[oom] secrets will out

[nerves_of_ice]

Clearing underbrush by hand is messy work, but he's gotten the last of it knocked out for the season and can't help but take a little pride in that. Bucky considers sluicing off the grime in the shower and decides on a different, faster option.

He wanders back into the hut a little while later and slings a towel around his neck to stop his hair from dripping. He has to move Sharon's tote bag from the top of the clothes chest where she sometimes leaves it while she's sparring with Ayo, and sets it aside on the floor while he digs out a fresh set of clothes.

Somewhere deep inside the bag, her phone rings. He makes a mental note to tell her she's missed a call, and takes his wet clothes outside to hang them out to dry. When he comes back, the phone's ringing again.

And again, a third time, then a fourth, while he frowns at the bag and argues with himself. He doesn't want to invade her privacy, but something's clearly up.

On the fifth set of rings, Bucky digs out her phone and looks at it. He frowns sharply on seeing the contact, and answers the call without speaking.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's not okay, and there's more than one thing that's important here." He sighs out a breath and brings his hands up, drawing hers along with the movement until he can cup them between his.

"It might be different if you didn't want to go. But can you honestly say you don't?"

[from_the_outside]

"No." Maybe she's been dodging this talk; maybe she hasn't been completely honest with him. But she still doesn't lie to him, and she won't start now. She looks up into his face as he cups her hands, her eyes steady on his.

"But I want a lot of things. What I need is for you to be okay. And you aren't okay with me going. Not yet. Not really."

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head. "I'm going to worry when people I care about are in danger. I don't think that's ever going to change. But that doesn't mean that they - that you - have to live life in a cage. You're not meant for that. You never have been. You're really good at what you do, and what's more, it makes you happy. You should have that. I want you to have that."

He's glad that the words don't choke him, but figures it's because it's for her as much as for himself, if not more. Bucky tries for a smile, wry though it might be. He's not sure he manages it, but he gives it his best shot.

"You know, it might even help for you to go, and come back safe. The more that happens, the easier it'll get."

[from_the_outside]

"But what will I come back to?"

He's trying to smile, but she can't even begin to find a matching one. There's no heat in her voice, only something wretched and sore. "What will you do when I'm gone, and you're worrying? I worry about you, too, you know."

[nerves_of_ice]

"For one thing, I'll probably chop a lot of wood. Or do more work for Elder Ayemi. If I tell her what I'm struggling with, she'll probably fold it into the rest of the things I'm working on."

He's pretty sure that's not all of it, though. Bucky bows his head over her hands for a moment, then looks back up at her. "Tell you what. You be careful, and I will too. How's that for a deal?"

[from_the_outside]

She looks down at their clasped hands, silent for a long moment, then meets his gaze. There's something sympathetic in her own, but she's firm when she shakes her head, slow.

"That's not good enough for me."

[nerves_of_ice]

Surprise flickers in his eyes, shading into something wary.

"Then what would be?"

[from_the_outside]

"Ever since things went wrong with the mission with Nakia, I've made sure you and I have worked together on anything even remotely dangerous," she points out. "You helped me plan out every inch of Monte Carlo, and it was a milk run. But I still came back to find you'd decided on a spontaneous trip into the woods and got attacked by a werewolf."

She shakes her head at him again, a stubborn set to her jaw. "We both know you won't just be chopping wood and working with Elder Ayemi. And we both know your idea of 'careful' for yourself is different than it is for me. So, no. It's not a good enough deal for me. Not yet."

[nerves_of_ice]

He bites back the flood of sharp words that tries to spill out, with difficulty, as an unnatural stillness settles over him.

"I'll say it again. What would be?"

[from_the_outside]

When you don't feel the need to go punch a mythological creature about me going on a mission, I'll feel better about going on a mission almost comes out of her mouth, but she presses her lips together, watching him.

"I don't know. It's not like we can plan out what might happen at the local. Anything could happen there. You need the flexibility to decide what the best move is when it does."

[nerves_of_ice]

"If that's the case, then you need to trust that I know what I'm doing." He keeps his voice steady with an effort of will. "You need to trust me."

[from_the_outside]

She studies him, closely. "Can you promise me you'd be as careful as you'd want me to be? That you wouldn't do something you wouldn't want me doing?"

[nerves_of_ice]

It feels almost like the question is a trap, but that doesn't make any sense. He shoves the wariness back and away. "If you're saying will I trust your judgment the way I'm asking you to trust mine? Sure. Yes. I can promise that."

[from_the_outside]

He doesn't even see it. He never really has. After all, when was the last time he really worried about his own safety?

Her shoulders slump, a little, and she shakes her head. "That's not what I'm asking."

Nor is she precisely sure she does trust his judgement, which has gotten him injured multiple times because he still continues to see himself as expendable. And, unlike her, his promises to be careful don't seem to have made much of a dent in those instances. "Baby, you take risks you'd be furious at me for taking."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Sharon." He says it as gently as he can. "I'm harder to kill than you are. And I heal a lot faster, too."

[from_the_outside]

"You think it doesn't matter," she counters. "Because you have the serum, because you're hard to kill. Hard to kill doesn't mean impossible, Bucky. It matters. It matters to me. You are not expendable."

She blinks back glossiness in her eyes, her jaw tight. "And since all those risks have been at the local, I bet you haven't even told Elder Ayemi or Shuri about them. But I also bet they'd have something to say about it, too, if they knew."

[nerves_of_ice]

"You make it sound like I've got a death wish." He studies her carefully, trying to understand. "That's not - I just --"

He shakes his head, trying to find the right words.

"I just help out sometimes. Or I try to. When I can. When people need it. It's... important."

[from_the_outside]

"I understand needing to help. You know I do."

She shakes her head right back at him. "But what was threatening Wei Ying so much that you opted to trek out into the woods? Death by boredom?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Kind of, yeah,” he says, absolutely serious.

The kettle behind him squalls and he lets go of her hands to twist around and shut it off before turning back to her. He hadn’t actually wanted coffee; he’d just needed something to do.

“It’s not like we ran out there unprepared, either. We packed supplies - even weapons, left word and trail markers, and were planning to explore an area on the mountain and were taking what should have been an easy shortcut to get there. You might have done the same damn thing, and I’d have understood it.”

Frustration leaks into his tone by the end.

[from_the_outside]

"I wouldn't have, because you asked me not to do shit like that without telling you first," she says, a little sharply. "And because everything I've heard about the area outside the main bar – from you, even – is that it isn't safe. The paths change. Nobody knows what's in the woods or if it's even possible to get to the mountains."

She folds her arms and does her best to breathe. "Look, Bucky, the fact that you don't think I have to worry, or you don't get why I do... until you understand where I'm coming from, I'm not comfortable taking a field mission."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I left word,” he starts, before he’s cut off at the knees and knocked speechless by her declaration. Bucky stares at her in shock and disbelief.

“You’re blackmailing me?”

[from_the_outside]

She looks at him like he has two heads. "What? No. How is that blackmail? I'm just telling you what I'd need to feel comfortable doing it."

Sharon frowns at him. "Do you seriously think trying to understand my point of view is so hard it borders on impossible for you?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“It sure as hell seems impossible for you,” he snaps. The air’s too close in here all of a sudden, thick and stifling.

[from_the_outside]

She blinks back a sudden sting of surprised pain, her arms tightening. "Right."

Her throat works, before she loosens her arms and turns to grab her tote bag. "Then I'll try to do better."

[nerves_of_ice]

He doesn’t try to stop her, instead holding himself so still that it feels like he’s balancing on the edge of a cliff, every muscle taut. He can’t get a full breath against the way his throat tightens and threatens to choke him, but it doesn’t matter.

“All I asked was that you not be reckless,” he squeezes out, low and flat. “I never tried to stop you from doing what you need to do, what you’re good at. Don’t you think I know I’m paranoid? But it’s not fair to you if I use that against you, if I - and now you pull this, like it’s my fault that you’re locking yourself up—-“