[oom] i wake to sleep and take my waking slow

[nerves_of_ice]

The first few days after Bucky goes under are spent in data analysis and quality assurance. There's a lot of information in the human mind, after all. Much of it is messy and complicated and stored in structures that are interconnected in unexpected ways. And when it comes to a project like this, something that's never truly been done before with a biological mind versus synthetic structures and artificial intelligence, something that has the highest of stakes, there's no second chance and thus no room for error.

Shuri spends her time focused on the mission during the first few days, leaving the majority of the data integrity checks to her technical team. She reviews their work at the start and end of each day when she comes to check on her sleeping patient, making corrections to methods and systems and processes where needed. She makes sure that there are two untouched backups of the original digital representation stored safely at all times in case they have to start over. Finally, they're able to confirm that everything is prepared, that the digital representation is not only complete but stable, and that the real work is ready to begin.

Once the mission's done, she turns the weapon prototype and its blueprints over to a few of her most highly-trusted developers for analysis and immerses herself in Bucky's mind. She'd already drafted the initial algorithm, of course, and has spent nearly three months refining it against the initial scans, every additional scan she's done since, the data from the notebooks Bucky'd kept and the memories he'd written down. She doesn't think it'll take too long to finish it.

It takes weeks.

She ruins multiple copies of the digital representation in the first two weeks while testing the algorithm against it - first in simulation and then in practice. It's the practical part that turns out to be problematic. During the first few tests, her code destroys HYDRA's trigger programming as intended, but then also devours the memories attached to it and proceeds to spread like a virus through everything it can reach. The next series of tests fails to fully eliminate the triggers, and post-implementation simulation reveals that the damaged programming, if not fully removed, will destabilize the mind entirely over time, leaving the subject lost to madness or dementia or both. Shuri refuses to allow any of it. Even the possibility is too much. Nothing must be left to chance. Nothing of harm must be allowed to remain.

Meanwhile, silent in the cryo chamber, Bucky sleeps on.

They're into the third week before the first test is passed. All work comes to a halt in the lab as they stare at the displays. No one dares breathe until the test is repeated. When the second series of results flashes up on screen, showing success across every aspect, the lab explodes in cheers. Instead of becoming easier, Shuri's work becomes even more painstaking and demanding, as she sets out to ensure the smallest nuances are fully refined. She creates additional copies and runs the algorithm against them under high-strain conditions. She practices transitioning the new digital copy from server to server to server, trying to eliminate any and all possibility of data loss during transfer.

At the end of the third week, she sends for T'Challa.

____________________

The first thing he's aware of is the cold. This kind of cold he knows all too well. It chills all the way to the bone, pinning him in place with frigid air around him and a cold surface under him. He's too cold even to shiver. Bucky can't move or speak, or do anything at all other than lie still and quiet, listening to the soft hissing sound that's the only thing he can hear.

He drifts in and out of awareness for a while as the light around him gets brighter and the temperature starts to rise. It's not until there's a loud 'click' and the hum of the cryo chamber opening that he finally opens his eyes.

Comments

[from_the_outside]

The last three weeks have chewed on every single one of her nerves in much the same way she's chewed on every single one of her nails and cuticles and destroyed them so completely that the manicurist she found in the city scolded her for ten minutes without stopping.

She's no scientist. For one thing, she doesn't have the background or the interest, and for another she lacks the patience. She'd been so alarmed by the catastrophic failure of the first few tests that Shuri had to order her out of the lab and then explain, very seriously and at length over a few strong drinks later on that 'this is how science works.'

Sharon didn't question her, but she did stay the hell out of the lab after that. Thus the nail-biting, and the getting yelled at.

And today? Today she's eerily still, her stomach in knots. Steve is back, a calm and steady presence that helps zero amount. This might not be a mission in crisis, but her body doesn't know the difference; it's trying to focus on how to get out alive and she has to keep reminding herself that nobody is shooting at anyone.

The tension is climbing in the rest of the lab, too. Even Shuri, always so cheerful and competent, is a little strained. Sharon hopes the poor girl sleeps for a day straight after all this. "We're ready," Shuri says, and from her spot near the chamber begins tapping on her tablet while Sharon and Steve position themselves near enough to be seen right away, far enough not to get in the way if he needs any immediate medical attention.

And then there's a hiss and the cryo chamber opens smoothly and for the first time in so long, he opens those beautiful smoke-blue eyes and that knot in her stomach migrates quickly to her chest and squeezes.

"Hey," she says. She can't stop smiling. "Up and at 'em."

[nerves_of_ice]

He blinks uncertainly at her, then blinks at the blond man standing behind her as Steve says, "Hey, Buck."

After a moment, his gaze clears -- and he smiles.

"Steve." His glance shifts from his best friend to meet hers. "Sharon. Hi."

[from_the_outside]

There's a second where it seems like – and her heart contracts, sharply –

And then his smiles in recognition and calls them by their names and she lets out a breath. "Hi, yourself," she says, and has to step aside as a beaming Shuri comes past. "Yes, yes, hello!" she says. "How are you feeling? Do you know where you are? Do you know who I am?"

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky glances around the room before he looks back at Shuri. "Seems like I'm still in the same room in your lab," he tells her. "So I don't guess you moved me anywhere - Princess."

Shuri laughs and shakes a finger at him, and he amends, "Shuri." He's smiling, a little, even as he smashes the hope that's trying to rise within him down flat. "I don't feel any different."

"No headache? Even a little?" She taps something on her tablet and produces an instrument from her pocket, then sets it gently against his temple. He holds still. "Any trouble with your vision?"

"No," he says, looking past her at the others. "And no."

[from_the_outside]

She slips her hands into the back pockets of her jeans and smiles at him. Next to her, Steve is beaming like the sun just rose.

Shuri ignores them both and continues with her assessment. "Light-headed at all?" she asks, and gestures for one of the assistants to hand her a glass of water, which she passes to him to drink. "All your vitals look good," she tells him, "and the preliminary assessment of the procedure's success is looking good, too, though we will need to perform several more intensive tests.

Steve and Sharon don't react; they knew this was coming. She thinks Steve is planning to stay here with Bucky through the testing; for her part, she knows Ayo is just outside the lab, waiting.

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky obediently downs the entire glass of water, then nods. "Whatever you say," he tells Shuri, even as her words ring in his ears. Preliminary assessment. Success. Looking good. "I'm ready when you are."

He can't hope. He can't let himself hope. Not yet. For now, it's enough that he's awake as himself; he doesn't feel any different, although he's not sure how he'd know. But others would, especially Steve, and he fastens his spiraling fears to that anchor and sinks them deep.

Shuri's right. There are a lot of tests.

[from_the_outside]

There are many, but before Shuri can whisk him away to do too many of them, Steve comes forward as Bucky steps out of away from the chamber and wraps his arms around his best friend in a bone-crushing hug.

(He gives good hug. She remembers.)

"Good to see you awake again, old man," Steve tells him. He claps Bucky on the back, and then it's Sharon's turn: she steps close and folds herself against him, her arms around his middle, her face pressed into his neck, and when she whispers "welcome back, baby," it's so quiet that nobody can hear it but him.

[nerves_of_ice]

The strength of Steve's hug lets him know just how worried his friend was, deep down. Bucky puts his arm around Steve's body and holds on tight in turn until Steve pulls back and steps away.

He realizes why immediately as Sharon comes up to him. He draws her in, holding her close, and breathes in the scent of her hair as she murmurs a soft welcome. "I'm back. I'm here. It's okay," he says, just as quiet, and as reassuring as he can make it.

He hasn't taken all the tests yet... especially the most important one, the one he's not sure if Shuri even knows about. Maybe he shouldn't make any promises. But for now, in this moment, nothing else matters.

[from_the_outside]

God, it's so good just to hear his voice; a little rusty, a little tired, but unmistakably him, and a few more of her worries fall away.

She could stand here and hold on to him for hours, but Shuri's waiting and there's a lot to do, so she finally pulls away and gives him a small smile, eyes warm and promising. "Steve's going to stay with you through the rest of your tests," she tells him. "I've got to go get some things organized. I'll see you later, okay?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Okay," he says, with a slightly-crooked smile of his own. Bucky nods to her, then to Steve, and finally straightens his shoulders as he shifts to face the patiently-waiting Shuri.

"All right. Let's do this."

She beams at him, claps her hands together, and beckons for him to cross the room with her. "Physical first," she says.

[from_the_outside]

She watches him disappear through a door with Steve and Shuri and smiles to herself before heading to the lab proper, her strides quick and determined. As she comes out onto the train platform and sees the woman waiting there, her smile doesn't fade completely, but it does turn wry.

"He's awake," she tells Ayo, "and things are looking good on Shuri's end. Once they've finished with her tests..."

She doesn't finish. Ayo looks at her, not unsympathetic. "We will take the White Wolf up into the mountains," she says, indicating the small team of Dora. "I have arranged a spot far from others. There, he and I will complete the final test and ensure that he is truly free."

Sharon nods, wetting her lip. "Are you sure..." she starts, but doesn't finish the thought. Ayo is sure. And if there's anyone here who could keep the Winter Soldier from hurting others, it's her.

Ayo's gaze softens. "Go," she tells Sharon. "I will return him to you. Once it is safe."

[nerves_of_ice]

"There are three kinds of tests," Shuri explains. Four, Bucky thinks, but keeps his mouth shut and listens, while beside him Steve does the same. "Physical, memory, and cognitive function."

Bucky stands up, sits down, stands on one foot and then the other, touches his nose with his eyes closed and open, and keeps going through an entire battery of physical tests, some more incomprehensible than others. "Did you have to do this?" he asks Steve, after he finishes a quick jaunt on the most complicated treadmill he's ever seen. Steve just grins at him. "Suck it up, Barnes."

Shuri swats Steve on the arm with her tablet and demands Bucky's full attention as she moves to the cognitive function tests. Bucky proves to everyone's satisfaction that his ability to think is still intact -- "as much as it ever was," he jokes, while Steve rolls his eyes -- and waits for the next set with more apprehension than he's letting show. His memory'd already been shattered by the repeated wipes before; what if--?

It nearly brings him to his knees to realize that not only is it still there, it's the same. He hasn't been patched like a malfunctioning robot or AI. He's been restored, to himself; his new self, hard-fought and hard-won and damaged, but undeniably him, scars and all.

When he meets Steve's eyes, his best friend's are bright with emotion. He doesn't realize that his own are, as well.

[from_the_outside]

Nakia and T'Challa are waiting for her on the Citadel platform: she hugs the former and exchanges pleased smiles with the latter. "The tests are going well," T'Challa tells her as they walk into the Citadel, heading towards the garden room they'd requisitioned for the evening.

(She knows it's all premature until Ayo contacts them from the mountaintop, but –)

"Shuri has informed us that he passed both physical and cognitive with flying colors. And memory seems to be intact, though she is currently finalizing the results."

Sharon nods, another wave of relief swelling through her. He hasn't forgotten. He's still him.

And stupid as it may be, she knows, she knows that Ayo's test will prove that he really and truly is only him.

"Now," says Nakia, grinning brightly as she loops her arm through Sharon's. "Let us discuss details, yes?"

[from_the_outside]

The air in the garden room is tense, though they all try to make it easier on each other. It helps when Nakia asks Shuri to tell them about her process: Sharon half-listens and lets her mind wander, trying to keep from worrying about the fact that they haven't heard anything yet.

Ayo had told her and T'Challa both how long she expected to be gone. If things went well went unspoken, and they're still well within the estimated time.

Still, after another twenty minutes or so, conversation has pretty much come to a standstill. Everyone is worried and waiting, and Shuri outright jumps when the gentle chime plays at T'Challa's wrist – but the mood in the room relaxes instantly at the sight of Ayo's smile. Her pleasure is clear, even in holographic miniature.

"The procedure was a success," she informs them. "The words no longer have any hold on him. We are returning to the Citadel now, my king."

"Very well," T'Challa tells her, calm though his relief is clear. "We will await your return."

Ayo nods and crosses her arms over her chest, then blinks the transmission out. Everyone is on their feet in an instant, and the happy chatter that erupts is only eclipsed by Steve going to Shuri and wrapping her in an embrace that lifts her clean off the floor. He hugs her there, her feet dangling some six inches off the ground, for long enough that Sharon has to pat his arm gently. "Okay, Rogers," she says. "Remember, princesses need to breathe, too."

He's a little sheepish as he sets her down, but Shuri is beaming brightly. "I understand," she tells him. "I am very fond of him, too."

Every one is this room is, which is why they've all been here waiting together, but Sharon tips her head to the door. "I'll be back for the party," she tells them. "Gotta go change."

"I'll walk you back," Steve tells her, like the gentleman he is, and she takes his arm gladly.

Only once they're in the hallway does she nudge her head against his shoulder and breathe out her relief. Steve puts his arm around her, but doesn't say anything. They're both full of the same feeling, she knows.

And for the first time in a long while, she's not worried about tomorrow. Not even a little.

[nerves_of_ice]

He settles into one of the passenger seats in the flyer feeling light as air, and watches quietly as Ayo calls T'Challa to let him know their status. His status. That he's no longer the Winter Soldier. Or is he?

He frowns a little at the thought and pushes it aside for now. There'll be time to figure that all out later. For now, he's still basking in the knowledge that he's no longer anyone else's pawn.

The trip back feels shorter than the one out had. When they land at the Citadel, Ayo turns to him. "I promised to return you," she says, and he could swear he catches a glint of mischief in her eyes.

"Like a package," he teases, as gravely as he can, and this time he's sure of the spark of mirth that she quickly suppresses. "I suppose," she says. "Come, then."

He nods farewell to the other Dora and follows her into the Citadel. He's not sure where she'd planned to take him, as Steve spots them just inside the door. Bucky's pretty sure he'd staked it out, but he doesn't have a chance to ask, as his best friend hugs him so hard he can almost feel his ribs creak before he turns to Ayo.

"Thank you," Steve tells her, and she gives him a grave nod. "You are welcome. Both of you."

[from_the_outside]

As much as she wants to hurry up and get out to see him, if she's going to do this, she wants to do it right. The list of things she knows he likes is short. She's damned if she's going to mess up the only one fully under her control.

It almost feels like a normal night (like a real date) as she showers and shaves and begins the long and arduous and usually skipped-unless-it's-for-a-cover process of grooming herself to perfection. At least it gives her something to do as her mind whirls – Steve will fill him in on the mission, she's sure, and with that and the procedure both over, both successful, she feels entirely untethered in a way she hasn't for... god. Months, probably.

That trip to Polygyros seems like a lifetime ago.

She knows Steve will bring him over to the rest once he's had a chance to clean up and change, and even with her own admonitions to herself, she can't stop from hurrying.

As much as she can, anyway. She'd forgotten how damn long it takes to dry and brush and curl and style her hair.

It's worth it... but it takes forever

[nerves_of_ice]

"We'll meet you there," Steve tells Ayo, who nods. "There?" Bucky asks. "Where's there?"

"You'll see," Steve tells him. He lifts a hand to Ayo, locks his other one around Bucky's arm, and practically drags him off down the hall toward his room. Bucky can't help but laugh as he lets himself be pulled along without resistance.

"Worried I'm going to turn tail and run?"

"Oh, probably not," Steve says. "But humor me." He glances over at Bucky as they reach his door. "I figured you'd want to get cleaned up."

He does, he realizes - not only is he still wearing the same clothes from cryo, his face is probably marked with tears and god knows what other signs of strain. Looking at the way Steve's looking at him, he figures he's right.

"Thanks," Bucky tells him, and Steve grins at him. "What are friends for?"

[from_the_outside]

She's only worn a little bit of make-up since she got here – Irma wears more, but none of it is quite Sharon's style – and she takes her time with that, too.

It's a special night. They have a lot to celebrate, not least the relief of not having anything more stressful than a promised visit to Jabari lands hanging over their heads. For now, anyway, but for the first time since Shuri came down to the lake with her that morning last month, she feels like time is something they have.

She hasn't looked past today since Bucky went under. And she isn't yet now, either, but...

Tomorrow, maybe. And isn't that a nice thought?

[nerves_of_ice]

Steve had thought ahead, he realizes, unsurprised, when he sees the change of clothes lying on the couch. Bucky collects them and vanishes into the shower long enough to thoroughly scrub himself from head to toe. He towels his hair as dry as he can before borrowing a comb to run through it, looks in the mirror, and calls it good enough.

Steve's engrossed in a book when Bucky comes back out, but he sets it aside immediately and looks up. "Feeling better?"

"Lots," Bucky tells him, surprising them both with the fierceness of the single word. Steve's glance softens. "I'll bet," he says, simply, and leaves it at that. They both know that Bucky'll talk about it more when he's prepared to, another time. "You ready to go?"

Bucky eyes him suspiciously. "Go where?" Steve just grins, slings an arm around his shoulders, and leads him down the hallways until they reach the garden room. Bucky has only a moment to realize that they've set up some kind of celebration before Shuri lets out a shriek and dashes across the room to hug him fiercely.

[from_the_outside]

She's late, she realizes as she heads down the hall, heels clicking in a confident staccato. Not very late, hopefully. But it should be worth it.

This red dress isn't much like the one she'd had before, but it's still a knockout: a deep v-neck, tailored to fit her like a glove, and a radiant shade of cherry red that fire engines would be jealous of. She swept her hair to one side, and it bounces against her shoulder in a cascade of curls.

It might not be Aunt Peggy casually stunning an entire bar of soldiers into silence, but it's just about the best she's got.

As she gets closer, she hears Shuri's excited voice and T'Challa's deeper one over the light music that drifts from the garden room – Nat King Cole, Ella Fitzgerald: the classics – and when she enters, it's with a grin.

"Hey," she says, cheerful. "I heard there was a party going on."

[nerves_of_ice]

They're all standing in a loosely scattered group, Shuri between him and T'Challa talking a mile a minute, Nakia saying something to Okoye and Steve having cornered Ayo for an earnest conversation that Bucky's pretty sure he doesn't want to hear, when he hears Sharon's voice and looks up.

An instant later, he's forgotten everything else.

Red, his brain informs him, stunned and scrambling for coherent thought. Pretty.

Only 'pretty' isn't enough. She's gorgeous, absolutely incredible, all long legs and a waterfall of golden hair and laughter in her bright eyes, and that red dress that clings to her like a silken second skin, and it's about at that point that he realizes he's stopped breathing and yet he still can't do anything but stare.

[from_the_outside]

Somewhere she hears Nakia's piercing wolf-whistle, but she's only interested in one person's reaction. Everyone else just sort of... fades into the background as she walks up to him, eyes on his face, taking in his stunned expression with pure delight. "Hi."

He's staring like he's never seen her before. Her pulse is picking up in response, and she can't stop smiling.

It's a good night. The first in a long while. And she'd be a liar if she didn't say this was all just for him.

There are other people around, but she's frankly forgotten all about them for the moment. She reaches to loosely twine her fingers with his and says, amused,

"Breathe, baby."

[nerves_of_ice]

It's not until she takes his hand and admonishes him to breathe that he realizes that the bright flashes in his eyes are due to lack of oxygen. Bucky gasps in a quick gulp of air, squeezes her hand, and gives her a brilliant grin.

"Hi. You look amazing."

[from_the_outside]

This dress was worth every penny for this reaction alone. She grins at him. "What, this old thing? I just threw it on."

She squeezes his hand back, completely lost in watching the way he's watching her, in that sunrise grin and the warmth in his slate-blue eyes. It's a second before she remembers anyone else is even there, and only manages it because T'Challa coughs, a little pointedly.

"Sorry I'm late," she says, probably to T'Challa, but she's still looking at Bucky.

He's here. He's him. He's fine. He's better than he's been in a long, long time, and her heart feels like it might burst from everything that's filling it up.

[nerves_of_ice]

He manages to tear his eyes from her at T'Challa's cough, but his hand tightens on hers even as he does.

"Um," he manages, trying to remember what they'd been talking about. T'Challa looks like he's fighting back a laugh, but it's Shuri who gets there first.

"Sharon! Look at you! And those shoes!" Her grin is bright and wicked.