[oom] secrets will out

[nerves_of_ice]

Clearing underbrush by hand is messy work, but he's gotten the last of it knocked out for the season and can't help but take a little pride in that. Bucky considers sluicing off the grime in the shower and decides on a different, faster option.

He wanders back into the hut a little while later and slings a towel around his neck to stop his hair from dripping. He has to move Sharon's tote bag from the top of the clothes chest where she sometimes leaves it while she's sparring with Ayo, and sets it aside on the floor while he digs out a fresh set of clothes.

Somewhere deep inside the bag, her phone rings. He makes a mental note to tell her she's missed a call, and takes his wet clothes outside to hang them out to dry. When he comes back, the phone's ringing again.

And again, a third time, then a fourth, while he frowns at the bag and argues with himself. He doesn't want to invade her privacy, but something's clearly up.

On the fifth set of rings, Bucky digs out her phone and looks at it. He frowns sharply on seeing the contact, and answers the call without speaking.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

"When you do, you should probably cut him some slack." He uncoils from the floor and comes to his feet in a single lithe motion, then turns his back on her as he goes over to start making coffee.

"He didn't realize it wasn't you that answered the phone."

[from_the_outside]

He turns his back on her, and it feels like getting a door slammed in her face. "What do you mean?"

Slowly, slowly, cool dread uncoils in her stomach. "What did he say?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He pours water from the pitcher into the kettle as he talks. "He wanted to know if you'd decided to stop giving him the cold shoulder."

Bucky switches the induction cooktop on and swings around again, leaning back against the little counter as he does. His gaze, dark and level, locks with hers and holds. "Me, I'd like to know why you started."

[from_the_outside]

Sharon frowns at him, internally cursing Fury. How the hell had the man managed to lead SHIELD when he's this bad at keeping secrets? "Sounds like Fury was feeling a little dramatic today. I haven't been giving him any cold shoulder. You know I've been working with him."

[nerves_of_ice]

His direct stare doesn't waver. "I know you have. From here."

[from_the_outside]

"Yes. From here." It's been a long time, but the way he's looking at her, the way he's measuring his words... they could almost be back in that abandoned cottage by the river in France. The very first time they'd met face to face.

She doesn't get up. She doesn't want to do anything that might seem like she's arguing with him. "That's all he's really needed me for."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Is that all you've wanted?" Point blank.

[from_the_outside]

She looks back at him, steady. "It's all I'm willing to give him," she says, just as direct. "I know what I'm doing, Bucky. And he knows better than to ask me for field work right now."

[nerves_of_ice]

She may believe she knows what she's doing, but he doubts she knows what it's doing to him. Now that he knows, that is; now that he's not letting himself turn a blind eye any longer.

"Why right now?" he asks, silently willing her to tell him the truth instead of twisting aside from it.

[from_the_outside]

Why now? There can only really be one reason, can't there? Hadn't she said as much to Elrond? People make all kinds of sacrifices for the ones they love.

She gets up and comes over towards him, steps slow, and reaches for his hands when she's close enough. "You need me here more than he needs me there," she says, gentle. "That's good enough for me."

[nerves_of_ice]

There it is.

He breathes in, slow, and exhales just as slow. He doesn't pull away when she takes his hands, but he doesn't reach back for her in turn.

Low, but clear --

"It's not good enough for me."

[from_the_outside]

She stares at him, eyebrows drawing together.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Do you think I want you to limit yourself because I'm broken and messed up inside?"

Anger tries to rise. He smashes it flat, letting the bitter weariness of despair wash over him instead.

"Don't you see what that'll do to us?"

[from_the_outside]

"Bucky, stop." His hands are limp in hers, but that doesn't stop her from gripping them more tightly. "It's okay. There will be other missions. We won't be here in Wakanda forever."

She shakes her head at him, stubborn. "I'm not limiting myself. I'm... choosing what's important."

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's not okay, and there's more than one thing that's important here." He sighs out a breath and brings his hands up, drawing hers along with the movement until he can cup them between his.

"It might be different if you didn't want to go. But can you honestly say you don't?"

[from_the_outside]

"No." Maybe she's been dodging this talk; maybe she hasn't been completely honest with him. But she still doesn't lie to him, and she won't start now. She looks up into his face as he cups her hands, her eyes steady on his.

"But I want a lot of things. What I need is for you to be okay. And you aren't okay with me going. Not yet. Not really."

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head. "I'm going to worry when people I care about are in danger. I don't think that's ever going to change. But that doesn't mean that they - that you - have to live life in a cage. You're not meant for that. You never have been. You're really good at what you do, and what's more, it makes you happy. You should have that. I want you to have that."

He's glad that the words don't choke him, but figures it's because it's for her as much as for himself, if not more. Bucky tries for a smile, wry though it might be. He's not sure he manages it, but he gives it his best shot.

"You know, it might even help for you to go, and come back safe. The more that happens, the easier it'll get."

[from_the_outside]

"But what will I come back to?"

He's trying to smile, but she can't even begin to find a matching one. There's no heat in her voice, only something wretched and sore. "What will you do when I'm gone, and you're worrying? I worry about you, too, you know."

[nerves_of_ice]

"For one thing, I'll probably chop a lot of wood. Or do more work for Elder Ayemi. If I tell her what I'm struggling with, she'll probably fold it into the rest of the things I'm working on."

He's pretty sure that's not all of it, though. Bucky bows his head over her hands for a moment, then looks back up at her. "Tell you what. You be careful, and I will too. How's that for a deal?"

[from_the_outside]

She looks down at their clasped hands, silent for a long moment, then meets his gaze. There's something sympathetic in her own, but she's firm when she shakes her head, slow.

"That's not good enough for me."

[nerves_of_ice]

Surprise flickers in his eyes, shading into something wary.

"Then what would be?"

[from_the_outside]

"Ever since things went wrong with the mission with Nakia, I've made sure you and I have worked together on anything even remotely dangerous," she points out. "You helped me plan out every inch of Monte Carlo, and it was a milk run. But I still came back to find you'd decided on a spontaneous trip into the woods and got attacked by a werewolf."

She shakes her head at him again, a stubborn set to her jaw. "We both know you won't just be chopping wood and working with Elder Ayemi. And we both know your idea of 'careful' for yourself is different than it is for me. So, no. It's not a good enough deal for me. Not yet."

[nerves_of_ice]

He bites back the flood of sharp words that tries to spill out, with difficulty, as an unnatural stillness settles over him.

"I'll say it again. What would be?"

[from_the_outside]

When you don't feel the need to go punch a mythological creature about me going on a mission, I'll feel better about going on a mission almost comes out of her mouth, but she presses her lips together, watching him.

"I don't know. It's not like we can plan out what might happen at the local. Anything could happen there. You need the flexibility to decide what the best move is when it does."

[nerves_of_ice]

"If that's the case, then you need to trust that I know what I'm doing." He keeps his voice steady with an effort of will. "You need to trust me."