[Ohio AU] the heart of winter

[nerves_of_ice]

Coulson had been called away on something for Fury before they'd gotten more than halfway to wherever his locker is and the set of trading cards stored within it. Without anything else to do, Bucky makes his way back to the quarters he's been given. It's either that or explore the rest of the helicarrier on his own, and that seems like something that can wait safely enough.

He swings by the mess on the way back. As he'd suspected, it's not placed too far distant from what serves as a commissary on this boat. He requisitions a couple of notebooks, a couple of pencils and pens and takes it all with him.

Might as well start with a report on the other Soldiers, he decides. That's likely to be more important in the immediate future than anything else.

Comments

[from_the_outside]

She knows he has a hard time articulating things, wanting things. This may well be an impossible question for him.

But it's something they both — all three of them, really — deserve to know. "Maybe you should think about it."

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's not the same." It's barely audible, really not much more than a whisper, but he manages to get the words out.

Think about it? Does she want to step back? He wouldn't blame her if she did. He still almost can't believe the impossible grace that she's brought into his life to begin with.

"That's not - I - it wouldn't - ... do you want?"

[from_the_outside]

He's struggling even to speak, and she gets up, coming over to meet him, reaching out to curl her hands lightly just above his elbows as she looks up into his face. "No," she murmurs. "That's not what I want. But I do want you to be happy."

[nerves_of_ice]

He's drowning in confusion and uncertainty and a whirling storm of emotions that he can't even begin to untangle, much less understand.

"Do you think I'm not?"

[from_the_outside]

"I think you were happy last night and this morning." She knows it, she could see it in the way he looked at her, the happy light in his eyes. "I hope I could keep making you happy."

She blows out a breath, a small sigh, and looks up at him with a crooked mouth. "But you've only been yourself for a few days. Everything's been so chaotic... I wouldn't be surprised if you don't have any idea what you want."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I think I was too," he settles on. That seems both safe and right. "Am. Not was. Am."

As for the rest, he opens his mouth and shuts it again, unable to argue with her observation. She might be right. He doesn't think she is, doesn't like to think that he's that broken, but how could he know? How could anyone?

If he could reach into his own head and rip out the programming he would in a heartbeat but there's no use dwelling on the impossible.

She's standing right there in front of him, but somehow she feels very far away. Bucky swallows.

"What do you want to do?"

[from_the_outside]

That makes her smile again, small and sweet, and she runs her thumbs over his arms, trying to help him relax a little.

"Me? I kind of want to see where this thing goes. Even if I jumped the gun a little."

[nerves_of_ice]

He breathes out, rough and harsh, and pulls her into his arms.

Bucky wraps both arms around her and buries his face in her hair and just lets himself breathe.

[from_the_outside]

In the next second, he's surrounding her, dragging her toward himself with a breath that sounds like a drowning man. Her own arms come up around him, almost reflexively, hugging him tight. "Hey—"

She flattens her palms against his back, drawing him close. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

[nerves_of_ice]

“It was a fair question.” He doesn’t loosen his grip.

[from_the_outside]

She presses her head against his shoulder and lets him hold onto her however he needs to. "I just want to be fair to you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"From what I've seen so far, I'm not sure you know how to be unfair. To me, anyway."

She tucks her face into his shoulder and he turns his to lay his cheek against the top of her head.

[from_the_outside]

"Well, you haven't known me that long yet." She breathes out, long and slow, and runs her hand up and down along the line of his back, trying to soothe him.

"I am gonna have to talk to Nat about it, though. She's my friend."

[nerves_of_ice]

He considers that, and everything it means, for several seconds in silence.

"Maybe I should talk to her first."

[from_the_outside]

"Okay." She murmurs it low, her eyes closed, folded up in his arms. "I'll leave it to you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I figure I owe her an apology, anyway. For being ready to believe she just left me there."

He sighs, and reluctantly raises his head to look down at her. "You know her better than I do now. After the mission, or before?"

[from_the_outside]

"Before," she says, lifting her head to look back up at him. "Clear the air. Nobody needs any extra distractions before this mission."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Okay. If that's the case, we'd better get back to planning." Bucky says, and finally makes himself let go of her. He steps over to the table instead and picks up his report.

"Summary of everything Karpov had on the other Soldiers," he tells her, holding it out. "I added a few recollections of my own where I had them, but it's not all that much."

[from_the_outside]

She follows him to the table, reaching to take the report when he holds it out. "This'll be helpful," she tells him, skimming through the first few lines before she looks at him.

"Do you mind if I share it with Fury?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head.

"I wrote it with him in mind. Figured intel on the others was priority one to ensure the best possible mission outcome."

[from_the_outside]

She nods, flipping through the report before she sets it back down. "You're right. Even with what we got from the lab techs, we'll be going in partially blind. They didn't know anything about security."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Unless they've changed it since my last mission, I do."

His voice is as soft as falling snow.

"It's a place to start, at least."

[from_the_outside]

"Unlikely they've changed much, especially since it sounds like the place is pretty abandoned." Sharon crosses her arms over her chest and leans a hip against the table.

"Still, it could be booby-trapped. And I'd just as soon not get hit with a missile again."

[nerves_of_ice]

"No," he agrees. "But it's a start, for planning purposes. Come in on the right approach and they're unlikely to detect us. Enter the right code at the door, and it won't set the alarm off. Once we're inside... well, it takes time to rouse someone from cryo."

She should know. She's seen it.

[from_the_outside]

The look she gives him is trouble. "You think they'll defrost the soldiers when the alarm goes off? Wouldn't that put them in danger, too?"