Leipzig AU: the choices we make

[nerves_of_ice]

It's a month after Thessaloniki when he slips the unmarked, unstamped postcard in the mail at Sharon Carter's apartment.

(It had taken him the entire month to decide to reach out. He'd spent most of the time burying himself in his self-imposed work and not allowing himself to think about anything other than the mission. Eventually, he'd realized that it wasn't working, and that there was only one way to find out what he now needs to know, even if he can't admit even to himself exactly why he does.)

Of course there's always the chance she'll think it's just an advertisement and ignore it. If she does, he'll try again with something a little more obvious before deciding she's not interested in reconnecting. Still, he thinks she's clever enough to catch it, and to decode the message, which isn't that subtle when it comes down to it: time, place, location.

It takes far less than a minute to pick the lock on the mailbox security panel - two seconds, maybe three, and he's able to pull it open, drop the card on top of her mail, and secure it once more.

Bucky makes his way from her apartment back down the Berlin street quickly and quietly, cap pulled down to hide his face, and disappears into the crowd.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

"I know that, it's just..." He trails off there and turns back to look at her.

"Would you rather I didn't?"

[from_the_outside]

"No," she says, immediately. She's teasing, but he isn't, and she drops it quickly, not wanting to hurt his feelings. Sharon pads barefoot across the kitchen floor and puts her arms around his waist, squeezing him briefly.

"I'm just teasing you, baby. I think it's sweet. I'd love it if you made something."

[nerves_of_ice]

He puts his arms around her in turn and smiles down at her.

"Okay. Just thought I should be sure. After all, I'm interrupting your routine."

[from_the_outside]

"My routine could stand a little interruption," she promises, then reaches one hand past him to open the refrigerator and take out the milk, leaning up to kiss him as she does.

[nerves_of_ice]

He kisses her back, then catches the fridge door and reaches for the eggs. It takes a little searching to find the bread and a skillet, but eventually he's set up in front of the cooktop.

[from_the_outside]

The coffee burbles, nearly ready, as he's setting up. Sharon watches with open interest and a little amusement. "Old school, huh?" she asks, her smile twitching.

Somehow it's just never occurred to her to toast bread in a pan. She reaches down two mugs, then searches out her sugar and a half-empty canister of cinnamon as she waits for the coffee to finish.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Guess so," he says, dryly. "It works, though."

Bucky whisks the eggs into a froth with a fork, then pours them into the skillet and starts scrambling them. "Like I said before, I'm a simple guy. Sometimes, anyway."

[from_the_outside]

"It works for me," she tells him, her smile crooking.

His coffee is first; she pours it out, fresh and steaming, and brings the mug over to him with a kiss on his shoulder before returning to make her own. She doctors the cup with milk and sugar and a healthy shake of cinnamon – a weekend treat – and settles herself against the counter to watch as he makes them breakfast.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Thanks, baby," he murmurs, taking the mug. It's good coffee - maybe not as strong as he makes it, but there's nothing wrong with that.

When the eggs are done, he sets them on the back of the stove to keep warm and starts toasting the bread in the skillet. "I'm not a good cook," he warns. "But eggs I got used to making a long time ago."

[from_the_outside]

"You can't screw them up any worse than I would," she informs him, nocking her hip against the counter as she sips at her coffee, utterly charmed at the sigh of Bucky Barnes making her breakfast.

"Back in the old days, huh?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods, concentrating on keeping the toast from burning.

"Back when Steve and I shared an apartment. A long time ago."

[from_the_outside]

The look in her eyes warms, fond, as she pictures it.

"Those must have been some good times, with the two of you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Mm-hm." He turns the toast over and looks up at her. "I think so, anyway."

[from_the_outside]

Her smile flickers a little more warmly before she goes back to her coffee, thoughtful.

She can't push for him to contact Steve. He'd made it clear back in Thessaloniki that he won't, that he thinks it's too dangerous for Steve. But she can't get the memory of Steve Rogers' betrayed blue eyes staring at her from across a cafe table in Manhattan two weeks ago out of her head. "I can keep passing him intel, you know," she says, softly.

"Whatever you think would be good for him to know."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky shakes his head. "I can't ask you to do that."

He slides the toast from the skillet onto their plates and splits the eggs between them. It means he doesn't have to look at her when he explains, "Once, maybe. A second time - there's no way he'd buy it. I won't do that to you. Either of you."

[from_the_outside]

"You don't have to ask," she says, gently. "I'm offering, Bucky. I can be your buffer until – "

Until what, she's not sure. She knows as well as anybody and better than most that without a miracle, he'll never be able to get back to any kind of normal life. " – Until it's safe for the two of you to see each other again."

[nerves_of_ice]

He's very, very still for a second, staring down at the plates. "I don't know if that's ever going to be possible," he murmurs, barely audible.

Bucky carries them over to the dining area and sets them down before he turns to look at her again.

"But thanks. I mean that."

[from_the_outside]

"Okay," she murmurs. She doesn't want to push him, not on this.

"But if I can do anything to help make it possible, you know I will. In a heartbeat."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I know. But I don't think there's anything anyone can do." He sounds weary down to the bone. "If it were just me, I'd risk it. But I can't risk Steve."

[from_the_outside]

The weariness in his tone strikes her down to her core, and she sets her coffee down by the plate he's made her before coming over to look up at him, her hands light on his chest.

"I know, baby," she murmurs. "But will you let me look, anyway? To see if I can find any way?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He covers her hands with his and shakes his head at her. "It's not what you think."

Bucky squeezes her fingers and lowers their linked hands. "Come on. Eat before it goes cold. I'll..." He draws a deep breath. "I'll explain, if you want."

[from_the_outside]

"Okay."

She squeezes his hand back and takes a seat, then forks up some of the eggs he'd made, which are more than passable, not that she's exactly a scrambled egg connoisseur.

Sharon gives him a small smile and gestures with her fork to her breakfast. "Good."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Good," he echoes, with an answering smile that's just as small, but no less real.

Bucky takes a long swallow of his coffee, then says, simply, "It'd help if you asked. About ... anything you want to know."

[from_the_outside]

"Okay," she says again, and sets her coffee down, keeping the mug between her palms as she looks at him.

"How is it different from what I think?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Because it's not just that I'm the Winter Soldier," he says, quietly. "Not just that I'm an internationally wanted terrorist and assassin."

His tone's very, very carefully level.

"It has to do with the fact that I can't trust my own mind. HYDRA programmed me, Sharon. Like a machine. And in D.C., they gave me a kill order. For Steve."