing to weapons storage to see to his own rifle - also as usual. Something about taking care of it helps him feel like he's cleaning the blood off his own hands.

After that, he finds he's too restless to settle yet, and figures it's not the best idea for him to be around others until he sorts himself out. Bucky wanders along the edge of camp in the dark, then veers from the path and off into the field where he'd spent some time watching the stars only a couple of days ago.

It should be peaceful there, more or less.

Comments

[from_the_outside]

"Sergeant." She studies him, then glances at the tent before looking back at him. "Let's take a walk."

For once, there's nothing flirtatious in her tone.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Yes, ma'am." He falls in beside her.

"Did you have anywhere in particular in mind?"

[from_the_outside]

She shakes her head, but directs her steps out of the main camp, towards the outskirts where it's less likely they'll be overheard. Even her pace is different; quick and firm instead of the slow strolls of before.

"So," she says, when she thinks they're out of range of any eavesdroppers. "Want to tell me what that was all about?"

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky slants a look at her. She's moving with purpose, but it's easy to keep pace. Still, he's not sure exactly what she's asking. "Which part?"

[from_the_outside]

"The part where you shut everything down."

This is probably fine; she glances around and slows her pace, looking over at him. "Are you okay?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He doesn't stop to think about it. "I'm fine."

Bucky looks back at her. "But I wasn't going to let him push you into something you didn't sign up for. We talked about this before, I know, but --"

He breaks off there and just shakes his head.

[from_the_outside]

"He's not pushing me into anything. Believe me when I say this is far from the most awkward thing I've ever had to do for my job."

She watches him, not without sympathy. "I don't think you are fine. I think you're projecting. And I get it, seriously."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky stares at her in disbelief. "What the -- what kinds of things does your job have you do?"

He shakes his head again. "It's not that. It's not - it's got nothing to do with Zola, or any of that. It's just..."

He lowers his voice to make absolutely sure they won't be overheard, and says, "Sharon, I'm not going to stand there while someone demands that you, that you give a kind of, of intimacy you didn't choose to give, much less in front of a room full of people."

[from_the_outside]

"Undercover work can get messy," she tells him, waving it off with one hand before she sighs. "Look, I clearly don't have a good handle on what is and isn't appropriate in the here and now. If Stark's got a good reason for it, fine, I'll do it. It takes a lot to make me uncomfortable."

She sets her hands on her hips and looks at him, shaking her head very slightly. "But it's clearly upsetting you, and that's not okay with me. So if you think we should draw a line, I'll back you up."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I'm upset for you, not for myself," he counters. "I want you to have a choice, not have something sprung on you where you might feel like you can't say no."

[from_the_outside]

"Have you asked me if I feel like I can't say no?"

She shakes her head at him, stubborn. "What makes you think I'm doing this under duress, exactly?"

[nerves_of_ice]

Visible surprise paints his features. "Then why did you agree with me?"

[from_the_outside]

Sharon gives him an exasperated look. "I'm not going to leave you hanging out to dry," she points out. "Especially not when you're sticking your neck out like that."

She takes a deep breath and folds her arms. "Besides, Stark does need to quit springing things on us. I don't like being kept in the dark. And now we have some leverage."

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods, and takes a slow breath.

"I'm sorry," he says, after a moment. "If I overstepped."

[from_the_outside]

"It's okay."

She watches him closely. "But I need you to understand that I am more than capable of handling anything Stark can throw at me. And that I don't have a problem telling him 'no' if I don't want to do something. I'm volunteering, too. Okay?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Okay.” He takes another deep breath.

“And maybe you were right. Before. I wasn’t - what did you call it, projecting? I don’t think I was, but I’ll admit what he said they found caught me a little off guard. So I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

[from_the_outside]

"What about what they found?"

Her eyebrows flicker toward a frown. "About how it's diminishing slower for you?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Yeah,” Bucky agrees. “That.”

[from_the_outside]

She glances around, and, on seeing a large log set up near a cold campfire, tips her head towards it and starts walking again. "Are you worried about it?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He follows after her in silence, thinking for a second.

“Not worried. There’s not anything I can do about it, right? So not worried,” he tells her. “But I don’t like it.”

[from_the_outside]

"What's to like?"

She takes a seat on the log and looks up at him, then tilts her head towards the spot next to her if he wants to take a seat. "When you got back, after Azzano, was there anything weird in your check-ups? Medical must have looked you over, right?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Sure, they did," he agrees, and sits down next to her. "And no, they didn't find anything, other than me being beat to hell. Sorry."

He shakes his head. "None of the other guys in the squad ended up in the lab. No one - it's not the kind of place you come back from. I wouldn't have, if it wasn't for Steve. So it's not like there's anyone else to compare to."

[from_the_outside]

"Don't apologize," she says, gently. "It's just... it must be a hell of a shock to have gotten cleared only to hear that something stuck with you after all."

She watches him, her dark eyes serious. "I'm sorry you have to go through all this. If it gets to be too much, just let me know, and I'll get Stark to stop. He's less likely to argue with me."

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's not - it won't be too much," he promises her, quietly. Bucky smiles, a little, small but real. "And it's not your fault anyway, so don't you apologize either."

"But you're right, it's a hell of a shock." He holds out both hands in front of himself, looking down at their backs, then turns them over and watches as he closes and opens his fingers. "I don't feel different, I don't think. Or not really."

[from_the_outside]

"It's kind of my fault," she points out, then looks down as he moves his hands. They're nice hands. She can't see anything wrong with them.

"People always say it's better to know if something's wrong," she murmurs, and looks back at him. "Though I can get not wanting to know, too. But maybe nothing's wrong. I have the resonance, too, and I feel fine. Stark might be right, maybe the rate of decay just slows down over time."