[Ohio AU] the heart of winter

[nerves_of_ice]

Coulson had been called away on something for Fury before they'd gotten more than halfway to wherever his locker is and the set of trading cards stored within it. Without anything else to do, Bucky makes his way back to the quarters he's been given. It's either that or explore the rest of the helicarrier on his own, and that seems like something that can wait safely enough.

He swings by the mess on the way back. As he'd suspected, it's not placed too far distant from what serves as a commissary on this boat. He requisitions a couple of notebooks, a couple of pencils and pens and takes it all with him.

Might as well start with a report on the other Soldiers, he decides. That's likely to be more important in the immediate future than anything else.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

His expression shutters and he lets it, even as he nods. What Fury ends up wanting to do there will tell him a lot that he’s going to need to know.

He trusts Sharon. She’s more than earned his trust. He’s not going to stop doing that now.

“Okay.” A breath. “Coulson maybe. And Natasha. Him because he keeps his head and handles things well in the field. Her because of her background and skill set. Unless there are specific others you’d recommend.”

[from_the_outside]

Those soldiers are a hell of a liability. She's grateful he doesn't ask her what she thinks should be done about them, because she's not sure she'd have an answer for him. They're people who deserve to live, but would it even be possible to rehabilitate them? Would they just be another target, another threat?

She's got no idea, but she'd better figure it out, and soon. Nick will want her opinion.

She nods to the rest of his assessment. "Coulson would be good. And Nat." There's a moment, and she adds: "I might suggest Hawkeye, too."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I don’t know who that is, but that’s some name.” Bucky cocks his head to the side a little as he studies her.

“Sniper?”

[from_the_outside]

"Something like that. He's the one who helped Nat when she defected." Sharon studies him, where he's leaning against the wall, and decides to deal with this elephant before it takes up the whole room.

"I didn't realize how close the two of you had been."

[nerves_of_ice]

He doesn't pretend not to know what she's talking about.

"Natasha, you mean. Natalia Alianovna." A slow breath, in and out. "Yes. She's the one I mentioned before."

[from_the_outside]

Despite the seriousness of the topic, she smiles a little, amused. "Yeah. I picked up on that."

Not that it would take a secret agent to have figured it out. "You two were together?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods. "For a while. It didn't end well. As you heard."

It's hard to sort out what he feels about Natasha now, in light of the revelation that she'd looked for him, but one thing he knows for certain.

"It's good she got out. I'm -- "

He has to fight the conditioning to say it since it's his own opinion, but it's true, and it's important, and important for her to know, which gives him the impetus he needs to crack the restriction. "-- glad. Glad that she has a better life now."

[from_the_outside]

Her expression softens, another small smile pressing into her lips. "I bet you are."

Just like she's sure Nat's glad he's out, and safe... or as safe as he can be. She wets her lips with the tip of her tongue and asks: "Do you want me to back off, now that you two have a chance to reconnect?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He straightens against the wall in shock, coming off of it and freezing at near-attention as he stares at her.

"What?"

[from_the_outside]

She doesn't flinch, just gives him a faintly exasperated look. "Come on, you heard me."

Is it really that much of a surprise? She finds it hard to believe the thought hasn't crossed his mind at all. "Bucky, you've only known me a couple of days. If you wanted to spend time with her like you used to, I'd get it. You know I would."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I know you would, but--" The words die in his throat.

Bucky swallows, once and then again, trying to make his voice work.

[from_the_outside]

She knows he has a hard time articulating things, wanting things. This may well be an impossible question for him.

But it's something they both — all three of them, really — deserve to know. "Maybe you should think about it."

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's not the same." It's barely audible, really not much more than a whisper, but he manages to get the words out.

Think about it? Does she want to step back? He wouldn't blame her if she did. He still almost can't believe the impossible grace that she's brought into his life to begin with.

"That's not - I - it wouldn't - ... do you want?"

[from_the_outside]

He's struggling even to speak, and she gets up, coming over to meet him, reaching out to curl her hands lightly just above his elbows as she looks up into his face. "No," she murmurs. "That's not what I want. But I do want you to be happy."

[nerves_of_ice]

He's drowning in confusion and uncertainty and a whirling storm of emotions that he can't even begin to untangle, much less understand.

"Do you think I'm not?"

[from_the_outside]

"I think you were happy last night and this morning." She knows it, she could see it in the way he looked at her, the happy light in his eyes. "I hope I could keep making you happy."

She blows out a breath, a small sigh, and looks up at him with a crooked mouth. "But you've only been yourself for a few days. Everything's been so chaotic... I wouldn't be surprised if you don't have any idea what you want."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I think I was too," he settles on. That seems both safe and right. "Am. Not was. Am."

As for the rest, he opens his mouth and shuts it again, unable to argue with her observation. She might be right. He doesn't think she is, doesn't like to think that he's that broken, but how could he know? How could anyone?

If he could reach into his own head and rip out the programming he would in a heartbeat but there's no use dwelling on the impossible.

She's standing right there in front of him, but somehow she feels very far away. Bucky swallows.

"What do you want to do?"

[from_the_outside]

That makes her smile again, small and sweet, and she runs her thumbs over his arms, trying to help him relax a little.

"Me? I kind of want to see where this thing goes. Even if I jumped the gun a little."

[nerves_of_ice]

He breathes out, rough and harsh, and pulls her into his arms.

Bucky wraps both arms around her and buries his face in her hair and just lets himself breathe.

[from_the_outside]

In the next second, he's surrounding her, dragging her toward himself with a breath that sounds like a drowning man. Her own arms come up around him, almost reflexively, hugging him tight. "Hey—"

She flattens her palms against his back, drawing him close. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

[nerves_of_ice]

“It was a fair question.” He doesn’t loosen his grip.

[from_the_outside]

She presses her head against his shoulder and lets him hold onto her however he needs to. "I just want to be fair to you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"From what I've seen so far, I'm not sure you know how to be unfair. To me, anyway."

She tucks her face into his shoulder and he turns his to lay his cheek against the top of her head.

[from_the_outside]

"Well, you haven't known me that long yet." She breathes out, long and slow, and runs her hand up and down along the line of his back, trying to soothe him.

"I am gonna have to talk to Nat about it, though. She's my friend."

[nerves_of_ice]

He considers that, and everything it means, for several seconds in silence.

"Maybe I should talk to her first."