Leipzig AU: the choices we make

[nerves_of_ice]

It's a month after Thessaloniki when he slips the unmarked, unstamped postcard in the mail at Sharon Carter's apartment.

(It had taken him the entire month to decide to reach out. He'd spent most of the time burying himself in his self-imposed work and not allowing himself to think about anything other than the mission. Eventually, he'd realized that it wasn't working, and that there was only one way to find out what he now needs to know, even if he can't admit even to himself exactly why he does.)

Of course there's always the chance she'll think it's just an advertisement and ignore it. If she does, he'll try again with something a little more obvious before deciding she's not interested in reconnecting. Still, he thinks she's clever enough to catch it, and to decode the message, which isn't that subtle when it comes down to it: time, place, location.

It takes far less than a minute to pick the lock on the mailbox security panel - two seconds, maybe three, and he's able to pull it open, drop the card on top of her mail, and secure it once more.

Bucky makes his way from her apartment back down the Berlin street quickly and quietly, cap pulled down to hide his face, and disappears into the crowd.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods, concentrating on keeping the toast from burning.

"Back when Steve and I shared an apartment. A long time ago."

[from_the_outside]

The look in her eyes warms, fond, as she pictures it.

"Those must have been some good times, with the two of you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Mm-hm." He turns the toast over and looks up at her. "I think so, anyway."

[from_the_outside]

Her smile flickers a little more warmly before she goes back to her coffee, thoughtful.

She can't push for him to contact Steve. He'd made it clear back in Thessaloniki that he won't, that he thinks it's too dangerous for Steve. But she can't get the memory of Steve Rogers' betrayed blue eyes staring at her from across a cafe table in Manhattan two weeks ago out of her head. "I can keep passing him intel, you know," she says, softly.

"Whatever you think would be good for him to know."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky shakes his head. "I can't ask you to do that."

He slides the toast from the skillet onto their plates and splits the eggs between them. It means he doesn't have to look at her when he explains, "Once, maybe. A second time - there's no way he'd buy it. I won't do that to you. Either of you."

[from_the_outside]

"You don't have to ask," she says, gently. "I'm offering, Bucky. I can be your buffer until – "

Until what, she's not sure. She knows as well as anybody and better than most that without a miracle, he'll never be able to get back to any kind of normal life. " – Until it's safe for the two of you to see each other again."

[nerves_of_ice]

He's very, very still for a second, staring down at the plates. "I don't know if that's ever going to be possible," he murmurs, barely audible.

Bucky carries them over to the dining area and sets them down before he turns to look at her again.

"But thanks. I mean that."

[from_the_outside]

"Okay," she murmurs. She doesn't want to push him, not on this.

"But if I can do anything to help make it possible, you know I will. In a heartbeat."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I know. But I don't think there's anything anyone can do." He sounds weary down to the bone. "If it were just me, I'd risk it. But I can't risk Steve."

[from_the_outside]

The weariness in his tone strikes her down to her core, and she sets her coffee down by the plate he's made her before coming over to look up at him, her hands light on his chest.

"I know, baby," she murmurs. "But will you let me look, anyway? To see if I can find any way?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He covers her hands with his and shakes his head at her. "It's not what you think."

Bucky squeezes her fingers and lowers their linked hands. "Come on. Eat before it goes cold. I'll..." He draws a deep breath. "I'll explain, if you want."

[from_the_outside]

"Okay."

She squeezes his hand back and takes a seat, then forks up some of the eggs he'd made, which are more than passable, not that she's exactly a scrambled egg connoisseur.

Sharon gives him a small smile and gestures with her fork to her breakfast. "Good."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Good," he echoes, with an answering smile that's just as small, but no less real.

Bucky takes a long swallow of his coffee, then says, simply, "It'd help if you asked. About ... anything you want to know."

[from_the_outside]

"Okay," she says again, and sets her coffee down, keeping the mug between her palms as she looks at him.

"How is it different from what I think?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Because it's not just that I'm the Winter Soldier," he says, quietly. "Not just that I'm an internationally wanted terrorist and assassin."

His tone's very, very carefully level.

"It has to do with the fact that I can't trust my own mind. HYDRA programmed me, Sharon. Like a machine. And in D.C., they gave me a kill order. For Steve."

[from_the_outside]

Shit.

She ignores the voice that's loudest in her head, the one that sounds like Nick Fury, but it's impossible to turn off the years of experience that brought her where she is, the career that's been part of every waking moment of her life for longer than she's even been in it.

"Bucky," she says, after a long, silent struggle with herself. "I want to ask more. I want to know. And I want to help. But I don't want you to tell me anything that you don't absolutely trust me to know."

Not when her job should be to hunt him down and bring him in. She's already walking a fine line, but his is even finer, and if he has some vulnerability that the Task Force could or should exploit, she is damn sure she doesn't want to be the one who knows about it.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Okay." Softly said, and simply, too. He meets her eyes without evasion.

"I remember what you told me before. It's okay. Ask."

[from_the_outside]

Every minute you spend with me is more ammunition they get if they ever order me to hunt you down. That's what she said before. I wouldn’t have a choice.

But it's not exactly true.

There's always a choice. She tucks that thought away and nods. "Okay," she murmurs. "But stop me if it feels like too much of an interrogation."

She takes a breath and lifts her coffee for a swallow, her mind racing. "You said they programmed you. How?"

[nerves_of_ice]

Straight for the heart of it all. He has to admire it, even as his breath tries to lock in his throat. Bucky wages a short war with himself. He'd known what he was offering when he said it. She needs to know, especially now. She'd never been one of his named targets herself, but she needs to understand what she's getting into if she's going to - if they're going to --

Realizing he's been silent a few seconds too long, he manages to wring a wry, rueful flicker of a smile out of himself. It's barely there for an instant, but at least it's there. "I don't know exactly how they did it. I'm not a scientist."

Pure, acid loathing eats at the word.

"But it's - there's a set of activation controls. They'd use them when bringing me out of cryo, after the chair and crown, to reset me. Make me a blank slate. 'Ready to comply.' Then they'd give me orders, and I'd carry out the mission."

[from_the_outside]

She shoves the horror down as hard and fast as it rises – she can let it consume her later, the thought of what they did to him, to his mind. I'm a weapon, he'd said, and this is what he'd meant.

But she can't let it overwhelm her now, even as she's breathless for a moment with crystallized fury. She wishes she could kill Smith all over again. "Is there anyone left who knows them?" she asks, ruthlessly keeping her voice steady.

"And if there is, do they have any way to get to you?"

No, she hopes. It had taken her months of work and a few strokes of pure luck to find him.

Hopefully it's even harder for what's left of HYDRA.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Besides me?" The flicker of wry humor's there and gone. Bucky shakes his head.

"I don't know. But as long as no one from HYDRA gets their hands on me again, it doesn't matter. And I'd rather die first."

[from_the_outside]

"They won't."

Every syllable carries cold certainty, at odds with the way she reaches to curl her fingers around his, coaxing him to look at her, to believe her. "Because we'll take every damn one of them out before they can even try. Okay?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He twines his fingers with hers. "Working on it." Just as dryly as before.

"It's okay, Sharon. Well. No, it isn't. But - I've had time to get used to it. Things are - they're better now. Even on the run, it's better. I promise."

[from_the_outside]

"I'm glad it's better," she tells him, soft and sure. "But it can still get a lot better from here, Bucky. You're right, this is big, and I get why you think it wouldn't be safe for Steve now, or maybe even anytime soon. But that doesn't mean it has to be forever."

She runs her thumb gently along his hand. "I'm going to help. As much as I can, however I can. And maybe we'll find a way."

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods, slowly. "Maybe." He's not sure there is one, but he can't bring himself to extinguish the spark of hope that she's trying to stoke into a flame - whether for him or for herself or both, he doesn't know, and it probably doesn't matter anyway.

"But you see, now? Why I can't risk it? I can't risk him. I came too damn close as it was."

He swallows, hard, and his hand tightens on hers. "I know myself now. I know him now. But if anything of that last mission's still buried in there - if it is and I slipped, even for a second--"